Ham-Fisted Gynos & My Valentine’s Date With MySecretCrushForTwoWeeks

“I loved you like a man loves a woman he never touches, only writes to, keeps little photographs of.”
― Charles Bukowski, Love is a Dog from Hell

Waking up this morning was unusually pleasurable despite the core-muscle tightness and fatigue for only sleeping 3 hours and change. It wasn’t until, a few moments later, when receiving a happy return text, that the images from the night before inundated my mind with scenes of dancing, drinking, laughter, and being in a harness – all the tell-tale signs of a fun first date. [The above quote made me chuckle thought back on all previous posts exchanged and the salacious writing and comments I made over the few weeks, its been surreal to say the least]

The Preparation

I started Tuesday morning like I do most mornings since being single again, with lotion, but this morning was different in that I waited till after I showered. (The winter really dries out my skin.) Two days before I had my barber set me up with my normal date look, which is a fade, goatee, which with the addition of my old-school throwback to browline glasses give me an air of looking distinguished and being sophisticated. Normally being so sexy I tend to down play my good looks (you know, to give other guys a chance), I let the beard grow in a bit shave my head, and look for all intents and purposes scruffy, aloof and resigned to the fate of wanton intemperance. But today was different. I went over my simple plan in my head as I rummage through my stuff for my Armani Acqua de Gio cologne (pulling out all stops). I based the night on a few things Ive written on the blog. We started off with a nice cool sushi place, then indoor rock climbing (That’s actually for once not a dirty joke, actually indoor rock climbing), drinks, dancing and a good night kiss. After reading about the many awful dates mysecretcrush had been on, I felt it only fair to show her a good time. Plus I couldn’t live down reading a blog post about a bad date and 200 Words in discovering it was our date, so I blew the dust off and brought out my A game.

Her Face

We met around 7:30 outside Morimoto the happening bad-ass sushi place in Chelsea. I planned all our activities to be in Chelsea as her hotel was there. Never more than 7-10 minutes away from anything by cab.

Can you imagine this face kicked up a few notches, and upgraded?

Normally one cannot be sure of how hot one date is from picture, one has to see in person. Although from the pictures exchanged, she clearly had the looks that made erection concealing difficult (side note: I will tell you how I solved this issue in another post) I was still a lil nervous. Of course, when she stepped out of the taxi she proved to be even more attractive than her pictures depicted which was of course almost unfair. She looked like a more down to earth Olivia Wilde, and unlike Ms. Wilde she is light and graceful on her feet as she has never had to deal with the after effects of coke bloat and bulimia. Ultimately she had the kind of face I wouldn’t mind embarrassing myself on the dance floor for, which I ultimately did.


My first time eating sushi, kind of reminded me of my first time eating sushi. Obviously, I was man enough to let the lady take the lead and direct me on what to sample and how to sample it. It took a lot of the pressure off to have someone so experienced, :-). Given the setting and my ability to make a joke out of anything, there was a lot of laughter and witty banter, the usual flirtatious glances, the attempts at not being so obvious when checking each other out. MySecretCrush kept up with me and almost showed me up a couple of times, it created a nice sort of tension that made our next pit stop even more fun.

Indoor Rock Climbing at Chelsea Piers

Seriously Who the fuck Designed this? Some misandrogynistic lady I am assuming! If I am ever sterile I know why

The lovely thing about eating sushi, is that though your tongue maybe numb, it doesn’t bear down heavily on you afterwards (sorry had to laugh). In our prior conversation, I had made a joke involving the stirrups in the gynecologist office and being in a harness indoor rock climbing (sorry that joke is too profane for your ears). Ms. Thang knowing that I couldn’t back down from a dare from a pretty lady dared me to put my money where my mouth is and challenged me to indoor rock climbing. After a quick trip to her hotel for her to change (I changed there) there we were climbing a wall for novices. The closest I’ve come to climbing anything is stepping over the occasional drunk/homeless person late night at Penn Station. It seems outside of NYC there are things called trees and people climb them for fun? She climbed the wall rather quickly, I really think she was bitten by a radio active spider unknowingly at some point her life.

She can trash talk like a 1990’s Michael Jordan era NY Knick fan, that was unbelievably sexy. Luckily for me she gently stroked my ego by calling me a Loser at key moments through the night. Ironically its usually me rubbing it in, but it wasnt so bad this time being on the receiving end.

Finishing off the Night

This Image wow, It hurts everyone really

There was drinking and dancing at the Bowery ballroom, periodic reminders of my utter failure climbing rocks, and raucous laughter, and a goodnight kiss. I haven’t been on a date, or at least one I really pulled out all stops for since 2003. I had a fun time and it was all worth it even though my crotch hurts from the harness and today I’m walking around like I’ve been riding horses since childhood, or like I just came off the stirrups at ham-fisted gyno’s office.

We both had a good time, read her version of the night that transpired.



  1. wow, surprisingly nice date. I have to say I am very happy I’m married and not dating anymore. My forehead sweats and that was always difficult to hide. I never went with the cologne though. I always relied on Heat Activated Degree; “when the heat turns up, it turns on.”


  2. YOU EVEN WENT TO THE BARBER?!?! Too. cute. Also, gotta love a girl who can show you up. Proves she’s got balls, brains and bad-assery. In my mind, your “secretcrushoftwoweeks” sounds like the purrrfect woman (don’t tell her, but she is my idol). So glad you had fun, but I didn’t expect anything less than spectacular in the first place!


    • If I have learned anything from watching movies is that if there any fairness in life then after having that much fun there has to be a sequel in the work somewhere where the Fates spin their crazy tales. Very rarely have I been impressed by someone, she got dibs on me next time she is in the city provided she wants to cash that in 🙂


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