How can You have your pudding if you don’t Eat your Meat: My experience with Religion(1)

One of my favorite things to joke about is religion. I think that is because I grew up Catholic which means that like a woman’s vagina, I only gave special attention to religion on holidays or when away on vacation (it is a shame isnt it, I guess take your pick cunnilingus or religion).

There is a special relationship in the West between women and religion which is why the pudding and eating meat title is so apropos. Christianity has for centuries disenfranchised women from themselves, burned then at the stake, and in doing so destroyed itself. According to the crap they feed me in 14 years of catholic school, the first person to see the risen Christ was a women, and his mom was a pretty big deal, and is also one of the holiest women in all of the bible and Islam who talked directly  with the Archangel Gabriel, something reserved only for prophets. But while I can impress you here with my knowledge of the Abrahamic religions and a discourse on the ramifications of exoteric misinterpretation of esoteric doctrine, I will rather feed you bit by bit and get you strung on my awesomeness. Thats how a true Christian gentleman does it.

So Here are some strange things about my experience of religion:

1. In my catholic elementary school a Nun ran it. She only hired women who were bitter and with no children. Widows, women who were frigid, and completely uncaring. There were no men other than the janitors and it was a strange kind of thing. They had a nun who was a nurse teach sex ed, I don’t see the sense in that unless she was a whore before becoming a nun and I didn’t see any stretch markets on the corners of her mouth from the years of labor.

The teachers used fear and excessive yelling to keep the class in order. Im not sure why, it didnt work in Europe and on the historical stage for long.  After puberty hit and the boys at least towered over the teachers it got bizarre, tactics became psychological. Weaker students were generally mistreated by everyone, it was very lord of the flies in all seriousness. Nothing says savagery and sexual acts between students more than Catholic school. There is a reason why Catholic school girls are know for being easy and all catholic school kids are savages once outside of school.

Generally if you are a smart kid Catholic school is like being in a rectory alone with a deviant priest, you’re finding salami in the worse possible way and places. I was bored out of my fucking mind for 9 years of elementary school. I was never challenged, I saw a lot of the hypocrisy in what was being taught and said. On a side note if you are a smart kid, and have a spine, and are the first born son of immigrants in a new country like the USA, you probably have gotten beat more times than Kim Kardashian has taken it in the face, (man juice keeps the wrinkles and blemishes away on the opposite sex- it something about the promise of life being in-actualized and transferring its vitality to the skin) mostly  out of your parents fear and frustration not necessarily.

Some people during the offering of the sign of peace will resort to any tactic to not shake your hand. It’s very much the kind of social castigation and mistreatment  of people Jesus was known for.


There are no such things as religious people. One isn’t a Christian or Muslim or Hindu or whatever by being born into it. One’s action when observed by others should speak for whatever one’s faith it. By one’s actions I don’t mean a fastidious attention to many minor details, I mean deeper understanding that should accompany deeper ritualistic expression. By this standard I have not seen a single religious person.

Telling kids abstinence is the way is complete  bullshit, telling kids marriage is holy is bullshit when you tell them that Christ didn’t marry. Can you imagine Christ being married “Oh You think I don’t know you’ve been hanging with that whore, …I was curing her of her sin, Jesus Fuckin Christ …( it wouldn’t have been a curse back then) how dumb do I look. Asking kids to turn the other cheek is wrong in any case. Telling anyone how to live based on your blinkered understanding of whatever you follow is a load of crap.


  1. Nice, religion is one of my favorite topics to poke fun at. I recently had an odd experience on another blog….I made a religious crack, but didn’t realize it was a conservative blog. Ooops, I may write about it later.

    I’m sorry you were raised Catholic, that’s damn scary. You bring up some great points here. I truly am a fan of irony. While I feel terrible for children who the priests abuse, the irony does crack me up. A priest molesting a boy, HA. How’s that work Jesus? The best is when a Pro-lifer guns down an abortion doctor. HA, irony.


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