In high-school I became friends with my big homey, . He is Italian-American and his whole family adopted me as their own. His Mom who is now getting famous, with a Youtube show in her own respect used to go around telling people that I was her son, and that after birth I got put out under the KFC lights. He is truly my brother. The last couple of years we have been chasing our respective dreams so little talking here and there. Bu he was there when I was running drunk off at least 20-30 shots of gin  exposing my genitals to any and everyone in Bensonhurst Brooklyn, trying to catch delivery boys with pizza, and bench press, and despite the coldness of that day still promotes me and my gentlemans equipment to the ladies, better than I deserved .

It’s great times when we are together. I get inspired to reach further and go harder after all my crazy dreams. The down side  of all that is that around my homey I let loose like Peter North on a pretty lady wanting to ‘come up’ in the business (if you don’t get it I can’t explain it) –btw see what I did there?  I have given you in a previous post a conversation with a classmate I didn’t like and would rather get a lube-less colonoscopy than speak to, so now

ASpoonfulofSuga Presents:


Good Sir, Which Way To The





(in order of appearence)

MrMary F. Poppins
A High School Friend
A Lesbian Couple
A Heterosexual Couple
A Chinese Restaurant Staff

Act One

Scene 1


[There is a melody in the air, a slow shuffle and the syncopated sounds of heels pounding the pavement. It’s Friday Night in the city, and everyone is waiting to be seen and to look around for something or someone who can make them forget the week, and its struggles and drama. The Curtain rises…. 

We are inside a vegetarian restaurant which after a few minutes reveals itself to be a study of opposites. The vegan food is made to look and taste like real meat, it’s both well-lit in some areas dark in others. You can hear the feverish pace of the kitchen, the banging of pots the yelling orders in Chinese, yet there is a calm energy in the dining area, in particular where we are focused on one table 3-4 tables up from the kitchen. As more light appears we see two friends sitting down laughing to their right a lesbian couple and on their left a faux-lesbian couple composed of a domineering overburdening women and an effete man trying to look attentive to what she is saying.

Waiters buzz on by like summer flies but pretty soon even their noisy questions fall to the backdrop]


Man its good to see ya, yeah what have you been up too,
What haven’t I been up too ?  … worked here … worked there …I got gray hairs and a small gut for my 30th Bday

From that intro …. I’m guessing you’re still as cynical as ever
hmmmm… Maybe, I appear cynical, but Im really  all soft and cuddly inside….. (general laughter)

(small pause in convesation)

You like vegetarian food?
Yeah man, I’ve been here more times then I care to remember though…. It’s like tucked away from things… not to many college students … sometimes I sit here…. and  …. (looks off into the glass door entrance)

And  ? (leans in, not to better here though)
Stare off into the window. Sometimes  somewhere in between the running in and out of busboys, the chattering of the couples on dates and a few stray friend that make it in here, there is a kind of quiet  ya know…. It keeps me here …. and they don’t try to force me out anyways….

It’s that why they filled your drink twice already before we even ordered
Maybe… or maybe they love me that much…..I’m their little pocket negro… they keep the corn chowder warm for me

(laughter…)….(the lady to the left has grown tired of her long-term boyfriend’s laconic answers and she starts to look around the restaurant, she hasn’t exhausted herself yet talking and perhaps after all those lonely nights reading her relationship books she realizes slowly how utterly clueless we all are ……) 

Hey did you see that ?
What – that dude is almost bored to death

How can you tell ?
You can see his eyes better than me …your facing them right ?

(curiously raising an eyebrow) Yeah, I am..
Don’t be so obvious look to see if there is any life in them at all…or do they just look like fish eyes…?
(laughter)… Yeah he looks constipated….

Bet you some drinks will be coming soon
Ok What are we betting

No idea, I got only the skin on my balls
(shaking his head trying to suppress his laughter) What the fuck ?..?

It a Kreyol Expression..it means I got nothing
(giggling interspersed with some laughter)

(brief pause)

(mischievous look) You know what ?…

I’ve always wandered about women vegans or vegetarians that perform fellatio ?
(slight shake of head in disbelief) What?

You know give head…  Cmon now,… with all the chick you tore through in College I’m sure…you’ve…
Yeah  (laughter) it’s just an odd question given the circumstances… you know we in a public restaurant  and… (nods his head to the right)

Hey You got something wrong with your neck… oh… (whispers but says dramatically) What u trying tell me ole Boy, What is it Old Yeller… ?
(smirks) No man, first off it’s Lassie Get it right…well .. you know .. (Nods head again….gesturingto the lesbian couple to the right…) 

(convincingly) Oh yeah of course … (silence) …….. I don’t get it…
ok then Let me see If …. (Pats pockets looking for pen and writes something) 
(chuckles….)  (said in a mocking British accent) Ah yes Old Boy, The island of Lesbos in the Aegean full of the thespians ……Maybe, I guess I never became that respectful Christian gentleman they were hoping I’d be…(chuckles) …. so yeah when they suck a dick it’s kinda like meat… if that’s not meat the sauce is sure a meat by-product.

(The More Masculine and John Goodman looking of the lesbian couple shoots a dirty look at the table…..
The Effete man begins to chuckle but as  she starts to smile he remembers his lady is still talking and never will stop) 

(Now composed) That’s kinda crazy man,…. so seriously now,  what happened to you, … the world changes, no day is the same  as the one past and the next one .. I mean its takes a bit of an effort to at least appear the same  you know what I mean….
(Far-away look) Yeah… I get ya…Well, I kind of feel that is sorta silly to talk of past highs and lows , ya know after-all  they never pass, they are always right there with you, …. I kind of sorta don’t believe in a past, ….. (Looking back at his friend) it’s like the fellatio thing , what matters is whats going on now……… that dude there bored out of his fucking mind, John Goodman over here about to spit at me , because she is a feminist and doesn’t believe in going down for a man

man you’re gonna get us killed (laughter)
I have no shame,… The shame left when I stopped going on my knees….. At church at mean … Deep down inside I believe in feminine rights … and cross-gendered knee pads

(Chuckle from the Effete man)

(slight nod pointing to the effete man) You’re still good at not answering questions, you have refined that to an art-form
Yeah really? … he’s seriously…? …. I should run a workshop for married men, I can see it now low, low price of $300a head, you will get a DVD video and an internship with a crazy deranged girl from jersey

Speaking of which didn’t you married?
Yeah man I still might be, depend on how closely you read the law ….. yeah man …. I guess might as well answer the question…but only because… you’re my blood brother, like Henri Charriere in Papillon and that other dude I never remember ….

I don’t even know what you’re talking about…
(sarcastically with an air of resignation) No One does homey… (heavy sigh) … I worked many jobs to support us (me and my chick) …. We had a child and lost him, I worked myself into the hospital… I didn’t sleep much or eat much and was sick a lot, and she left me came back and left me again… I don’t know where I fucking am any more……I think she is sorta back now….. I have  a job I hate and have been working so long and so much I forgot what’s fun….I’m great at party’s though… that’s a nice consolation

Damn Man … (concerned) why didn’t  you
(abruptly) Call ?….It’s not my style homey…Im very private… I’ve figured it out long time ago …. It’s foolish to expect anything from anyone and or life, You get what you get and you live it, you take it like a whore ‘cuz you can’t leave it you need that cash, experience is sort of the cash around here …..I don’t try to make myself happy  …. I try to stay awake man…… to like the shit in front of my face … that way when the happiness comes with laughter its real I dont have to second guess it… when the sadness and tears come it’s really not me being a little bitch….

But how do you cope? … I mean all that Zen, Kwi Chang Caine shit aside.. you’re a human being
First I thought working and fulfilling my duty meant something…and it does ..just not what I thought it would, …..I come here eat this bullshit imitation mango chicken…. I dunno … Therapy…. Barbancourt Rum?…

How was that,
What, the Rum ?

No the Therapy…?
well I tried to pick therapist who would give me an erection later when I reviewed what we said…

So you lemme guess, dark curly hair…. bulging biceps….witty and sensitive…  overly glossed lips…. (raucous laughter)
Oh yeah and hard-core dude from the waist down, … that my type of girl…. I want to write like Victor Hugo Standing up…I dont wanna sit for days so I keep him around

Dude that disgusting …
I was inspired by Jesse Jackson, I talked a lot of nonsense but include people of all different types in my bullshit, and (in a lispy voice… ) I only like guys that look like Billy Dee Williams

Oh Landau , he was so dreamy in Star Wars,… (laughter)
Yeah If only I knew about Costco Lotion bottles then…. The light saber battles would be… well you know (nods to the right john Goodman getting noticeable upset can’t finish her meal when she feels disgusted) ….

(pause…. the sounds of the kitchen start to be heard

But I don’t know why I didn’t call….I guess I felt kind of lost… ya know?…. Lost myself in all that mess  I wasnt able to talk or drink, I didn’t look at the funny irony in the tragic moments, I didn’t look at the  tragic moments in the comic moment. I just stopped looking…. (heavy sigh)…. I listened to a lot of Elton John…especially The Bitch is Back ,…. helped me get into touch with my feminine side and have my way with it  …. (chuckles)

(sings and shakes chest as if jiggle massive village feeding breasts)  

I’m a bitch, I’m a bitch
Oh the bitch is back
Stone cold sober as a matter of fact 

(Chuckles from both tables –  Even the Master degree in Feminist studies  has laughter, exposing both the skinny chest and the weird bulky plastic necklaces many feminists and African dancers wear as part of their daily uniform of acerbic social commentary  and  inviting gyration, respectively) 

Sorry about my friend, we haven’t seen each other in years..
Yeah Last time we hung out I ran through the streets with my organs of generation out looking for love

(Effette man turns and smiles genuinely) Did you find any….. (inquiring look)
Yeah His neighbors called the cops and he wasnt so drunk so her found a way to rush me back into the house safe from prying eyes and safe from prying favors in lock down…

Honey I am going to Go to the ladies Room, make sure to ask the waiter for the drink,
Yes ….
Remember what I want?
White wine …
I’ll tell you about that thing when I come back

You’ve won your bet,
Always do,  but am never any richer for winning

I feel like a lot of stuff is gonna come out tonight, you look ripe like how many years has it been… 7 years of shit is ready to come out
(sarcastically) Wow Your good, I didn’t even take off my pants yet ? oh I’m ripe lemme tell you

man you’re this out of control without any drinks
(Wife comes back Effete man stops smiling) 
Yeah, tonight’s the night and I’m like Rod Stewart …Someone’s gonna spread their wings and let me come inside…

(wife comes back and over hears the last comment and makes a sour face)

(Shakes his head) Man
Dont worry I have better self-control now than I did then, where we drinking…. ?

well first we got to finish eating…
Yeah… can’t waste food
Yeah then next door for the drink
ok, cool man I like it !!!

Then I’ll take you to The FatBlackPussyCat Club
Man I love FatBlackPussy!!!

SHHH , (laughing) I can’t take you anywhere
Its a good CLUB….Come-on now who doesn’t like Fat Black Pussy…err the CLub I mean… It’s on West 3rd right….

Oh So you’ve heard…
I like to keep my ear and well… some of my other parts on top of whats going on (exaggerated wink)……..(British Accent) And what tell me about yourself and  how you found yourself In FATBLACKPUSSY, er…the club I mean

Ah is that going to be the running joke?
yeah… it’s all I got


(As their conversation fades into the background noise of tables being moved for a big new group ….. we suddenly can hear the conversation from the lesbian strong-hold…. The heavier-set of the two is  quite annoyed and sees the incoming large group as a missed chance to move tables)

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