During the mellifluous images of my subway ride day dream I realized two things, one I might have lost the ability to procreate when a large corpulent women tried to wedge herself in the most lilliputian of spaces between me and the next person [nut cracker]. Judging from her estimation of distances she must be a career optimist which is why she still considers the buffet her friend. (Yes I am feeling saucy today). I also realized that today 4-20 [is the day where it is legal to smoke marijuana in certain public places here in NYC] is too close to Earth Day (4-20) to be mere coincidence. I figured everyone by 4-22 will have descend back in to the telluric orbit of everyday monotony and might care, and might try harder to conceal the blatant contempt they harborfor the Earth.
Last year when someone asked me what was I going to do for earth day, I said I’d follow the famous steps of Onan, who masturbated and was struck down by God with a bolt of lightning. (Look up the word onanism) After the laughter subsided, I further elaborated spilling seed celebrates the earth, and the lightning I get hit with might bring the rains which will wash away the irretractable stains of memory. This year I propose a new idea that we all can participate in with a communal jizz cup and re-purposed gym towels.
MrMary’s Earth Day 2012 Plan
The issue is that humanity doesn’t see itself as a part of nature, it see’s nature a source of good to be plunder. Which is fine until weirdo chemicals turn up in the breast milk of Eskimo mothers, polar ice starts melting, tons of radioactive water pollute the sees and water in some Pennsylvania town has enough chemicals that it can set on fire. Nature seems out of balance with its freak weather
Like I always do when confronted with a problem that I cannot bullshit my way out of I turn to the pages of history. Basically any solution will have to address two considerations:
- Curb the exponentially growing human species
- Remind the human here to give a shit about the Earth
My solution in two Words: Anal Sex
The Genius of my Plan
The Ancient Greeks knew they could control their population by war, and by serving tzatziki sauce with every meat dish. They also knew that the pain of war and of being blocked up in the outhouse late at night really made people appreciate life’s luxuries like buggery and the various flavors of anal sex. My plan is open to people of all sexual persuasions that have anus.
If everyone on Earth day participates in a few bouts backdoor bludgeoning as it was at the zenith of its popularity in Ancient Greece, i.e without the acoutrements of space age lubrication, deordorant and toothpaste, and a Mirror the next morning then the following will happen
- Just like in old days, after all the man-meat, or silicone based Imitation-meat kabobs you were viscerally force fed, you would be horribly blocked up, and while you try to wait out that harrowing cramping unable to give a shit literally, you may reflect on how giving a shit about the earth may make things actually flow smoothly for all parties involved
- There will be no conceiving babies that night or for a few afterwards but like any meal at a greek restaurant there will be tzatziki sauce on your pants and places you cant imagine how it got there