An Inappropriate Guide to Intimacy New Years Eve Night

Today New’s Years Eve has been considered the one of the days of the year that it is easiest to get laid and by getting laid I mean sloppy trying to come to turns with bad coordination a lack of lubrication and foppishly fumbling to find the correct orifice. Yes it said that this typically is what passes for sex on New Years eve.

But out of the goodness of my heart I have decided look past my own physical discomfort and slight body pain to pen this for you. No need to thank me just follow my guide and  pass it on to another person. Lets get started!

MrMary’s Guide to Intimacy New Years Eve Night

Sex can be great and a wonderful experience, but if you are lucky enough to not be having sex with yourself tonight and another being will be there with you, and not just passively watch you masturbate (that’s marriage), but participate here are something to keep in mind.

Warning For Gentleman and Ladies

Also ladies whatever you do  please do not set high standards of performance or likeability for tonight. write a note to yourself and put it on your bathroom mirror so the next morning you wont freak out when you wake up and are sore , have stretch marks around your mouth and or have a  sprained wrist. Your low standards and subconscious curiosity may just have lead you into the over enthusiastic embrace of a gang-bang.

_____________

Gentleman,

If you have both been drinking DO NOT have sex or even talk about it. Go home and rub a few out to whatever re-run there happens to be on TV. If you are in America don’t worry, every American sitcom has a character male or female who is attractive sexually frustrated and doesn’t have the brain cells necessary to do more than maintain some personal hygiene habits.  If it must happen go out tonight with people who can corroborate your story everyone has a depressed friend  who is not going to get any even if he paid for it. Use him! Include him in your activities have him text you every hour once you pick the lady up. This will help in court

With That Out of the Way

I generally know no one will will listen to my suggestions so here it is lets get into it. Some music to set the mood that will contrast with what I am saying and provide this post with absurdity and the situational Irony you’ve so desperately needed since I have been away.

It’s like a jungle atmosphere And we’re two monkeys baby It’s like we’re on a vine The way we’re swinging it baby See, you’re a tiger girl The way you’re scratching me I’m a lion In this jungle I’m a king Girl, I got you so wet It’s like a rain forest Like Jurassic Park Except I’m your sex-a-saurus baby

# 1

This is the year the Christmas and New years Time when a lot of people are in the depths of despair. You are too but you don’t realize it because you’ve been conditioned to love the status quo. This is not the time to try anal, it will be shitty and let me tell you why. Sphincter control and alcohol consumption are not best friends. In fact they hate each other and cant be in the same room together. I heard perhaps the most disgusting new years eve sex story in my life a few days ago. You will thank me. I know your think just going for anal will be a protection in a way from those wrong hole accidents, but no for the sake of those awkward moments the next day and strange stickiness you will indubitably investigate, dont do it.

———–

Baby take your mind into a zone
Imagine that we all alone
Two ways are off and our friends are gone
Now it’s just you and me getting it on
Take my hand and come with me
Let’s indulge in fantasies
Cast your cares and worries
While we fall into this ecstasy

I’m gonna rub your body, so baby just relax
You’ve been pouring out your loving, so now its time to pour it back

#2

Ladies go easy on the oral, you’re already feeling nauseous and queasy from having to balance on those clear high heels you love so much while drinking, take this as a time to perfect your form and not try to win gold medals.

Guys – if you drink like I think and know you are, you will only be able to intermittently have an erection. Your coordination will be off, again take it easy work on your stroke, save the ball deep action or the death-stroke  for the next morning when you decide if the other person is is physically attractive enough for actual sexy-time. Bottom line there will be no grand finale or finish for either of you just enjoy the ride as bumpy and nauseating as it is.

———–

Girl, the time has come
To show and prove
I’ve seen enough I wanna feel the truth
Put your voodo on me babe
Kiss my lips
And curse me babe
Show me how you do your magic babe
Lead me to your secret jungle babe

3 #

Carry hygiene necessities  on your person before you leave the house, the next morning you can freshen up and the goodbye kiss won’t taste like sperm, ball-sack, and other assorted bodily fluids, cigarettes, beer, and cheap vodka.

Try to tidy up a bit right afterwards. Shower or just clean yourself off in the sink. It will help in the morning especially if you have to rush off somewhere. You don’t wont to be the guy/girl on public mass transit or in a taxi cab that sticks up the joint because you smell like you had sex and it dried up all on you and marinated (dry marination)

_______

Finally

Don’t Worry about the other person judging you, your both nasty and inhibited.  Enjoy your  decent into the seeming moral somnolence you have denied yourself for years.  Also anything you are going to engage in sexual activity please use protection. I don’t mean UV sunglasses or holy water which I should have used on some women in the past.

How does it Feel ?

How does it feel
How does it feel
Said I wanna know how does it feel
How does it feel
How does it feel

I wanna stop
Silly little games U and me play
And I am feeling right on ……………..

Showing that Blogger Love: Who/what will you be humping this holiday-season?

I thought that with my Thanksgiving‘s Day post: This Thanksgiving I am Thanking All you Readers for Indulging me  it would be the last I would hear or write about dry humping people.

Whenever I was in the mood for intimacy I would dry hump  my ex-gf and make loud animal noises like the National Geographic Channel was doing another one of their documentaries. The first few times it was funny, it was cute and almost charming. After a while it became childish, vulgar, and intolerable. Especially when I started to do it all the time and at a Duane Reade (a pharmacy).

But thanks to Daan, author of the blog I FKKN ROK  I will be dry humping a few blogs. Let me explain:

Daan had a stunning epiphany that Blogs need love too AND they’re humpable. This holiday season in a tremendous show of vigor, and sexual athleticism he has chosen 9 blogs to hump into submission one of which is this blog ASpoonfulOfSuga.

So first thanks to Daan, for being a gentleman and letting me know of his intentions first, giving me enough time to trim and clean-up all the hairy comments  and make things a lil more presentable.

So here are the Blog I will be dry Humping  this holiday season.

1. DuhMerica   He is one of the most honest and straightforward people I know.  I collaborated with him once, and it was so good it warranted some Holiday Humping
2. Blogdramedy  She came up with the idea of Blogfestivus and its been fun participating. Plus she rocks sunglasses like no one else I’ve seen in recent times. She is also funny and very witty
3. Just Another Canadian Gurl  What’s not to like about this other Canadian girl. She’s funny, and is one of the few people that looks cool with both short and long hair. If your nice she’ll give you greats tips for taking care of your teeth
4. javaj240   I was hooked when I read her about page. We have similar humor and we both like to read or have affairs with books. An she writes to exorcise her demons. I love a blogger/women with demons, and you will too, check her out
5. AliceAtWonderLand    She is funny and witty and her blog has this cool phantasmagoric feel to it. She personal also advocates the pressing of her big red button, which means to be dry humping is tolerated nad appreciated especially before button  pressing or mashing. I havent asked yet.
6. fixitordeal  I came across this blogger doing the blog festivus thing, she is funny and really positive person. She made me rethink my cantakerousness and bitterness at life with her culled for your enjoyment section of her blog
7. SoIWentUnderCover  She is all kinds of awesome.  She pays me compliments and as a result I feel like buying her stuff and saying yes. But she hasn’t cashed that in yet.
8. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher She is really interesting person. I like hearing what she has to say. She loves language, Charles Bukowski and of herself has said and I quote: ” I do use my tongue prettier than a $20 whore!”
9. Lady From Manilla – She is really really nice, sweet and sincere, I dare you to read her November Babe Musings  and disagree with me

I will be featuring these blogs and bloggers on my blog unless they do not want me too  for the next few weeks.  If you are not following them you’re missing out.

Who/what will you be humping this holiday-season?

 

A Video responce to Sexual Tourism in Jamaica (1)

Female sex tourism occurs when Western women travel to developing countries in order to gain sexual or romantic favors that are scarce or not available to them in their own country. Female sex tourism is often ignored due to the significantly lower rates in comparison to male sex tourism. Female sex tourism differs from male sex tourism, because of the different gender roles it encompasses. Female sex tourism strays away from the strictly physical aspect of the sex tour and diverges into different aspects of the relationship such as romance and intimacy between the female tourist and the sex worker

Female sex tourism occurs in diverse regions of the world. The demographics of these female sex tourists differ from tourist to tourist. Female sex tourist are usually classified as upper-middle to upper class women who comes from a developed Westernized country. These women will flock to underdeveloped countries such as; the Caribbean or Kenya, in search of romance or sexual outlets.

Interesting Read

‘Sex, tourism and the Postcolonial Encounter: Landscapes of Longing in Egypt

 

MrMary has Just One Inappropriate Question for You, Ready?

Jocular Look @ Today’s News || Man complains to cops about prostitute who cut his time short & MrMary’s Solution

Like many of us who encounter poor customer service, Scott Pipher complained. Unfortunately for the New Hampshire man, he was being serviced by a prostitute, and he made his complaint to the police. In a case announced this week, police in Old Orchard Beach, Maine, said Pipher was arrested in March after he called them to complain that a prostitute he hired did “not give him his money’s worth,” cutting their session 10 minutes short. Pipher, as well as two alleged prostitutes, were arrested in the subsequent investigation. This wasn’t Pipher’s first paid tryst — he is listed on national escort databases as a difficult customer. Classy guy. [Source]

MrMary Weighs In

First off I am  blown away that there is a National escort database  for customers.

But earlier in the week I reported that a women beat up her husband for finishing too quickly during there sexcapades. I guess this fellow felt just as short changed as the woman did and wanted to vent and voice his complaint to someone so he called the cops. It seem the bartender at his local bar, the homeless man on the corner wasn’t good enough because this dude wanted revenge and clearly he wasn’t thinking.

My Solution

The Gentleman‘s C or the Cheerleader’s C+ Plan

In time like these, it falls upon my shoulders again to create an easy accessible plan that everyone can follow  both man or women. So here it is pay attention and follow the directs exactly and we will all end up happier

yeah …

Jocular Look @ Today’s News || Lady gropes self, others, licks people, hits on female cop, police say

There’s drunk, there’s really drunk and then there’s Jana Annette Lawrence. According to police, the 46-year-old got herself kicked out of two — TWO! — Georgia bars on Saturday night, after mourning (or celebrating?) the Georgia Bulldogs‘ SEC Championship loss by “rubbing her genital area,” flashing her boobs to the bar and licking at least two strangers, tongue bathing one woman’s face and a man’s tattoo. At the second bar, when the management told her to pull her pants up, she did exactly the opposite. And, as a final cherry on this hot mess sundae, when Lawrence was being booked into jail she asked the female officer if she “had or wanted a girlfriend.” That’s quite the evening. [Source]

MrMary Weighs In

The best comment I read about this so far:

Boy! I hardly recognized Lindsey Lohan without her make up!

SOME DRUNK GIRLS AINT TRASH CUZ EVEN TRASH GETS PICKED UP

I always thought it was a myth that when women get drunk that the line between right and wrong suddenly becomes obscure and it’s ok to ask for sexually non conservative kind of things. I guess it’s not a myth afterall.  I am not one to talk I got really drunk and peed on City Hall, yes I literally peed on NYC’s own City Hall, actually I wasn’t drunk, just a bit silly. I got drunk and flashed people chased pizza delivery boys, trying to steal their pizzas, started a fight with a Mormon Couple. I proposed to a  lady with a coconut ring, ah to be young and bit off !!! Yes Daddy used to get a little wild and out of hand back in the day.

But all that was done not in a single night but over years, across the country, in different cities. I never licked anyone who didnt solicit me in some way to do so or tried to flirt with a cop. Flirting with a  cop for me is having  death Wish.

Tangent

The Police scar the shit out of me literally.

EAST CLEVELAND, Ohio — With 13 Cleveland police officers firing 137 rounds and killing two people following a chase Thursday night, city leaders are seeking answers and could ask for a civil rights investigation.Investigators reported through the day Friday that they believed there were two men inside the car, a possible misinterpretation because of how badly the bodies were damaged from all the rounds fired.

ULTIMATELY

It’s long been a stereotype that women can’t hold their booze, but some years ago scientists actually proved it. Women get drunk faster than men, even a woman who weighs the same as a man. scientists from New York and Italy published a study showing that women have a lot less of a stomach enzyme called alcohol dehydrogenase. The enzyme is created in the stomach lining, and in men it breaks down alcohol before it can even get into the intestine. In women, however, there’s far less activity, meaning they absorb 30 percent more alcohol into their bodies than men.

So you can expect to see more of this behaviour. I believe alcohol may be behind a lot of the crazy behaviour we have seen lately from women: biting off nuts, and beating up significant others who finish to fast in bed. Good luck !!!!

Related articles

• Licking Strangers, Exposing Buttocks and Racial Slurs: One Fan Drank Too Much While Watching The SEC Championship Game (sportsgrid.com)
• Jocular Look @ Todays News || Ass Implants aka Buttock Augmentation What will they Think Up Next (aspoonfulofsuga.wordpress.com)
• Jocular Look @ Today’s News || Ladies slicing toes to wear heels in comfort is so hot right now (aspoonfulofsuga.wordpress.com)
• Jocular Look @Today’s News || A Fantasy Slut League at a California Highschool (aspoonfulofsuga.wordpress.com)
• Jocular Look @Today’s News: Secret audio of cops threatening teen under Stop and Frisk goes viral (aspoonfulofsuga.wordpress.com)
• Jocular Look @ Today’s News || Stripper sisters ‘too pretty’ for pudding fight OK with starting brawl (aspoonfulofsuga.wordpress.com)
• Jocular Look @ Today’s News || Shoplifting suspect is stripped down to his skivvies at 7-Eleven (aspoonfulofsuga.wordpress.com)
• Jocular Look @ Today’s News || Brilliant cops tase blind man after mistaking his cane for a sword (aspoonfulofsuga.wordpress.com)
• Jocular Look @ Today’s News || National Guard members hunted homeless with paintballs (aspoonfulofsuga.wordpress.com)
• Jocular Look @ Today’s News || Woman makes false rape claim because of ‘bad’ sex with her date (aspoonfulofsuga.wordpress.com)

 

Another Inappropriate Christmas Gift …. Uhm this one is crazy

 

Doc Johnson Good Head Strawberry Oral Sex Mints

Flavored desensitizing mints. For the ultimate blow job. Individually wrapped oral sex mints. Good Head once only available as a lickable oral sex gel is now in a more convenient mint. Deep throat like never before. Helps suppress the gag reflex. Doubles as a minty breathe freshener. Easy to use. Sugar free. Oral anesthetic. Single tin 20 oral sex mints.

Now these come in two flavors

Spearmint

&

Strawberry

Doc Johnson is a name you can trust obviously because Johnson is a Doctor.  Is anyone willing to be a secret product shopper and test out this product on their significant other and report back?

Similar Product

 

 

 

Go Deep Oral Sex Mints Adam-Eve

Customer Review:

GO DEEP ON YOUR MAN, November 11, 2012 5/5 Stars

THE NAME IS WHAT CAUGHT MY EYE!!! I LUV THESE!! THEY ARE GREAT FOR GAGGERS. MY HUSBAND HAS LENGTH & WIDTH…BEFORE USING THESE I COULD NEVER TAKE HIM IN AS FAR AS I CAN NOW. I KNOW I HAVE IMPROVED FROM HIS EXPRESSION’S. I WOULD LIKE TO TOOT MY OWN HORN AND SAY I AM A GREAT AT IT NOW…LOL. I HAVE READ OTHER REVIEWS AND IT DIDN’T WORK FOR SOME BUT FOR I TRY TO KEEP THEM BC I KNOW MY MAN LOVES THEM. ALSO YOU HAVE TO BE INTO WHAT YOU’RE DOING BC IF YOU DON’T ENJOY DOING IT THEN YOUR PROBABLY NOT GOING TO BE GOOD AT SOMETHING YOU DON’T ENJOY DOING,,JUST A THOUGHT. I RECOMMEND THESE!! I GIVE THEM 5 STARS!!!!

________

BLAH, June 18, 2012 1/5 STARS

I bought these awhile back and thought they might work, why not they said they would, be very careful with them they are large mints and take awhile to do dissolve but they numb your tongue, not your throat. Plus my fiancee said that after I used them he had a pain for about an hour not a rash but he was really red for that time these I wouldn’t recommend. Trying to get them to numb the back of your throat is just not worth the hassle of trying not to choke, I almost did twice on these, and you can’t even try and do anything while they are in your mouth or your looking at a 911 call for sure LOLZ.

Showing that Blogger Love: Reason I Hate Being a Man

I was inspired to write this after I read The Curse of Eve: Reasons I Hate Being a Woman. You all should check her out !!!  Her blog I mean. I’m sure she is quite fine in person.

DISCLAIMER: This is meant to be a JOKE.  You know Ha-Ha funny kinda of joke. If You take this seriously then you jsut may be a joke.

Reasons I hate Being  Man

Reason # 1

I don’t live as long as my female counterparts, I don’t know if that is a gift or blessing but I kind feel left out

Reason # 2

Turn out that I can get woken up from the libidinous clutches of sleep to investigate sounds or kill insects. There is nothing more absurd than walking investigating strange sounds half asleep with a boner. It is one of the original Commandments  Thou shall not bludgeon thy female neighbours ass  (a lot of grey area with legal interpretation concerning this commandment)

Reason # 3 Had to learn about gentleness subtlety

I didn’t naturally come knowing about subtlety or tact. For example turns out my  over development of  leg and lower back strength didn’t help out my intimate relationships especially when my lady friend had to wake up early for work the next morning. Now by default I rut like an old man:  slow and ugly.

Reason # 4   Movies

Sometimes I have to not only watch movies but pretend to be into it. It’s not my fault I am genetically predisposed to plotless stories with love, violence explosions, car chases, hot girls, and people getting beat-down.

Reason # 5 Arguments

I was born not being interested in winning arguments. So I have no compulsion to win them. Even if I had that inclination I could not. So I stay silent but my silence is always misconstrued and  misappropriated which is why dudes have arguments with other dudes over completely trivial stuff like the weather, the quickest way to get to work, i.e  meaningless stuff where there is a clear winner.

Reason # 6 Other Dudes

There are other dudes that always try to show off and exert what little power hey think they have on you by force and administration of pain, we call them the police where I am from.

Reason #7 Oprah

She tells women all kinds of crazy bullshit that some actually believe.

This Thanksgiving I am Thanking All you Readers for Indulging me

Whenever I was in the mood for intimacy I would dry hump  my ex-gf and make loud animal noises like the National Geographic Channel was doing another one of their documentaries. The first few times it was funny, it was cute and almost charming. After a while it became childish, vulgar, and intolerable. Especially when I started to do it all the time and at a Duane Reade (a pharmacy).

Every time I write a blog post in my diseased mind I am dry humping your leg while you read or do something that is nowhere near as fun as being dry-humped to the sounds of alley cats in heat. So far you haven’t politely asked me to stop dry humping you which is a testament dear reader to your tolerance and acceptance. Well what more could I ask for ?

So here is to your continued good humour. Thank you for indulging me. I hope our arrange will continue being fruitful and as god for you as it is for me

Vivacious (& that sound @ 1 min is because the male cat’s penis is barbed)

Jocular Look @ Todays News || DIY kits helps you create art while having Sex

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South African artist Jeremy Brown is marketing a DIY kit that provides couples everything they need to make art with their intertwined bodies: Just spread the “specially-formulated” non-toxic, washable paint on you and your partner, stretch out on the non-allergenic canvas, and let the sexy times begin. The finished result is a canvas dabbed in paint that traces the rough outlines of your heretofore private activity, suitable for framing — as long as you don’t mind nauseating anyone who sees the painting and has the vaguest idea about its provenance.

MrMary Weighs In

When did music stop being considered art. Depending on how cheap your bed or your hotel room is there is a definite music to sex: slow and gentle sound very different from the death stroke. If it wasn’t for the music of sex this song Rakata  (Una canción de los mejores reggaetoneros del mundo) by Wisin y Yandel would have never been as popular:

x2cncq_mas-flow-2-wisin-y-yandel-rakata-vi_music#.UKSDAHbKyJM

Urban Dictionary Tie-In

I heard my home-girl Ms. Jen and Tonic has a love for Urban Diction so here you go Ms Thang

Rakata -

Cuban/Puerto Rican slang for having sex. The word Rakata (repeated over and over) imitates the sound that furniture makes when 2 people are having sex.

“Rakata, rakata
Si se me pega voy a darle /if she comes close to me I’m going to give it to her,
Rakata, rakata
Esta noche quiero hacerle/this night I’m gonna make her
Rakata, rakata”

(that was translated by my homey -The Angel of Death – an actual Puerto Rican)

I was in a hotel once on a conference and the couple next door (we shared the same bedroom wall) was music making. As a man I couldn’t knock on the wall and say:

STOP ASKING HER THE FUCKING QUESTION ,
SHE SAID FUCKING YES ALREADY  LIKE 5 TIMES !!!!!

But it was art, a steady baseline the moans the YES !!! YES!!! YES!!! YES!!! YES!!! YES!!!, the high-pitched  squeals. And how could I forget the cacophonous death stroke induced grand finale ?

DeathStroke – When for some reason the guy arches his back which  just about reaches the ceiling and drive it full force balls-deep into the object of his affection. This is usually used to end a session of rutting or for the unexperienced constitute the entirely of the sexual congress.

OK Seriously Now

I don’t see the appeal of this personally.  The act of sexual congress is art enough for me especially if there is music playing. If my lady friend really wanted to try I’d give it a go for her sake but this seems retarded to me. Here is what some commenter had to say (I incluided some of the more crazier comments to balance out my nonsense:

I do not believe an artist of my caliber should be rushed into creating one of my works in the 1-2 minutes it takes for me to complete coitus.

I’d need an extra jar of paint…my wife has a fat assssss

Now it makes sense…when I drove by this one farm, I noticed some sheep had been covered in black paint.

My art would have cracker crumbs on it because my wife eats crackers and watches TV when I’m feeding her the good old tube sausage.

I already make jewelry during sex.

If the paint was red instead of black #10 would almost look like my sheets after my first time.

Give it to the Obamas – the’ll Sell It and Tax It and give the money to the United Nations for Their Support Of Terrorism in the Middle East and Beyond!

I don’t want to look like Obama when having sex most of all i dont want my woman looking like Machelle Obama

Potential Victim of the 2012 Elections (1): Women

It’s been a  scary election for women given how they have been depicted nad lambasted in the media. One article in many ways sums things up for me:

Do Hormones Drive Women’s Votes ?

This was an article publish by CNN that was eventually taken down because:

A post previously published in this space regarding a study about how hormones may influence voting choices has been removed. After further review it was determined that some elements of the story did not meet the editorial standards of CNN. We thank you for your comments and feedback.

What the title alone implies is that women do not have the mental fortitude or logical capacity to decide who to vote for because of hormones.  There were many other similar comments : The Poor don’t think about voting they just vote for whomeever will continue supporting welfare and the system that allows them to leach off of hard working Americans, African Americans vote for Obama because he is black etc.

A lot of peculiar actions come from the mindset of a person that thinks that women cannot function normally  because of hormones :

1. GOP Senators Unanimously shoot down an equal pay bill  - This week, Senate Republicans voted to block Democratic legislation designed to reduce the persistent pay gap between genders in the workplace. The bill would boost protections for women filing gender-discrimination lawsuits, and put the onus on employers to prove that wage disparities between men and women (who typically earn just 77 cents for every dollar a man earns) are not gender-related.
2. Mitt Romney‘s Binders Full of Women: “And I—and I went to my staff, and I said, ‘How come all the people for these jobs are—are all men.’ They said: ‘Well, these are the people that have the qualifications.’ And I said: ‘Well, gosh, can’t we—can’t we find some—some women that are also qualified?’ And—and so we—we took a concerted effort to go out and find women who had backgrounds that could be qualified to become members of our cabinet. I went to a number of women’s groups and said: ‘Can you help us find folks,’ and they brought us whole binders full of women.”
3. Richard Mourdock - ”The only exception I have to have an abortion is in the case of the life of the mother,” said Mourdock.  ”I struggled with it myself for a long time, but I came to realize life is that gift from God. I think that even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen.” Romney never really withdrew his support for this guy rather he issued a statement: ”Gov. Romney disagrees with Richard Mourdock’s comments, and they do not reflect his views,”
4. Who can forget when Republican U.S. Senate nominee Tom Smith likened rape to having a child out-of-wedlock
5.  Idaho Republican state Sen. Chuck Winder who back in March suggested some women might not understand when they’ve been raped and then falsely use a claim of rape as an excuse to get an abortion.
6. [In the case of women getting pregnant after a rape] “From what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare,” Akin said. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something, I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be of the rapist, and not attacking the child.”

Back in April I wrote about this issue in a satirical article entitled: The Commoditization of the Female Pleasure Pit, The War on Women, & the hairy Box my Watch Came in (1)  I listed the following:

• Republicans not only want to reduce women’s access to abortion care, they’re actually trying to redefine rape. After a major backlash, they promised to stop. But they haven’t yet. Shocker.
• A state legislator in Georgia wants to change the legal term for victims of rape, stalking, and domestic violence to “accuser.” But victims of other less gendered crimes, like burglary, would remain “victims.”
• In South Dakota, Republicans proposed a bill that couldmake it legal to murder a doctor who provides abortion care.
• Republicans want to cut nearly a billion dollars of food and other aid to low-income pregnant women, mothers, babies, and kids.
• In Congress, Republicans have a bill that would let hospitals allow a woman to die rather than perform an abortion necessary to save her life.
• Maryland Republicans ended all county money for a low-income kids’ preschool program. Why? No need, they said.Women should really be home with the kids, not out working.
• And at the federal level, Republicans want to cut that same program, Head Start, by $1 billion. That means over 200,000 kids could lose their spots in preschool.
• Two-thirds of the elderly poor are women, and Republicans are taking aim at them too. A spending bill wouldcut funding for employment services, meals, and housing for senior citizens.
• Congress just voted for a Republican amendment to cut all federal funding from Planned Parenthood health centers, one of the most trusted providers of basic health care and family planning in our country.
•  And if that wasn’t enough, Republicans are pushing to eliminate all funds for the only federal family planning program. (For humans. But Republican Dan Burton has a bill to provide contraception for wild horses.)

That to sounds like an entrenched war against women that I personally don’t understand. I am voting this year for the first time. Voting for me this year is like picking between a worst case scenario and an eh scenario. I feel with Obama in office things will be better than if Romney is in office but I am not in love with either candidate. The Drone strikes are heart breaking, the invasion of our privacy by government is deplorable and  I can go on. But Mitt Romney is a scary dude. He is like this stripper I know who tells you everything you want to hear so she can make the money. I cannot say clearly what it is he stands for. I agree all politicians lie but he takes it to a whole new level.

I’m still surprised that women vote for him, it doesn’t make sense ? maybe I am hormonal and I jsut cant understand it (sarcasm)

side Note: 

“What actually happened was that in 2002 — prior to the election, not even knowing yet whether it would be a Republican or Democratic administration — a bipartisan group of women in Massachusetts formed MassGAP to address the problem of few women in senior leadership positions in state government. There were more than 40 organizations involved with the Massachusetts Women’s Political Caucus (also bipartisan) as the lead sponsor. They did the research and put together the binder full of women qualified for all the different cabinet positions, agency heads, and authorities and commissions. They presented this binder to Governor Romney when he was elected.”

A Childishly Inappropriate bar conversation I had with my HighSchool Friends Recently – You’ve been warned

MrMary: So you wanna bar hop or you wanna stay in this shit hole and drown the sorrow away
AKA MrToughGuy: yeah let’s stay here a bit, see what’s popping -
MrMary: Hopefully all the [College Name I can't say] kids go away – and do whatever it is that they do
AKA MrToughGuy: Like whaddya Mean… committ suicide
MrMary: I was think wicca and sodomy but it  all sort of goes together
AKA MrToughGuy:  A – O man, You creative fuck

(Bigtyme Bobby G comes down and sits with us – he is a fellow  highschool classmate that’s now a lawyer]

AKA MrToughGuy: BigTyme Bobby G Wassup
MrMary:  Sup Playboy
BigTyme:  Hey guys finally got off for work, it’s not too far from here
MrMary: lemme get you a blue moon – you like that or do you wanna Stella – or some homosexual drink like cider
BigTyme: Fuck you, I love Cider, but Ill go with a Jack and Coke
Mrmary: Jack and Coke how much of your soul did you sell at the law office
Tough Guy: [ de Niro Impression]  a lil bit a lil bit…… You know, we always called each other good fellas. Like I tellz ya You’re gonna like this guy. He’s all right. He’s a good fella. He’s one of us.: You understand? We were good fellas. Wiseguys.

[ Mrmary and his friends do not in any way condone discrimination on any basis including that of sexual orientation- We are all rather immature and call each other names  to express our brotherly affection for one another, because we werent hugged enough by our parents]

(We get a few drinks)

So BigTyme Whats new – Heard you’re banging broads ten ata time for a dime, like they used to during the War
BigTyme: MrMary’s Real Name – as your lawyer I would advise you to lower your voice as the bitches here might take offense
MrToughGuy – True listen to ya lawyer you neva know, but the girls here are crazy, doped up a lil bit or at least that what I heard
MrMary – Im willing to make a bet with youze guys

Brooklyn – hahya Fuggin Do-wyn ?

( youze-  we are all from brooklyn and exagerrate our accents to fuck around)

BigTyme – What’s the bet
MrMary: I bet the lady that serving our drinkings is a vegetarian
ToughGuy: You Fucking Kidding me?
Mrmary: Ask her playboy, see what she says

(A few minutes pass , waitress comes )

Waitress: Are you guys going for another round
MrMary: of drinks ?
Waitress: uhm of Course what did you think
MrMary: I had a swimming accident sorry ( kicks ToughGuy ever so gentle under the table to make him ask)
Waitress: oh I’m sorry to hear that…what happened
MrMary:  I was swimming laps at the pool and some portly fellow dove landed on me and I …
ToughGuy: [Interrupting] We will all take another one of these and he will have another jack and Coke – and it’s on his tab, the swimming accident dude
Waitress: (giggles) … ok sure
ToughGuy: He seems to think your  vegetarian
MrMary: or Vegan
Waitress: Wow how did you know, I’m a vegetarian
MrMary: I’d love to tell you but I can’t give it away, It would be like asking The Colonel for the special recipe, or asking Lindsay Lohan for her secret septum plugging formula
Waitress: He’s one of a kind isn’t he
BigTyme: Don’t humor him – He will like it and probably take it too far… I’m saying this as his lawyer
MrMary: He wears a suit to such a classy place like this, he definitely must be trusted
Waitress: (giggles).. I will be back with your drinks guys

MrMary: You each got to get me a drink
BigTyme: How did you guess ?
ToughGuy: You know dis broad from elsewhere (yes people still use the word broad)
MrMary: It’s all elementary my dear friends … I saw her take down a double shot of something with that crowd of girls that came in, they’re right there still the Hello Kitty Convention that came in
BigTyme: Hello Kitty Convention?
MrMary: yeah the [insert euphemism for female genitalia] is all flashy with presentation but useless after you get past that
ToughGuy to BigTyme: He’s been like this all fucking night… I dunno man he was using the word squat-fuck like it was going outta style
BigTyme: As your lawyer I can’t see how this is gonna help you’re image

MrMary: Do you pricks wanna know or not … yeah ? …. good…  I believe that the thread of irony is a major constitutent to the tapestry that is human existence
ToughGuy: Holy shit we got fucking billy Shakespeare at our table
BigTyme: Ah yes the bard, welcome
Mrmary: (sings)

By Gis and by St Charity alack and fie for shame
Young men will do it if they come to it
by Cock they are to Blame

Opehlia’s song …. end scene 

ToughGuy: You memorized that just because it’s the dirtiest line in Hamlet
MrMary: I like putting out the educated, raunchy, and sexually uninhibited by Christian values vibe…  plus in middle English Gis was a contracted or shortened form for Jesus and Cock was a reference to God . Shakespeare was really dirty. The Word Nothing in Middle English was a reference to a female’s sexual organ hence the sexual subtext of Much Ado about Nothing.
BigTyme: I see why you drink alone ….  anyways….. about the waitress cmon stay focused
MrMary: Oh yeah I felt that the most ironic thing a female vegan/vegetarian could do would be to like a good piece of meat, but since she can’t completely suppress the need for  ingesting meat well  she would find a substitute for it …. and from the way she took down the double shot without coughing or choking like the some of the girls in the convention did …well gentleman….. I rest my case

[general chuckling....]

Look at Pamela Anderson. She is was a vegetarian but yet still video taped that homage to meat-sampling. In all honesty I took a gamble worse came to worse She would say: “I like a good piece of meat” and I would have had a some material I could use for that

BigTyme: We’re your only friends aren’t we ?
MrMary: Pretty much, why dont you come sit on my lap Sexy and give me one of those friendly hugs your known for in the law office [blows a kiss to BigTyme]
ToughGuy: Ahh you havent changed at all which is refreshing and scary.

MrMary: Consistency counts anyways let’s  go somewhere else after this, its getting to crowded ….

 

Other MrMary Inappropriate Conversations

Unfortunately these conversations are all pretty much real if you go through them you will see the same bullshit over and over again

Annoying My Friends, Non-Licensed Relationship advice, and a map of Hawaii
My Strange Relationship with Profanity
Cyndi Lauper & the Best argument I’ve ever got into
The Meat Handler, The Joke only Men Get, and Giving you insight into Relationships free (1) of Charge.
James Joyce, Samuel Beckett, & an Offensive Convo with an Old Classmate
An off, toned down convo with another friend and I 
Skinny Women, Evolution, and Lane Bryant
Sharing Personal Stories , Harmonica Playing, and unfair Joking around