Bitterly Pressed: The Market’s Loose Women Selection Has Improved Lately (Humor)


My buddy MrPapiChulo, author of the blog Mooselicker informed me that “Freshly Pressed has a 400 word post about yogurt selection as one of the top “Humor” posts today” This is a parody of that post.

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“I remember awakening one morning and finding everything smeared with the color of forgotten love.”- Bukowski

Judging from the used prophylactics littering the area near the dumpster by the back entrance of the Supermarket, I’m certain many have already benefited from the market’s newest selection of loose women. Don’t misconstrue my words, this is a friendly neighborhood market. This isn’t a market that stocks women for sale like would probably be the status-quo in some dystopian society that transforms women into a commodity to adorn the fictitious andric mantle of acheivement through their continued subversive objectification. (Sounds like the Dutch to me)

Actually as dictated by the simple laws of supply and demand the market has stocked new goods that have attracted a new more accessible population of consumers. This new population is comprised of  women  who have unfortunately taken the advise of  Jelaluddin Rumi, the 13th century mystics in an extremely literal sense:

She has effectively removed a lot of barriers

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” 

Morals are in many ways like protection they are a barrier and also  finding a system of morals, (or a type of condoms) that works for you and your situation doesn’t in any way preclude their subsequent removal and abandonment. There are other barriers, like decency,  and self -respect which are easily dispenced with.

Hot New Products

I started to notice something was up in my market when I started to notice that  many of the ladies weren’t bending  a the knees to get goods on the lower shelves. I figured it was just my mind going a little nuts, turns out according to the the lovely blogger at StuffWhoresLike this was significant. Taken from this post

Whores, like everyone else, will every now and again find themselves having to reach for something that is somewhat low to the ground.  She may have to grab a thong from under her bed, or fix her ankle bracelet, or grab a bottle of vodka from a bottom-drawer freezer.  In all such situations, whores never, ever crouch.  It’s almost as if whenever they see something low, their knees automatically lock.  And so they bend exclusively – exclusively — from the waist. Now, obviously, we do know that their knees do bend; they just never seem to in public.

I was able to use her succinct observations to come up with the Following List of the new products that have brought the loving back to the neighborhood:

1. Really cheap, really large premade drink mixes
2. Go Banana Snapple – Its Practice for the real thing I suppose
3. 3-4 bags of Pre-made salad on sale because they will expire in a day and half, and they don’t eat, to compensate not working out (they ironically hate to sweat)
4. Spray on Tanning
5. Tons of bullshit toys for thier little yappie dog
6. Herbal Tea to Help the joints – Skanks love to text message and can’t let the impending carpel tunnel slow them down (wrist support braces too because MoMo her yorky pulls so hard at the leash.
7. Donuts to sit on, after a crazy Wednesday night at home
8. Chloraseptic Sore Throat Spray provides relief from sore throat and mouth pain on contact, right where it hurts.
9. Baby Wet napkins – no one likes pieces of paper stuck to them, and it gives options after the shot towel has been used to capacity.

Disclaimer: Each of these items when look at alone isnt so bad. However its their combination that sends signals

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