“It’s possible to love a human being if you don’t know them too well.” – Bukowski
For the Ladies
Ladies, if there is one thing you should know about me it’s that the way to my heart is through compliments and awards if you keep those coming, you will be too – that is to a nice dinner or place to chill with me. I’m just thorough like that. It’s a simple formula.
Unlike most guys my age, I’m not so much into getting laid. (I’m into getting laid repeatedly – frequency over time, which is a angular momentum in physics – literally)…(just kidding it’s a different formula)… Don’t get me wrong, the highest pleasure a human being, or rather this human being can experience is the administration of a consummate bludgeoning of the carnal kind but there is more than just that. Why? – well because as has been said there is a loneliness in this world so great that you can see it in the slow movement of the hands of a clock. The scarcity of something is what determines it’s worth; a pretty lady to ground and pound is a commodity, it can be bought and traded but someone who’s presence in your life can efface the slow movements and silent articulations on the face of the clock is rare, and worth their weight in gold.
So with that said, I decided to test my luck, and contact my secretcrushfortwoweeks (She does this cute thing with words, scrunches them all up together and leaves no room for spaces – it’s like foreboding in a day-dream sorta way) . She gave me compliments and an award which swelled my ego, the least I could do is return for more adulation.
Going into the conversation I had some hunches about my Secret Crush for two weeks. Judging from her blog she is obviously a confident, and very expressive lady in person and on the phone. Her blog is very minimalistic not any pictures, except her versatile blogger award no different colors or fonts, and she has been on many dates. Women who date often are secure with themselves, no one talks about dates with Emily Dickenson, she stayed home and wrote poetry. The minimalistic expression coupled with aforementioned facts and other observations gave me the insight needed to hit her with some serious charm.
I got more compliments, and other awards which cannot unfortunately be shared with you mostly because, as confirmed by the phone conversation, you all aren’t on my level of swag and sophistication. Sorry for the arrogance obviously it will take my ego some time to go down, after such a conversation, luckily the bag of frozen peas I am sitting on should expedite that process.
Suffice it to say she is beautiful and bossy in a way that makes me wanna clean up my apartment, get to those dishes, and carry on like I give a crap. Ultimately behind the snark what this means is that I never noticed the moving hands on the clock. Dont Judge me! – If you can find one or show me a man who lives alone and has a perpetually clean kitchen and apartment, and 8/9 times, I’ll show you a man with detestable spiritual qualities.
Any asshole can chase a skirt, but it takes a real gentleman to … OK the peas have thawed. To make a long story short, we exchanged digits, and with as much pageantry as a Wesley Snipes in Jungle Fever joke can muster, I asked her out on a date on Valentines Day 2012. It seems that Fate, a work conference and an odd alignment of thawed vegetables have made this happen.
However there is a slight sardonic twist. As we prepare for the date we will be documenting the preparation up till the date, and giving you thoughts and feedback after the date. When people this amazing come together there will be sparks and all kinds of sanctimonious posturing, crazy charm, swag and dance moves!
Seduction is always more singular and sublime than sex and it commands the higher price.
I agree with a lot of what you say here. I don’t so much want sex from hot girls as much as I want everyone to think that I had sex withthem. That’s sort of the same thing…
Hope the date goes well for you both!
P.S. You don’t by any chance go by the name Drake do you? I had a friend by that name and you remind me of him. Never knew his real name. It’s a short story that I don’t feel like getting into.
Hey Moose !
Great minds have always thought alike and this is no exception. Its actually proof that we are at the top of the game. My real name isn’t Drake. I’ve never gone by Drake, only if a lady has asked me too when we play our adult games.
This is so wonderful. I’m interested to hear about the date – please allow me to live vicariously through you!!
lol Your funny and cute love the post on the pretzel stick lol
[…] her your “secret crush for two weeks” on your […]
I JUST READ THIS! Clearly I missed a lot in my 10-day-absence. A BLOGGYDATE! This is SO exciting! Way to be a go-getter Dave!!! I know this is weird, but I feel like a parent excited about my child going on their first date. Sick.
Anyway, hope it goes well! If it doesn’t, please lie and tell me a good story, but I’m certain that won’t happen because well..it just won’t.
btw, that Emily Dickinson line had me rolling. jeeeeeeeeez too funny. hahaha