Lindsay Lohan’s Probation ends: The Price of Sexual Favors Plummets on the Streets

“We never change. Neither our socks nor our masters nor our opinions, or we’re so slow about it that it’s no use. We were born loyal and that’s what killed us! Soldiers free of charge, heroes for everyone else, talking monkeys, tortured words, we are the minions of King Misery…It’s not a life.”
Louis-Ferdinand Céline

The News
Hot off the Press

It’s been almost five years, but finally Lindsay Lohan is back out on the streets. There’s no word yet if the streets will accept her with either open arms or with the potent mixture of contempt and indifference general reserved for leper colonies in the 1800’s.

As can be expected, the unhinged,  burned-out star of both the cinematic classic Herbie Fully Loaded and the psychological tour-de-force Mean Girls is walking away without the need to surpress horrid, soul-searing memories of prison rape and meaningless violence. Instead she has to bear a fate worse than what would be dished out to a non celebrity charged with the same crime she has to live carry the heavy weight of Judge Stephanie Sautner stern admonition which I will reproduce in its raw unabridged form here:

“Stop the nightclubbing and focus on your work, I know it is kind of hard when people are following you all over the place, but that is the life you chose. I don’t expect to see you again. Goodbye and good luck.”

I would like to be the first to inform Judge Sautner that night-clubbing and being followed by sycophantic persons with camera is the cornerstone of not only the Hollywood starlet experience but is rather the raison d’etre of Japanese tourists that plague and infect the world in such a ways as to bring to mind a line  from Camus’ The Plague: “No longer were there individual destinies; only a collective destiny, made of plague and emotions shared by all.”

Suffice it to say I the judge’s admonition to be as un-American as the countries we invade and a blatant violation of the Geneva Convention [her admonition]

The Significance of Lohan’s Freedom 

“It is always the same: once you are liberated, you are forced to ask who you are.”
Jean Baudrillard

One of the ramifications of fame is that upon whomever it is bestowed that person becomes a symbol and their symbol-hood overshadows the reality of their person-hood. Lindsay Lohan for years has been the symbol of bacchanalian cocaine-driven excess. We have all heard as well as told similar jokes to the one I am about to list from the site: Lindsay Lohan Jokes

Alcoholic Lindsay Lohan finally gets out of rehab and goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, “Bring me a beer.” The bartender then asks, “Anheuser-Busch?” To which she replies, “Fine thanks, and how’s your cock?”

Q: Why should Playboy wait 5 years to shoot Lindsay Lohan nude?
A: In 5 years they can just go to the morgue!

Her original trip to jail has spawned more sequels than any of her movies.

Lindsay will be jailed for six days, which is still longer than most of her movies stay in theaters.

The American public is very very much like the crowds that used to pack the Coliseum in Rome in that they have an insatiable blood-lust but for the record it is  of a different type than seen during the course of our historic military invasions and subsequent Neo-colonial policies.

We like to build people up, we like to make certain people rich and famous (actors, athletes, slatturn-esque socialites)  so we can vicariously bask in their glory, and later on foam at the mouth as we are overcome by the ecstatic waves issuing from the collective social castigation and resultant mental/emotional breakdown of our psychological mantelpiece socio-cultural VIP’s.

We use our purchasing power to help indirectly mold and shape our celebrities so that they can serve as symbols for us to express our unconscious suppressed feelings and emotions. We then react violently when they deviate from the script we want them to play. The Tiger Woods scandal  is a perfect example. Looking at my dating records and the current divorce rates I was surprised there were people so free and immune from iniquity that they could throw the first stone at Tiger. It is an old title but the article written by Ron Furlong Tiger Woods Still an American Hero tells us a lot. Tiger Woods was supposed to be a hero, a role model to our children of what a champion should be despite the fact that at some point during the day we have to look in the mirror at our flawed selfs.

Hollywood is a factory, its raw materials are the biases, fears, and hang-ups of the American populace. Movies that are greenlighted are ones proven to appeal to the average American.  But who is the average American ? If you look at what demographics are the most prized, and the type of thinking and biased endemic to that demographic then some of the Hollywood trends start to make sense.

Conclusion: Price of Favor Plummets

So now I wait to see how accepting the public will be in taking Lohan back into the clutches of their blood lust. We all love a comeback story, it helps us feel like there is something possibly redeeming to our own past  blunders. There is new freshly refurbished meat out there (Lindsay Lohan). For all of us who have either made jokes at her expense or laughed at them, a familiar client has return to the street corners and boulevards of our  self-gratifying  haunts and stomping grounds. And of course for old times sake we will pay the price the first few times, to see if the services she provided are still as good and as raunchy as we remember. In doing so, in letting Ms Lohan back into the fold of our the same indulgent market of self pollution  we have effectively through simple supply and demand, reintroduced back a new old product, and competition the vehicle of capitalism will get us the cheapest price.

The Genius of the Crowd

Meanwhile I thought this would be pertinent and much more succint as a recapitulation of the long-winded nonsense I wrote above

there is enough treachery, hatred violence absurdity in the average
human being to supply any given army on any given day

and the best at murder are those who preach against it
and the best at hate are those who preach love
and the best at war finally are those who preach peace

those who preach god, need god
those who preach peace do not have peace
those who preach peace do not have love

beware the preachers
beware the knowers
beware those who are always reading books
beware those who either detest poverty
or are proud of it
beware those quick to praise
for they need praise in return
beware those who are quick to censor
they are afraid of what they do not know
beware those who seek constant crowds for
they are nothing alone
beware the average man the average woman
beware their love, their love is average
seeks average

but there is genius in their hatred
there is enough genius in their hatred to kill you
to kill anybody
not wanting solitude
not understanding solitude
they will attempt to destroy anything
that differs from their own
not being able to create art
they will not understand art
they will consider their failure as creators
only as a failure of the world
not being able to love fully
they will believe your love incomplete
and then they will hate you
and their hatred will be perfect

like a shining diamond
like a knife
like a mountain
like a tiger
like hemlock

their finest art

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  1. “the psychological tour-de-force Mean Girls”
    “And of course for old times sake we will pay the price the first few times, to see if the services she provided are still as good and as raunchy as we remember.”

    Hahah stop – I should be working. Great post Mr!


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