TMI: Most Embarrasing Night


The TMI Blog Award honors those blogs that discuss everything in detail and do it well. These bloggers aren’t afraid to discuss their most awkward, embarrassing and intimate experiences with honesty, humor and little to no filter.

The Rules

Thank the person who presented you with the award.
Link back to the blogger who presented the award to you.
Share an awkward, embarrassing and intimate story in 250 words or less.
Copy and paste the blog award on your blog.
Present the TMI Blog Award to 5 – 10 deserving blogs.
Let them know they have been chosen by leaving a comment at their blog.

HERE WE FUCKING GO!!!!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEE

Thanks to TheSandyTongue for nominating me and encouraging me to share a terribly embarrassing moment in my life.

People Nominated

KissTheMuse
Edward Hotspur
Ms. Ashley
Becoming Cliche
Suzanita

The BackStory

It was about three-year ago and change. I was in dire financial straits. I had no money for a coat, the electricity was turned on and off so many times it didn’t make sense to buy groceries. My lady at the time had recently started working so there was an end in sight for the financial difficulties. I changed my hours around so that I could leave work at 10 PM and to save money for transportation walk about 60 blocks in the cold to wait for her on 11 avenue.

NYC isn’t as cold then as it used to be in my memory but it was still freezing and  I had only thermals and to move around to keep warm. 11th and 12th avenue for those of you who don’t know is right next to the river. At around time I was there the winds where fiercely strong and doubly icy. Sometimes she had to work overtime without prior notification and I would die out there. I didn’t feel comfortable hanging in the lobby of the building as I wasn’t a part of the neighborhood, I didn’t fit in, and didn’t want to depend on the temperamental niceness of the lobby attendant.

The Set-up

It was tough but I was there to greet her every night and sometimes when I saved up my change I got her something she would like to lighten her mood. This one day I managed to put together enough money to eat something from McDonalds which was conveniently located 2 blocks from the 59 street Columbus circle train station. Twenty minutes later I was in intense stomach pain but unfortunately stuck on the 2 train very far from my apartment in the Bronx. There was congestion on the train and last-minute we were stuck between stations for the longest time, and I knew that I couldn’t make it till my apartment.

I informed my lady of what was going on/ I told her I had to get off the next station and think fast.I said Id call her and not to worry. The next station was 138th street on the number train. It’s the first stop in the Bronx. When one is coming in from Manhattan. I remember seeing some fast food places across from a jail and I thought I could maybe use the bathroom there.

The Climatic Moment

I scanned the streets after I got off, and no bathroom in sight. I walked up and down one street. I knew that any second now that without having to use the excuse of pretending to be a hose for an avant-garde play I was going to like Old Faithful in Yellowstone, make a double delivery. It seems that with serious food poisoning no orifice is safe.

I had the wherewithal and sense and some years of meditation practice under my belt to slow my breathing down, breathe with the diaphragm and not the lungs, and buy a roll of toilet paper from the window open at the corner store. There was a construction site not to far away at the time, I figured that would be my best best there was scaffolding to obscure the view and being that it was close to 1 am there wouldn’t be people out.

I surveilled the area and I was so incredibly cold. I had had the experience of no heat in winter or sleeping on a drafty floor with a single cover in the winter time, but I was so cold. The only thing I didn’t foresee or expect was there to be shady people who liked the cover the construction site gave them to sell drug and take drugs. This was even for me a pretty crappy part of the Bronx (that was about to get crappier.) There were some huge project looming buildings around.

My relaxed breathing bought me some time, but it was running out.  I found a place between that concealed me enough for me to do my business.  The next few parts are a blur. I threw-up from both ends I felt light-headed, unfortunately during the process there was further down a dude talking on the phone and he didn’t look like your state farm good neighbor. Further down I could hear because of the silence at that time some voice that were coming closer and closer, yet the second of 3 geyser show of the night was starting I was in no position to run, as it was hard enough to keep my balance so I didn’t soil whatever clothing I was wearing. I was still 25 minutes by train from my apartment.

The Happy Ending

My dog happy, in a stylish hand knitted scarf that went wrong

I guess from the pain and strain I started laughing. Because I remember all the times I walked my dog Happy after she ate something ridiculous that gave her the runs. I thought this was some sort of karmic payback for those time when I got mad at her or didn’t take her out enough. I couldn’t stop laughing. Also I was reminded by the steam from a line from the DMX, “It’s Dark and Hell is Hot”. How can somethings so hot come from a body so cold ?

The gang of people turned back and the thugged-out dude left thank God. When the light-headedness/ geyser stopped I cleaned up. Ran back to the train station got home and took the longest shower of my life and laughed hysterically at my fortune with my lady until I passed out and slept for the next 12 hours.

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8 comments

  1. Wow, great story. I love the imagery, I actually felt like I was the one shitting in the cold with a drug dealer lurking near by. Pure greatness. I like the new page layout too, smooth.

    Like

  2. Lmao.. I couldnt’ stop laughing… I’m so happy to know that I”m not the only one with diarhea story out in the street. whew..

    Like

  3. Have you seen Bridesmaids? That is pretty embarassing but those make the best damn stories there are. No shame.

    Like

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