This Therapist Thinks I’m a schmuck


So I had made the decision to seek therapy and wean myself of the small non-stimulating breast of depression (depression boobies look like tic-tacs underneath a tight shirt – the 1930’s did suck afterall). The problem I found though was that I oscillated between the different states rather quickly sometimes. I think the universe has a tremendous sense of humor in that every time I went to someone to talk about it, i was in  my normal MrMary state, which is sort of like the first volley in after a long time of taking a break from dating to find yourself – overwhelming and rough but somewhat pleasurable enough to make that trip to Duane Reade/CVS/Savons/Rite Aid late at night.  Suffice it to say it was like Michigan J. Frog on Looney Tunes. He sings and dances all the time when no one is looking but when others are looking he is silent or dead.

How to Pick a Therapist

She isnt my therapist, this picture is a red herring but so what

So I thought when picking a therapist I’d pick a pretty lady therapist. I figure if I am gonna talk about all the sad stuff in my life I should be able to comfort myself in the comfort of a pretty lady. I figure it be like nurturing without the sex or emotional attachment, sort of like marriage in a way.

So I go to this one therapist unfortunately I am in a silly mood that means mania is right in the background waiting to precipitate. I am wearing my Napolean Dynamite ‘Vote for Pedro’ boxers  underneath which should have tipped me off . We meet up, and she has stunning long black hair full of body and volume, sort of like my full long black expletive …….. and as is the case I think she didn’t know how to handle all that , and by that I mean my ‘personality’.

The Initial Question and Answer Session

Without a joke this is how the initial Question and Answer went. A lot of awkward pauses and me laughing and chuckling and her with no facial expression, it’s like the first time I had sex…. well…yeah definitely like the first time…

Q1: So what was your home life like as a kid?
hmm…
It was like an existential play where isolation and banality seem infinite in their quotidian-ness and there is no escape, and no avenue for articulation… wow that sounds like Romania or another  eastern European country during the Cold War (she says hmmm and there ensues an awkward silence)

Q2: Why do you think during that time (I forget what time she referred to) you read so much

It’s a combination of things, I liked reading, I didnt feel like selling drugs in the back of my building or across the street in the park was a good fit for me, plus I didnt have the connections, the girls I knew werent willing to engage me in physicality probably because I was socially awkward and a bit stocky, I was sad and found some sort of relief in reading the happy cheerful stories of others (I was being sarcastic, there are no happy endings in literature unless the protagonist is paying for it by the minute prefaced with free small talk and a massage)…..

Awkward silence………..

Q3: Oh ok great  who did you like reading (smiling) what cheerful stories?

Look at that Smile 🙂
Another 100,000 Watt Smile

I read a lot, the authors that come to mind are Hemingway, Sartre, Dostoevsky, Camus, Koestler, Samuel Beckett  very happy positive, novelist (chuckles)(wow for some reason she isnt chuckling) …. I read a bit of everything, the human spirit and its ability to be resilient in the face of absurdity astounds me … Im not yet sure that resilience in a boon (Awkward Silence and forced smile)

Q4: Why are you seeking therapy

uhm well …. My lady isnt going to say yes all the time… I want to know what its like outside of sex and reading and drinking cheap vodka to feel happy. Those things are transient and after whatever high you get from them or life there is the period where you have to deal with nothing happening that comes right before you get to the low points… I want to be able to sleep and feel refreshed when i wake up and not because my dogs got into my room and spent the morning licking my face for salt… Im a deep sleeper i guess (Awkward Silence no smile)

Q5: Did you ever suffer from alcohol or sexual addictions

life is “a tale Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing -Macbeth Act 5 scene 2

No, not as I understand addiction… which is based on a physiological need for an act or intake of a substance to cope with life …Im sure you have a better definition… (she says thats fine for now)   quite often when I am not right in the head I overindulge as it momentarily feels good but people in monogamous relationship have as much sex as priests,…well the  ones whither away by time not sexual deviancy. Women in committed relationships arent know for saying yes a lot….(laughs…continues to laugh all by my self)

Q6: So are you paying out of pocket or do u will you use insurance

What I learned

Nothing really. After a few more awkward pauses she was actually able  to help me for the time being, actually she was a wonderful therapist and we warmed up to each other  not sexually or personally just mutual respect and professional courtesy etc of course the paychecks helped.

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