An Old Journal Entry and Dante’s Inferno’s Grief Wracked City

Le colonel ressemblait à cette dame qui, ayant eu la fièvre durant quinze années, crut avoir changé de maladie le jour où elle fut guérie. 
~ Honore de Balzac,  Colonel Chabert

I have taken this line from a book I read many years ago that still stays in my mind. To translate roughly “The colonel looked like that lady who having had a fever last for 15 years, believe that her new found health was another disease.” I have always felt that way about my bipolar disorder, there are some moment where I am ok and initially it feel almost false and not something to be believed. So I thought it would be nice to recreate with words the two states that some times I seem to be perpetually swinging back and forth from. What I wrote below is the Descent sorta like Dante’s Inferno. I will do another post on the accent and the escape into mania lol. These posts came from some of your questions and commends from my post where I talked about my experience of depression here.

The Descent

Through me you go to the grief wracked city; Through me you go to everlasting pain; Through me you go a pass among lost souls. Justice inspired my exalted Creator: I am a creature of the Holiest Power, of Wisdom in the Highest and of Primal Love. Nothing till I was made was made, only eternal beings. And I endure eternally. Abandon all hope — Ye Who Enter Here

 (Taken from a journal entry of an easier day)

While today is no different than any other day, the fact that it takes a long time to wake up makes me feel uneasy. As can be expected for one who sleeps unusually deeply, there is a brief moment every morning where I cannot tell if the images before me are part of the unfolding dream or part of work re-establishing myself firmly in the terrain of awaken-ness.

For a while I tried, but I have given up trying to prolong this indecisive moment process, but we can only ignore the world’s beckoning for so long. Even before I can make a firm decision other parts of my body have taken advantage of my indecision to assert their demands: the pain in my knees speaks of the coming rain, my neck creaks with a rather curmudgeonly voice reminding me that I should not let my head hand off the couch when I sleep. But the most pressing of all these calls is the need to visit the bathroom, especially before any of the apartment’s inhabitants lay a 40 minute claim to the one bathroom in the apartment.

I have trained my bladder better than I, I’m unsure how I was able  to avoid a nearly disastrous breach of control. A  minute or so later I see myself in the mirror. Man. The dapper well coiffed look has long gone in less than a week: my eyes have that tired look: I couldn’t get myself to sleep and so spent a significant portion of the night look a the screen or unable to do anything but sit.  I have a bit of a beard and the  my hair has the unkempt look of a profession madman, one trained in the ways of rabble-rousing and passionate excess of either extreme.

I feel heavier than usual today, I cant think clearly. I find myself walking in circles but unable to  figure out what I have to do to get where I have to go. Someone points this out to me and I know right then and there from the silence between the words spoken to me that I am going to have a depressive episode. Thinking back on it, it has been growing in the dank recesses of the passing week, but now it has in a way bloomed, and everything in the room, my dogs my parent the food the computer everything is irreversibly stain with sadness I can’t make a decision of what to do next so I end up pacing until even after a while I cant even do that. I have to sit down

Luckily I set my own hours I work. I was up early  4 and a half hours later I make it into work. I lost count of how many hours I spent just sitting down unable to do anything. Luckily it’s Friday. Some days like this I cannot do much work, and on a day like Monday I am a hurricane of activity multi-tasking , completing assignments in record time. Monday I probably will be dressed better, making everyone laugh, maybe even singing a song but now its so far away. But for the moment I am highly irritable, and feeling excessively restlessness tired and guilty.  I just realized that it’s been a while since I’ve eaten  but I dont feel hungry.

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