Contrasting the Ancient Practice of Onanism and making New Years Resolution


Quite often we delude ourselves into imagining that we can change, or better yet that we really want to change.  We say we want to lose weight but from the way we pound the buffet and fridge, it seems we we don’t really. Ultimate we are happy being overly indulgent slobs.

If you don’t believe me ask yourself why after being with a significant other for some period of time, we gain some extra weight, and a lot of activities center more around eating as opposed to physical exertion. Better example You both know what you had for dinner and lunch together two days ago but  you can remembered the last time you engaged in sexual congress.

By the way did you like how the term ‘sexual congress’ santize the actual  act?

We all have an an inner fat ass, but what keeps us from embracing that inner fat ass aside from not having an arm span comparable to an albatross, is other people… vanity, jealousy.  We look at the magazine, at celebrities and in our insatiable thirst to consume more, and be in the spotlight and wield power over others, we want to look and act a certain way. This brings me to my next observation

Cardinal Sin as a Goad !!!!

I view cardinal sins like I do the Dutch East India Company – they are both evil. But so is everything else  like Chinese toothpaste, reading to children if you were a porn Star, Gummi Lifesavers, and peaceful demonstrations.

As a culture we worry about results not so much how we got them – take a look at the Tet Offensive. Resolutions for the New Year  are a big trade-in or exchange of  cardinal sins underneath it all. Ones hope to trade in gluttony for sloth as the main driving force behind what we do, for false pride, vanity and envy.. The 2 for 3 deal of the season. But here is the kicker:

The need to be well fed and fat-fuckish, is stronger and more primal than the need for Loving and Belonging and Self Esteem. I am almost willing to bet that the exchange never goes well. In the end you still are gluttonous and slothful but now you’ve opened the door for more helpings of false pride envy and jealousy. But there is a solution. You have probably googled onanism already and this ancient practice could hold a solution to getting out the morass of cardinal sin and incredulity.

The Ancient Practice of Onanism

I have always been a bit of a fatalist – it is the forced french heritage. We only change when confronted with a bad situation, when confronted with calamity. We should best prepare for that coming calamity. We can’t prepare for the coming calamity by dwelling in fear and anxiety, by trading one sin for another.

A picture from an 1845 medical book depicting ‘the Last Stage of Mental & Bodily Exhaustion from Onanism or Self-pollution’ from the days when onanism was widely assumed to be a cause of madness.

My solution is  simply instead of making plans for the New Years instead  indulge in a little self-pollution, at least you will have something to show for it.

– Mr Mary

This post was inspired by this post written by the incomparable Ms Schmidt

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