How You can put the ‘Ungh’ back in Valentines Day

As a child I knew something was up with  Valentines day  when I saw guys giving the object of their affection slowly dying gifts (flowers). Don’t be fooled, this logic doesn’t work on other special days. There are usually a few times out of the year where a woman wants sex without the negotiating and bartering. (Unfortunately the love of sales and getting a deal extends to moments of intimacy too). I dare any man to try at those rare moments to give her  a semi-soft erection on its way to sleep. You would think that she should be happy because like on valentines day she doesn’t get pricked, but no, that would only make sense.

Somethings You Didnt Know About Valentines

February 14th Juno Februata
The Romans celebrated a holiday on February 14th to honor Juno Fructifier, Queen of the Roman gods and goddesses as well as goddess of marriage. In one ritual, women would submit their names to a common box and men would each draw one out. These two would be a couple for the duration of the festival (and at times for the entire following year). Both rituals were designed to promote not only fertility, but also life generally.

February 15th & Feast of Lupercalia
On February 15, Romans celebrated Luperaclia, honoring Faunus, god of fertility. Men would go to a grotto dedicated to Lupercal, the wolf god, located at the foot of Palatine Hill and where Romans believed that the founders of Rome, Romulus and Remus, were suckled by a she-wolf. The men would sacrifice a goat, don its skin, and run around, hitting women with small whips, an act which was supposed to ensure fertility.

How to put the “Ungh” back

The Church surpressed every desire to frolic and have fun and pork out. They co-opted pagan festivals which where deeply meaningful and let people be people. There were some gnostics who practices group sex and other crazy things on Valentines day. They treated men and women as equally and a whole bunch of other progressive stuff. It is from them and the Romans that I drew inspiration for this:

For the Fellas

Cmon, Should I even write a caption

Valentine’s comes once a year kind of like a big vacation, and like all big vacations it is the one time one should indulge in eating fancy foods. Guys. eating fancy foods in this case is inclusive of having a box lunch. In my mind I find fast food and going for sushi to be comparable in the sense that if you do it too much you can get headaches, and be more susceptible to hypertension and stroke. So I save them both for really special days. (but never both on the same day)

For the Ladies

For most of the year, your man is effectively your pet. You dress him up to compliment your looks and furniture, you take him to chill with your friends and their significant others which is the equivalent of taking a dog to a dog run. You watch them play, laugh tell dirty jokes from behind the boundary of the sick simulacrum of reality you have created. On Valentine’s Day after the whole box lunch/going for sushi, no matter how bad that was, you have do whatever depraved sexual act  you have been refusing to do for the last year and half (It seems to change every year and half) let your moral compass or lack there of be your guide. Before you snicker, let me explain why.

For both Men and women

Relationships work on illusion and reward, kind of like strip clubs, first dates, government, painful trips to the confession booth at church etc. The best way to  keep it going is through a variable ratio schedule. What do I mean by that?

In operant conditioning, a variable-ratio schedule is a schedule of reinforcement where a response is reinforced after an unpredictable number of responses. This schedule creates a high steady rate of responding.

You want to keep the response to the illusion frequent. The best example of this variable ratio is the lotto, millions put their hopes and dreams into as vapidly unfulfilling as lotto, and the people who do win spiral into depravity, depression, and destitution (ironically as quick as people in relationships) quicker than those who live day to day with no hope of emancipation from the cul-de-sac they call living.


Two simple steps folks and Valentine day can once again become a sybaritical escape in excess. Guys put on your stamp collector’s/licker’s cap (turned backwards of course) and get to work. Ladies just take it because we all know after today you will never give it without first exacting a heavy price on the soul.




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