A Deconstructed Date in Response to TheSandyTongue’s The First Honest Dating Profile(NSFW)


“Boring damned people. All over the earth. Propagating more boring damned people. What a horrorshow. The earth is swarmed with them.” – Bukowski

I’ve been called many things crazy, out of control, etc but boring was never one of them. The Sandy tongue posted what I consider the funniest thing I read so far all year other than the classic debauchery tale Night in a Moorish Harem in his “The First Honest Dating Profile (NSFW)”. My lady at the time flew in from Los Angeles to see me, as I had flown to LA to see her. We had one of this Hollywood romances  we were pen pals first, then friends then flying to see each other. When she landed  I said to myself I don’t wanna have the normal boring date thing so lemme go a little crazy and be myself  and genuine with things.

The Meet-Up

We meet up and there is the greeting and right after, I tell her, “I actually like you so I didn’t make any muthafucking plans we gonna it and do it big. She looks at me then laughs. I told her: ” I was thinking about you on the way over here and I drew these perverted pictures for you in the style of Toulouse-Lautrec, I’ve never been to a whore house but I know about love and itches.”  I had found a memo pad in my house so I spent my time riding from Bklyn to the city on the train her drawing pictures. I had discovered I could draw when I had an internship at the Metropolitan museum of Art in High school. So I drew a lot of cocks unfortunately with famous historical quotes or commercial slogans like: Speaks softly and Carry a big stick, or makes mouth happy or odd words like Glockenschpiel,  Dick Luger (An American Senator) and Thick Loaf completely random bullshit. I also drew a lot of boobies with oddly placed hairy moles.  I also drew this one easy girl we all new in college named Big Tits Rosario thinking of a grocery list with all sorts of meat. Suffice it to say after she laughed for a good 10 minutes and inquired what was wrong with me, we  continued onward.

The Random Trip

I told her first train station we see we get on it and we will see where it takes us. We took the E train to the last stop we laughed and joked on the way, talked about friend and family, I flexed my chest muscles for her like that SNL skit and talked in a German accent (I’m great at mimicking accents plus I studied German for a bit long ago)  about how I had to grease myself in vegetable oil to be disciplined by my schoolmaster. More laughs and people looking at me, she gets embarassed and red in the face while laughing uncontrollably.

We get out of the E train and I get all serious. I tell her that I know she is apprehensive and a nice classy lady. I inform her that while I will be flirting and trying to get in her pants I want her to know from the get go what she is getting into. Long story short I flashed her and some tourist on the way to see ground Zero which is right off of the last stop of the E-train.

Deconstructed the Date but saved It

So far I did everything one can do to destroy a date, to damn it to that ring of hell where the ancient greeks stay and they do everything ass-backwards literally. You know despite their philosophy and egregious buggery the ancient Greeks never created a donut to sit on, I guess their were really spartan and laconic about dealing with pain ( Did u see what I did there with the words laconic and spartan look up the etymology if u didnt see it)

A random pic taken my MrMary while on one of our dates. Brooklyn Promenade on a foggy day, best way to see the Manhattan Skyline

I took her to a famous pizza place, imitated all the different NY accents on the way,  then we went to the museum to check out the European painting. She was/is an artist so it was a nice touch I told her some obscure facts about some of the painters we ended up talking about the homosexual relationship between Salvador Dali and Garcia Lorca the poet early in their youth.  I wanted to show her the city as a NY’er sees it. So we walked a lot showed her how and where to jump the turnstyle to get into the train station.  Where to get the best I turned on the charm and romance and we had a nice romantic walk by the River bought her some flowers. She really had a good time and probably because she was a bit kind, and had years of partying like a rock star under her belt I am accepted me as being a little off.

The Ending

We walked so much and had so much fun we just kind of passed on the couch/bed, all the itinerant porking happened another day but even my mother was suprised she stuck around and came up with a theory why.

My mom said that she (my lady at the time) had worked in special education and was used to dealing with and I quote ” Weirdo, retards, and all sorts of messed up people and her years of experience  doing that prepared her for me”

Silly imitation of a baptist preacher seeing the light, whatever that is, it looks blurry because I'm jumping and cavorting around like the spirits got me

Things are different now, that was 9 years ago. I got a lot of my crazies out and probably would tone things down a lot a bit, low level shit like dressing up as a homeless person, dying my hair weird colors , frying  plaintains in the nude as per a dare and to prove a point that if one is careful has good technique the oil wont spatter about everywhere, prank phone calls, doing my baptist pastor preaching outside a closed church

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2 comments

  1. At times, I could be the dumbest blogger on the internet. I just realized that you posted this response. I had several concussions when I was an athlete, maybe that explains my temporary moments of confusion.

    I always enjoy your incredibly unique perspective on life. Thanks

    Like

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