Silly stuff at the Gym and yes that’s MrMary

All that niceness makes me a bit dull 🙂

I went out of character with my postings this weekend. I was serious, genuinely nice and introspective. I don’t want you thinking that since the award and a hot date with my secret crush, I fell off. Not being sarcastic/satirical left a bad taste in my mouth like, well that’s not so much a taste in the mouth as much as it is something in your teeth anyways what I mean is that, that’s not why you all come here for. So with that said I’m gonna get back to what I do best, and after cleaning myself off, (this croissant was very flaky) spout more nonsense.

Ladies with make-up & revealing clothing

Make-up if you wear it and work out you end up looking like a clown. I mean wear it like you wanna get extra mileage out of it, like its caked on.

My gym is very divided  the men are by the weights and the women by the cardio machines. Clearly a political statement, and exteriorization of the flight and fight syndrome- women work on cardio to run away from creepy guys and look good doing it, men work on looking intimidating but creepy, and on prepare to fight each other for no reason at all.

The Infamous MrMary MuthaFuckingPoppins, with 6 pack on the way

BTW I wish I had the kind of power women do in the gym. I can’t wear a skimpy outfits or walk around with my balls pressed together and spilling out my low-rider Incredible-Hulk tattered sweats and shut down all activity in part of the gym. If I could do that and not get arrested or my gym membership revoked I would not be here writing you. Random thought: Also I’m pretty sure it would be distracting if my bits and pieces (aka my ‘snackage’ ) were flopping around everywhere.

Ladies you do not have to  bend over and try to touch your toes while your on the cross trainer. This is not a Lil Jon song, no need to Get Low for attention. The wedgie from doing that looks painful and your souventment (underwear in French) when your done must look like just used floss after a trip to a Brazilian BBQ – not a good look [I wish I actually never came up with that analogy it’s rather vile].

Advice to Women: Don’t try and be sexy when you work out. You are sexy as is and you always fall off the machine in the most ungracious way and I am not going to help you after you have fallen on your head off the elliptical.  I leave that to the paramedics.

WHY THE FUCK IS CNN ON?

I was working out one Monday; on half the screens there was a Falcons game and on the other there was the beating and sodomizing of Moumar Gaddafi. The repeated flashing of graphic imagery didn’t help.  Other times CNN is on with some nonsensical music videos. I guess it complete the story arch where we can see the ramifications of our moral somnolence in one screen and the policies we put in place to maintain it in another screen.

I don’t want to work out with Don Lemon in my face while listening to Moves like Jagger by Maroon 5 I remember working out to back in the day angry songs, songs that made you want to ignore the pain of your rotator cuff ripping while you bench pressed incorrectly or maybe that was me? It’s hard to get a pump going to I’ve got the moves like Jagger” for me at least as I like ladies. I used to work out to lyrics like:

And now you do what they told ya, now you’re under control
And now you do what they told ya, now you’re under control
And now you do what they told ya!
____________OR____________
Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me
Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me
Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me

Over-Friendly Older Women

Unfortunately for some reason middle aged and older women love hitting on me “Hey handsome can you show me how to work this machine.” As a gentleman I am of course going to help, but the subsequent questions are very uncomfortable:

Old Lady in her late 40’s

Older Lady: Can you help me use the electronic step machine?
Me: Sure gets to the adjacent machine…. OK you have to get on first
Older Lady: Ok
Me: Ok Hows that?
Older Lady: I want it harder
Me: Excuse me?
Older Lady This level is too easy I’d would like it more difficult
Me: Oh ok …(tinkering on the machine)
Older Lady: I want it faster ..
Me: oh let me see…. Is it ok ?
Older Lady: Yes thank you! Such a nice young man, How are you still single, I don’t see a ring?
Me: uhm – I don’t know, hasn’t happened yet I suppose
Older Lady: Aww thanks for helping me, I wish I could pay you back, but I’m guessing I’m too old to take you dinner

btw- does anyone know what the appropriate thing to say here so that I dont look like a douche ?

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