For a long time I had unhealthy amounts of rage. My normal state is calm and collected and a bit on the taciturn side. I have a great deal of patience. However there were some moments where I would flip out like the Incredible Hulk and get really destructive and aggressive. I would have to sequester myself away from others till I calmed down. It took a me a long time to come to terms with this. One of the main source of this rage was of course childhood “spanking“.
In the Carribean of my parents and grandparents day spanking, and other sorts of corporal punishment where how kids got trained and molded into balanced adults. It seems this was so in other parts of the world as well. When my parents came here to this country a lot of their fear and frustration and anger unfortunately got expressed through disciplining me. The crime never fit the punishment, and at some point it was really excessive like every day.
I’m not a judge or jury, and I can’t step in my parents shoes or go through all the incredible things they went through to give me and my sister a better life than they had. But I can say when you start to take things out on the your kids there is a problem. My mom has since apologized and we are cool but my father insists that nothing happened and he was a great parent and has even rewrote history so that I didnt really go through anything.
I have a lot of compassion for my father and the horrible calamity he went through and that is the only reason I didn’t on many ocassions knock him the fuck out. The older he got the more controlling and manipulative he got, he would instigate fights with everyone in the house. It was a nightmare to live there day after day. The only reason I stayed was for my little sister.
BTW I have been taking care of this knuckle-head since day one, I watched after her when she was a baby, I changed her diapers, read to her, helped her with homework, money help, took beatings to cover up dumb shit she did, took her punk-ass to school, picked her up, threatened the guys she dated. We became like best friends having gone through so much together and not in the southern United sense.
I became before I left the house the diplomat, the defacto money lender, the peace keeping force I was like the UN. I stopped skirmishes and violence from erupting was a peace keeping force and that was draining because it meant going head to head with the pops all the time and as I still had respect and love for him I couldn’t go for the jugular. So we would lock horns alot.
Thank God at the time I found the gym, some other guys to roll with- with similar stories, martial arts (and therapy some years later). I have always been acutely aware to make sure I don’t project my own nonsense on to others and so far its been pretty awesome especially to not be in fear of becoming a raging abusive asshole.