Bitterly Pressed: 7 Bullshit Ways Exercise Can Prevent Infidelity

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Disclaimer:  When I started this bitterly pressed series it was to poke fun at WordPress‘ Freshly Pressed. At the time anyone who baked anything that looked edible or too high resolution pictures  of insects or nature scenes got freshly Pressed. Now things are different and I have no gripe with WordPress. So I decided to use the bitter Pressed Series to vent my quotidian vitriol. The commentary is dark, as is the humour and my skin colour. There will be a lot of offensive things said but all in good fun. If you are not down with that check out another one of my posts

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I came across an article that egregiously insulted my intelligence. I had to write a post refuting this article with a noxious spew of acrid verbal ejaculations. The article is entitled:

7 Ways Exercise Can Prevent Infidelity

Exercise cannot prevent infidelity any more than regular stretching can prevent pain from anal. This article ignores some basic facts about human beings. Once we’re in a long term relationship we spend what’s left of our free time trying to entertain ourselves by looking for new stimuli. There are 200 channels on cable/direct TV, hundreds if not thousands of apps for your SMART phone or  favourite electronic device. There are hundreds of cocktails you can drown your sorry existence in. We seek variety, we crave it, we pine for it, the need for variety and novelty is embedded in our history as a species and yet we fool ourselves into thinking that one person will satisfy us when one “anything” has never done so before.

The Truth About Infidelity

Infidelity occurs because you cannot and will never be able to consistently satisfy your partner as completely as they want to be satisfied. Infidelity starts as a psychological condition that eventually manifests physically. By the time we have observed infidelity in action the psychological condition has metastasised . Don’t believe me ?

For the Ladies

Ladies you are happy, house is clean,there’s money in both  bank accounts and you are 455 closer to that asinine excuse of a vacation in the islands. Then while in your reverie, your man comes home. He was never much of a talker but he is extra silent. He greets you as he normally would but there is no warmth in it, there is no sign of life behind his eyes. Right before you launch into an excessively long conversation he lets out a heavy sigh. You pause, and hold off telling him the 5 things he needs to change about himself and his world view to give your syphilitic life meaning. You know something is off but he wont tell you.

I’ll tell you. He is at a stage in his life where he remembers what it was like to be an independent being. To have thoughts not interrupted by your incessant demands for entertainment and comfort. He is slowly the more and more he is with you, losing what sense  of what it means to be an individual. There is nothing you can do to fix this and actually the more you do, the more you hasten the eventual conclusion of this behaviour. He will resort to going through the motions of his life and the best part of him will be saved for a internal fantasy that you are not part of. It just so happens that the younger women at his job, or down the hall or at the bar will subconsciously pick up on these vibes and  knows that if she makes him feel for a minute like a man, if she give him just a little taste of freedom he will  go balls deep into that with the fury of a seasoned prisoner in the shower when the new inmates arrive.

For the Guys

Guys – have you noticed your lady just doing some repetitive task quietly? She has this lost and forlorn  look in her eyes. She is off in space.  See she wants a family in the future, but the world is so large, there are so many things to see. How does one balance the need for novelty for exploration with the need for the expression of a deep seated maternal instinct? Your immaturity and having the emotional intelligence of wet toilet paper doesn’t help. yeah You hang with friend and still make time for her but at night when you tune out with the TV and leave the dishes undone and through your silence, reduce her to a domestic task master, you have effectively silenced her self expression in all the settings you share.  Neither of you has matured and your respective baggage become the the barbed wire barrier to any sort of deeper connection. Then some guy gives her attention. He sees her as a person. He can sense that she doesn’t need the maxi-pads with wings because there are so many cob-web down there. The walls of Jericho and Troy eventually fell, it’s only a matter of time before someone lights a torches and cleans up the webs  and starts a mining operation.

The Reality

The post industrials age has reduced us to mere consumers, goaded forward by the rewards of our most basal drives.We cannot connect well with ourselves and with others. All our relationships are saturated with feelings of inferiority and failure before they get serious. Until  we address this issue, relationships have a slimmer and slimmer chance of being healthy and progressing past sexual indiscretion punctuated by sad attempts at civility. BOTTOM LINE:Exercise wont prevent cheating!!!!!!!!!!!!

Debunking this Bullshit Article

Less Stress

BULLSHIT Stress is unhealthy to your life in an uncountable number of ways.  When you’re stressed, your testosterone lowers, you store more body fat, and your body produces cortisol (the “anti-testosterone”) which cripples any confidence or dominance you might have in the relationship. When you work out, stress disappears, and so do all those nasty chemicals that come with it.

THE REALITY – It’s not that biochemically many things happen with cortisol production – that was a bullshit statement. Working out is a stress on the body. I’ve people who have cheated because they weren’t stressed because everything was going good and they needed excitement

Looking Better

BULLSHIT There are plenty of excuses when a partner cheats and one of the most common ones is: “He let himself go and doesn’t work out,” or “She gained 50 pounds after we got married.” It’s your responsibility to stay sexy for the life of your relationship and luckily exercise is a very controllable way to do this.

THE REALITY – Just because you look better doesn’t mean your spouse will say yes! Your spouse whether male or female is petty and wants to hold a grudge and make you pay for every past transgression.  If and when sex happens it will be as bland and meaningless as your childhood.

Higher Testosterone

BULLSHIT: If you’re working out regularly, you will have very healthy testosterone levels.  As you can guess, adding these hormones to your body makes you more confident, tougher, and a hell of a lot better in the sack.  If you are giving your mate the ride of her life, then there’s little incentive for her to look elsewhere.

REALITY: The reality of this will be that, if  you are a guy with all that extra testosterone you will be beating your dick like it owes you money in the shower, or if your a woman your box will resemble the Toy R Us warehouse given how filled and stacked with toys it’s going to be. You fundamentally like your spouse but in a  weird way you’re tired of their shit and have no one knows what you like best then your imagination because face it, you stopped being a human being after highschool graduation when you entered willingly into the college slave ship  to be shaped nad moulded in a sexless, thoughtless drone.

Feeling Better

BULLSHIT: If you’re working out regularly, your body is shooting with endorphins which make you more cheerful and better to be around. Having a powerful vibrancy will make your partner feel very magnetically connected to you and make him or her want to feel some of that energy you’re giving off.

THE REALITY: you didn’t even like those stupid magnetic toys and things you put on your fridge as a child save all that magnetic bullshit for the empty-headed patrons of your local incense, cool rocks/crystals that will  to change your energy type-stores. If you’re an asshole being cheery or feeling better won’t make you less of an asshole. Here’s a fucking idea, that money you spend on a gym membership use it instead to abuse hallucinogenic plants which have known side  affects of  calmness , peacefulness, apathy.  Same shit. You’re using the working out as a tool to feel better, not as a tool to understand how you feel what you feel. You’re using it superficially  so you will get superficial not-lasting results just like bleaching your asshole (its only good for 2 hours then you take your first shit..)

You Fight Less w/Your Partner

BULLSHIT: Some fighting is always going to happen when you’re in a relationship, but a lot of this gets taken care of simply by taking a romp on the treadmill or doing your free-weights routine.

This picture is unreal as this bullshit that fighting less will prevent you from cheating, old people only fuck in a slow an ugly fashion, there is no happiness in senility

THE REALITY: First off arguments just don’t happen during the times when the gym is open and empty for you to come in, sweat all over and effectively abuse the equipment. Working out will  maybe help get some tension out for you but what about that narcissistic troll you live with. Chances are they will want to stew in the emotion and dwell on it while your in the gym  so they can unleash unknowable amounts of vitriol on you. You see what happens, your spouse can’t yell back at their supervisor or boss, they cannot yell at their parents for ruining their life, or their ex-boyfriends who tea-bagged them/fucked them over some how and never called the next day.

You on the other hand because you “love” this people have become a toilet for all their shit. While they went and spew all their noxious shit at you you contemplate leaving but you wont because your a pussy, your comfortable and will only have to  get with someone else to have the same shit happen.

What about make up sex you say?

One physically nice moment between two horrors. Its like that 5 minute stretch you get to give your legs between bouts of gut wrenching diarrhoea, yeah it feels good but so what.

You’re Less Available

BULLSHIT: The fact is that when you’re at the gym… you’re not at home and you’re not on dates with your significant other.

THE REALITY: You’re now physically unavailable but you have been emotional psychologically and mentally checked out for awhile now

The Jealousy Card

BULLSHIT: A little jealousy can be a powerful part of maintaining a romantic relationship.  The truth is that when you say you’re going to the gym, your partner will know you’re around a lot of hard-bodied members of the opposite sex and that your eyes will probably be wandering.

REALITY: When your spouse gets jealous they will only further get insecure about themselves and a whole host of personal self-identity issues will come up creating more problems for you as they will soon close in on themselves to contemplate their own self-worth.   How does that extra meal of insecurity anxiety  that you just got served with taste like?

Other Bitterly Pressed Episodes:

1. Bitterly Pressed Fall Edition: Here’s a Hot Cup of Hate for WordPress’s Freshly Pressed
2. Bitterly Pressed: The Best that Autumn has to Offer
3. Bitterly Pressed: Notes on the Toilet After a day as a Vegan
4. Bitterly Pressed: The Market’s Loose Women Selection Has Improved Lately (Humor)
5. Bitterly Pressed: The War on Terror, Religion, and A Woman called Dick-sitter
6. Bitterly Pressed: 10 Things I Wont Do in 2012 Part 1
7. I have this shame that won’t go – A Satirical Open Letter to WordPress about Freshly Pressed

 

Related articles

• Recovering From Infidelity (conseillesrelations.wordpress.com)
• Did Jodi Arias kill Travis Alexander over “infidelity”? (psychologytoday.com)
• Infidelity/unfaithfulness, do all relationships suffer from it? by @nasaye (samkitots.wordpress.com)
• Infidelity is Abuse (ladywithatruck.wordpress.com)
• Men are more likely to cheat than women. But, as women become more financially independent, women are starting to act more like men with respect to infidelity (sparkinvestigation.wordpress.com)
• Laurie Israel: Infidelity: An Opportunity For Marital Truthfulness (huffingtonpost.com)

I cant Listen to my GF’s Ipod: MrMary Converses w/ His Non-Italian Friend akak Fat Fucking Sal

My Observations

We care a lot about how others view us and how much we adhere to what society expects of us that we don’t really spend time I feel being completely ourselves. We present a different version ourselves to every person we meet. We fear being judge so much.

My friend  has been with his gf for many years and she is a very educated women. But her selection of music is kind of not fitting to her status and education or so she thinks. I find it very endearing that even though she is a strong women and very well educated she listens to a lot of as my friend calls it: Hipster bullshit and overly romantic shit. I don’t know this started and this is none of my business but I find it humorous. Basically one can engage in sexual relation with a person,  which to me is as intimate physically as one can get but sharing songs and musical taste is too invasive a move because an image of ourselves created in another’s mind might not fit or match the image we hold ourselves too.

I saw this image on facebook and it made me think:

You know are no point are you being yourself completely. At every moment it seems your living for an image that never could satiate our deep seated need for wholeness.  I know this image is meant to be sarcastic or funny but I think it points to a deeper problem plaguing our society and that is the lack of a entrench self-identity. Just my two cents

THE CONVO (reader discretion is advised)

I have some close male friends. As is typical to males of my age who still have some hope of making something of ourselves we show our affection for each other  by insulting each other or poking fun. I present you this conversation to  hopefully open up for discussion something I have witnessed. The language is crass and vulgar and inappropriate on all levels. But this dude is my friend for many years and I couldn’t bring up and share with you an observation I have had without giving you a bit of our conversation. If You offend easily please don’t read. You can Skip straight to the observations:

MRM: Paisano whats good with ya
FFS: no mucho man
MRM: So ya fat bastard  ready to get this lunch
FFs: yeah Im ready but let’s stop by CVS first

- ah yeah? you need that shampoo
what shampoo ?
that crabs shampoo because you’re building a bridge of understanding between homosexuality and heterosexuality one cock at at time

Fuck you dude lol  ….  Eventually you are going to have to change or grow up  or  “MrMary lady’s Name” will leave yo ass

Yea for what? to date some fat bloated fuck with a better credit score that showers her in gifts of imaginary orgasms …. yeah  I’m perpetually broke but the nuts busted are real

Man you need to get out that little office you work in for some air

Yeah I like it tho …. when I jerk off at my desk its like I’m doing a mini David Carradine – starved of some of that O2  (obscene hand gesture)

< general laughter>

Man that was wrong MrMary’s Nick Name  …

yeah I know I am like the biggest David Carradine fan …. Dude  really we came all this was for some fucking Icy Hot.

Yeha man my whole back is sore

yeah your boyfriend works out …wait for it .. all in dat

Dude there is a lady with her baby

Ok first off judging from my own mishaps there was prolly a lot of trying before the baby came some of it drunk  and misguided if ya get me

Ok Man I am gonna go on line

(waiting in line …….)

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You like this song ?
yeah man

how come ? It’s not your style

well I was listening to my gf’s ipod and I she has this song on it and it grew on me

Me and my lady share an ipod

I couldn’t do that… She doesn’t let me listen to her ipod

wait , so you can put your dirty self all over her privates and proceed to sweat over her like the greasy fugging bastard you are  and do all that shit but cant listen to her ipod.

uhm.., yeah

Wow how far we have fallen, I’m guess that any day now you’ll really have a chat with her and she will tell you she is asexual and you’ll tell her you like throat tickling but in a way she cannot provide

Seriously dude,  We’re in line

My Fault………..

Beyond the Hem & into the Johns W/ Becca from 25tofly

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Eugene Ionesco said it best, ” A work of art is above all an adventure of the mind.” The callipygian Becca (or so I’m guessing, actually I’d wager $20 on it) and MrMary have teamed up to take you on an atypical adventure. On this adventure you will be traveling through a wondrous landscape only bounded by the imagination and the limitless fecundity of sybaritic banter. Here Becca and I journey into the realm of the unknown by way of winter-inspired undergarments

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Nice to meet you, Welcome to my office. Please make yourself at home. Do you prefer Rebecca or Becca or Becky ?

I haven’t met too many people who have made an office out of a renovated port-o-potty, but I like what you’ve done with the place. Call me Becca please. A cashier at Raising Canes once mistook my name as Becky as she beckoned me over the loud speaker to pick up my food at the counter. I have been scarred ever since. Oh, and don’t even think of thinking about calling me Reba either.

You’re quite sassy aren’t you? This was the older part of this building the rooms are narrower … ok ..So according to our phone conversation, you have this fixation with long-john the under garment is that right? Not the seafood based fast food chain ?  Could you tell me about that ?

 Let me put it to you this way, I’d rather have people call me Becky for the rest of my life than eat anything from Long John Silver’s. So yes, I was certainly referring to the underwear that keeps on giving. Particularly the ones of waffle fabric patterns (also known as box-weave). I’m an expert of sorts.

We can back to your hating on Long John’s Silver later… So far I am feeling a lot of strong emotion come from you, the scarring for life, the port-o-potty… I would imagine your long-john fixation might be a very multi layered story As you know my specialty is in fixations the last girl I had on the couch .. that sounds wrong,… but anyways She had a slight fixation with hair pulling but unlike you it didn’t manifest itself in her creative use for thermal undergarments?

She is missing out. Maybe had she done so, she would have been less tempted to compulsively pull out her leg hair. I know it saved me from going bald.

As her therapist the most I can say is that she was a kindergarten teacher and her long-term bf was a hand model … yeah I know right ?!?! … What are the odds Love can happen anywhere even at a finger painting expose

Or an elementary sign language convention.

Yeah I have to agree but unfortunately the Recession hit and her boyfriend could not get any more hand-jobs, it put real strain on their relationship as one would imagine so.

I can imagine how it must have been. Her feigning satisfaction as he half-heartedly fingered through job listings, all the while both knowing that there was no hope in better days to cum come. Such a shame.

Hmmm .. interesting What do you feel about double entendres. What role if any do they play in your long john fixation.? I ask because according to your message your fixation is getting in the way of your personal; relationships. What about you are you able to date and or see  anyone? Do you feel that your fixation gets in the way of lasting personal human relationships. I know that’s a lot of questions but we have time.

Yes and no. I date occasionally. Mostly men I pick up in the men’s section of Target. They think it’s my cute way of joke-flirting when I give them tips about which brands of undies are the best. They think I am extra hilarious when I brag about all the different colors of long johns I have. Then, once things start to get steamy, and they see that I really actually wear men’s underwear, all of the sudden they try to act like long johns aren’t sexy or something. What’s up with that? You would think that they make me look like I have a penis or something. Sheesh.

Hmmm I would imagine that the season plays a role in this. Long Johns are proficient and breeze blocking which is preferred in the winter time but during other season leads to disastrous olfaction. But I digress …When was your last serious relationship? If I remember correctly from the 15 min phone message a year and change ago correct? That isn’t too bad. 

I don’t want to talk about it.

You seemed to be fine talking about it on the message. This is a safe place where you can say whatever. There is no judgment here. You can feel free to talk

Who are you? One of those old school AIM chat bots that sucks at conversation? I said I don’t want to talk about it.

 Hmmm ….Maybe when you feel better about it we can talk some more about the break-up. Maybe instead of talking about it you can tell me some of the songs you listened to alone in the box-weave long john you like so much, that helped you move on as best as you could.

Really a total Plug you say

Fine. I’ll fess up. My first taste of blue box-weave Hanes of perfection was the product of a robbery. I had an ex who had several pair. They just looked so damn comfy. I would quickly become brave enough in the relationship to slip into his blue bum burners when he would forget them at my house. That lead to outright shameless hogging of the saggy-crotched pants. We had many a heated tug-of-war. They were his underwear, but I was convinced that they now belonged to me. In fact, if it weren’t for the long johns, we wouldn’t have dated for very long if at all. He was a totally plug (an adjective used to describe someone who is completely and entirely useless – courtesy of Urban Dictionary).

 Ah yes … ok a picture is starting to form…

Eventually, we broke things off after I showed up to his step brother’s wedding in them. It was kind of my master plan anyway. I tend to avoid confrontation, so that was how I got the dude to do the dirty work of dumping me instead of the other way around. I ended up getting rid of the tool disguised as a douche bag and even got to keep the underwear. But not at no expense. The stalking that followed the break up almost made me swear off long johns forever. This is getting heavy. I think I need a moment.

The sky has to cry for the crops to grow right?…. That’s what is said. I’m glad you trusted me enough in our first meeting to talk about this relationship. Something will grow from this, something fruitful of course as cliché as that sounds.  As I am your therapist I cannot hug you or initiate any physical contact So right behind you I have a Boyfriend pillow I have some question for you when you settle down that might help us get some insight into your long john fixation. We have made more progress than expected

• Do you have dreams where you chase by a banana and or lemon frosted cookie?
• Did your bf wear underwear beneath the long john, or was he just hanging meat, butcher shop style?
• Was it the long john themselves, the parts in them or the combo of parts and container together that made you want to possess them?
• What do you feel when you put on the long johns?

Stay Tuned For Part 2

This collaboration was made possible in part by Woman’s International Month,

Bitterly Pressed Valentine’s Day:

Valentine’s Day, the mass-produced, discount non-lethal mental syphilis sweeping through the mediocre expanses of Western living,  is one of the few things that people both single and in relationships detest.

Single People Valentine’s Day rancor

Of course it is easy to see why single people detest Valentine’s, sex toys and lubricants, after being thoroughly cleaned and  stored away provide no companionship. Self- loving or self-pollution as it was known back in the day is very impersonal, cold and dehumanizing, like death by drone attack. Let me give you an example:

 

On a day like any other day you feel this palpable weight in the air, there is something bothering you isn’t there? This sense of impending doom which means a lifetime of being alone crippled and maimed by the uncontrollable forces  that govern who comes into and out of your life and what destruction they leave or have left in their wake. The past takes center stage in the creation of this  negative state you are in now – frequent emotional breakdowns,  hiding indoors from people and life,  insomnia in part due to frequency of intrusive thoughts alluding to your being alone and unwanted. As if that wasn’t bad enough, there are the angry outburst and the anxieties you can’t shake.

This scenario ironically enough is an apt  description of living single in NYC and also strangely enough the life of many villagers who have had their existence eviscerated by surgically precise drone strikes. ….. And now you’re gonna add Valentine’s Day and all the BS that comes with it to this

Couples Valentine’s Day rancor

If you are in a relationship you already know that your biological needs for intimacy, physicality, and companionship are not meaningful in and of themselves. Relationships are a business now, and like all business a forced smile is part of the uniform. The legacy of the 20th century has been the excessive exploitation of power dynamic to acquire and maintain a sense of security and satiety that though may evanescence at any second is the best alternative to facing reality as it is.

It’s Bad Enough that, for many of you you blew your chances of staying with someone who truly loved with as close as it seemed to the  entirety of your being, now you have to go through the motions: visiting the in-laws, meeting with couple-friends you pretend to like only to give you a break from the solipsist focus of your daily-life with you significant other not well integrated. Let me give you an example:

You turn down meeting with you old college mate for a beer and to just hang and shoot the shit. You have somehow lost the ability to  enjoy the things that were once pleasurable. You gained weight. Actually your weight yo-yo like Oprah between extremes of logic. One the weekend your main priority is to sleep in and despite all that sleep you are racked with fatigue and still look noticeably run down.  Some how life was really promising but now you  don’t know what happened to your drive, your will to go beyond yourself …. hopelessness and late night ads on QVC are your new best friends

This scenario ironically enough is an apt  description of relationship life in NYC and also strangely enough the life of many silent sufferers of dysthymia around the civilized world. ….. And now you’re gonna add Valentine’s Day and all the BS that comes with it to this

MrMary 10 Steps to Feel Good about Yourself the Day After Valentines

1. _ Read T.S Eliot’s The Love Song of J Alfred prufrock

LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherized upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question….
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit.

FANCY QUOTE: With its weariness, regret, embarrassment, longing, emasculation, sexual frustration, sense of decay, and awareness of mortality, “Prufrock” has become one of the most recognized voices in modern literature “[the poem] presents the apparently random thoughts going through a person’s head within a certain time interval, in which the transitional links are psychological rather than logical”. This stylistic choice makes it difficult to determine exactly what is literal and what is symbolic. On the surface, “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” relays the thoughts of a sexually frustrated middle-aged man who wants to say something but is afraid to do so, and ultimately does not. The dispute, however, lies in to whom Prufrock is speaking, whether he is actually going anywhere, what he wants to say, and to what the various images refer.

2. _ Make a one time Donation/Loan to a cause on Kiva.org, because a decent percentage of  chocolate that is made and that your probably consumed was harvested under slave labor.

exploited chocolate not the kind you want

Yes that’s right there is this thing called Fair-Trade Chocolate also know as slave free Chocolate. Since you don’t have time top look into which chocolates are not-tainted by slavery or even milder forms of labor abuse so many new apps to get, emails to delete and rewash your genitals because you could really refuse your significant other  after he/she bought you some bullshit hallmark card just donate or loan $25 to a cause that will bring someone  or some village fresh water.  You get to ignore the part you’ve played in someone’s abuse or enslavement but furthering your own to electronics and the internet. Bottom-line people get helped

Mo’ chocolate

the kinda of chocolate you want to help urself to

3. _  Read about a Famous Person honored on Valentine’s Day case and point Frederick Douglass aka Freddie D

Frederick Douglass, whose birthday is honored on February 14, was born a slave in 1818, and now remembered for his eloquence, activism, and fearless championing against slavery.The exact date of his birth was unknown by Douglass, but he picked February 14 as a date to celebrate his birth. Douglass had endured many of the awful transgressions typified by slavery’s bonds. He was separated from his family and physically and psychologically abused. As a child, Douglass was taught the alphabet by Sophia Auld, his white mistress, and after being found out by the master of the household, secretly educated himself. He escaped from slavery in 1838 and settled down in Massachusetts.

However if you dont want to give negros a chance ( im speaking from historic precedences and statistics) Check out some other people born on V-Day click here

Dave

 

 

Showing that Blogger Love: The Reasons I like being a man

Yesterday I showed some blogger love to the lovely  blogger of the  So I Went Undercover blog.  I read a post of hers The Curse of Eve: Reasons I Hate Being a Woman   and it moved me. After I freshened up I decided to write a post about the reasons I hate being a man. Today the ante has been up hmmm, and I read Ms Undercover’s On The Other Hand: Reasons I Love Being a Woman.

It seems that the want to rub a little salt in my wounds was a partial inspiration for Ms Undercover’s post today. Of course since I am the kind of person who on the one hand enjoys being rubbed, and  cannot leave well enough alone with the other hand (I’m hygienic) I give you

The Reasons I like Being a Man

DISCLAIMER: This is meant to be a JOKE.  You know Ha-Ha funny kinda of joke. If You take this seriously then you just may be a joke.

Side Note: Notice how perspicacious I am, notice the range of my powers of perception. Yesterday I had the feeling that Ms. Undercover was quite the attractive woman. Her post today proves it. Don’t listen to her remarks that her sexy has gone. She’s just being humble.

Reason  # 1

A good breeze means so much more when your genitals are on the outside.

Reason # 2

As a man most facial scars  and laceration cement my status as  a bad boy, or circus performer either way i get chicks.

Reason # 3

In some way shape and form all those toys where you add a little water and watch them grow were originally inspired by you guessed it. A little wetness goes a long way

Reason #4

See reason #3 , as a man I bullshit and exaggerate a lot. It is my bread and butter but I am aware of it, and only in rare cases do I believe the fucking nonsense that I say.

Reason # 5

As a man, I am considered defective in communicating my emotions. I start out with a handicap though I don’t need it. Actually most dudes I know are fucking ignorant, degenerate, goons.  I don’t have to do much to stand above the crowd. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. The bar is set really low.

Reason #6

No one wonders if I am easy or tries to ask me vague questions to find out how easily I will give it up, and if I am easy and don’t get AIDS or some random STD I am considered cool for some reason. And as a heterosexual no one has ever said to me “Spit or swallow?”SO much less pressure.

Reason # 7 No Pretending

When a group of men and or women are telling a dirty or saucy joke and I bust into the convo, no one pretends they are really politically correct or stops the convo because I am easily offended. I don’t have to pretend I’m freshening up by turning on the water in the bathroom and dropping a deuce. I don’t have to pretend that 3 lettuce leafs and one piece of bread is a filling breakfast. I don’t have to pretend I like my co-workers and even the co-workers I hate aren’t trying to destroy me

Reason # 8 The best Reason.

As a heterosexual I get to go on dates with women. They appreciate my foot massages skills and my self-taught cooking and pastry skills. They smell nice and can do all the stuff I cannot do (self-fellating puts too much strain on the neck) like wear sexy lingerie, and laugh at my stupid jokes (well I can do that but it’s not as nice). I can write a blog full of non-sense like this blog and have primarily women readers and commenters. I can share difficult episodes of my life, and they send nice emails of encouragement and support when I share painful events where after many years I am unable to shed a tear about.

So for all my female readership this is one of my favorite James Brown songs

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• MrMary’s 2012 “Have You Been Experienced Blog Tour” || Showing Some Love for My Followers (aspoonfulofsuga.wordpress.com)
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Showing that Blogger Love: Reason I Hate Being a Man

I was inspired to write this after I read The Curse of Eve: Reasons I Hate Being a Woman. You all should check her out !!!  Her blog I mean. I’m sure she is quite fine in person.

DISCLAIMER: This is meant to be a JOKE.  You know Ha-Ha funny kinda of joke. If You take this seriously then you jsut may be a joke.

Reasons I hate Being  Man

Reason # 1

I don’t live as long as my female counterparts, I don’t know if that is a gift or blessing but I kind feel left out

Reason # 2

Turn out that I can get woken up from the libidinous clutches of sleep to investigate sounds or kill insects. There is nothing more absurd than walking investigating strange sounds half asleep with a boner. It is one of the original Commandments  Thou shall not bludgeon thy female neighbours ass  (a lot of grey area with legal interpretation concerning this commandment)

Reason # 3 Had to learn about gentleness subtlety

I didn’t naturally come knowing about subtlety or tact. For example turns out my  over development of  leg and lower back strength didn’t help out my intimate relationships especially when my lady friend had to wake up early for work the next morning. Now by default I rut like an old man:  slow and ugly.

Reason # 4   Movies

Sometimes I have to not only watch movies but pretend to be into it. It’s not my fault I am genetically predisposed to plotless stories with love, violence explosions, car chases, hot girls, and people getting beat-down.

Reason # 5 Arguments

I was born not being interested in winning arguments. So I have no compulsion to win them. Even if I had that inclination I could not. So I stay silent but my silence is always misconstrued and  misappropriated which is why dudes have arguments with other dudes over completely trivial stuff like the weather, the quickest way to get to work, i.e  meaningless stuff where there is a clear winner.

Reason # 6 Other Dudes

There are other dudes that always try to show off and exert what little power hey think they have on you by force and administration of pain, we call them the police where I am from.

Reason #7 Oprah

She tells women all kinds of crazy bullshit that some actually believe.

An Excerpt from MrMary’s Definitive Guide To Sleeping well at Night

The Lovely Ms Jen and Tonic wrote a post that I reblogged today called How-to: Suckage Revisited. In it she enumerates the 20 NEW things everyone needs to stop doing. The list is quite exhaustive and poignant however  I thought maybe I could add somethings to the list or rather take the list a totally different direction. But before I do that I would like to say a few things.

Disclaimer

I am not a famous person or some sort of moral authority. Rather I am a pragmatist in every sense of the word. These are the following things I practice in my own life that have helped me maintain some semblance of sanity in my day. Please consult with a doctor before trying any of these techniques, may not be goo to try if you have a previous heart condition or take MAoi inhibitors.

MrMary Guide To Sleeping well at Night

Everyone is expendable. No one is so important that they couldn’t be sufficiently replaced. This to me applies to all relationships, personal, romantic, familial, collegiate, work-based. It’s best to keep this in mind especially when we have to interact with people. Everyone on the basis of their being born deserve a basal amount of respect. To me in an odd way a homeless man is just as important as a rich man though they may not be so in the eyes of many people. To imagine that we are better than someone or more valuable than someone else is to forget that we are expendable. There is never any reason for meanness, life is too fucking short.

Words to me are sacred, because the human voice is infinitely fragile and delicate. More often than not silence is better than speech.  Speaking just to speak is just as bad as eating just to eat. Human beings are social animals which means to me that words and interaction are just as important a food as food itself and its a create misdeed to devalue the worth of words by empty words. There are some people whose entire day can be changed by a single smile or nice word. The more we are engaged in useless banter of any form the less we are aware of the needs of the people who cross our path.

If you are an atheist, or a Christian, or a Muslim or a Buddhist, a feminist, whatever you follow doesn’t give you the right to be an ass to someone else about their belief or to continually attack their credibility as a human being for their beliefs. That just makes you an asshole. What you believe is personal and should stay to yourself.  Large sweeping generalization that lump massive amounts of people together should be avoided in public. I think that it would be much more of a boon to society to focus on being a human being  first then try to work on the adjectives if ya get me.

No matter how much yoga you do, no matter how much you contribute to Save the Children, or open doors for people, or help old women across the street or eat whole wheat and extra fiber You will always be a bit of a hypocrite and heedless. Nothing wrong with that. Turning a blind eye to that or not apologizing when you get called out on it is fucked up.

& Finally

Get tips like this and more when you call my this number now: (347) 709-4583 and order my new book:

Everyone’s an Asshole but We can work with that

by MrMary

For the low low price of $19.99

Call now and enter this Discount Code: C.F.I and get automatically 50% my Video kit

10 Steps to Solving Your Mental Incontinence

 

MrMary’s & Stendhal’s Cures for Love Fashion Week Special Edition

As can be expected we in America, the fattest nation in the world, have a  twisted image of beauty. Like Gaia in Greek myth we breed behemoths and send them forth into the world to reek havoc on toilets and bathroom everywhere and also places where sitting down next to other people is required. Yet despite all of this we seem to idolize these anorexically thin models who are avid abusers of recreational drugs and lead very unhealthy lifestyles. Of course for some women cocaine not only increase libido but decrease gag reflexes and that’s the kind of invented fact any  normal guy would like

Gripes with Fashion

Of course I have gripes with fashion and I will list three of them below

Seeding Self Image issues

Skinny, bony models dressed  in nice clothes is a subtle advertisement for necrophilia. No one right in their mind man or woman with a store bought silicone based appendage, wants to bag a bag of bones. Also no one wants to support anorexia and bulimia and young women and girls with self image problems.

For decades way-too-thin models have been en vogue and in Vogue as our culture’s representations of beauty, but just now, for some reasons related to the Internet, we’re suddenly seeing the fashion industry respond. 

The Fashion Industry Suddenly Acknowledges Its Anorexia Problem

The Atlantic Wire  Rebecca Greenfield 7,512 Views May 4, 2012

___________________________

Buying into the Unreal

Living in NYC I have had the chance to see some famous people and models there must be teams of Photoshop experts that really go to work on the magazine and catalogue images. That’s not saying these models aren’t good looking but lets be serious. I think this is quite significant check out this out:

Same Body in all of these pics

The bodies of most of the models H&M features on its website are computer-generated and “completely virtual,” the company has admitted. H&M designs a body that can better display clothes made for humans than humans can, then “dresses” it by drawing on its clothes, and digitally pastes on the heads of real women in post-production.

Modeling and fashion is clearly not about reality. It is about sales and making you buy into not just a product but a way of seeing things as well.

_________________________

Ethics in Fashion

Please take a look at the following facts:

1. Serious concerns are often raised about exploitative working conditions in the factories that make cheap clothes for the high street.
2. Child workers, alongside exploited adults, can be subjected to violence and abuse such as forced overtime, as well as cramped and unhygienic surroundings, bad food, and very poor pay. The low cost of clothes on the high street means that less and less money goes to the people who actually make them.
3. Cotton provides much of the world’s fabric, but growing it uses 22.5% of the world’s insecticides and 10% of the world’s pesticides, chemicals which can be dangerous for the environment and harmful to the farmers who grow it. (Ethical Fashion Forum)
4. Current textile growing practices are considered unsustainable because of the damage they do to the immediate environment. For example, the Aral Sea in Central Asia has shrunk to just 15% of its former volume, largely due to the vast quantity of water required for cotton production and dying. (Ethical Fashion Forum)
5. Most textiles are treated with chemicals to soften and dye them, however these chemicals can be toxic to the environment and can be transferred to the skin of the people wearing them. Hazardous chemicals used commonly in the textile industry are: lead, nickel, chromium IV, aryl amines, phthalates and formaldehyde. (Greenpeace)
6. The low costs and disposable nature of high street fashion means that much of it is destined for incinerators or landfill sites. The UK alone throws away 1 million tonnes of clothing every year. (Waste Online)

I think it is harder and harder to sustain loving relationship when the materialistic trends in society work to in a way reduce people to sources of revenue without regards to their well being and the well being of the environment.  I could say more but i think thats good

MrMary

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• MrMary’s & Stendhal’s Cures for Love Violence to One’s Feelings
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• fashion: bad at doing it, good at loving it – part one

MrMary’s & Stendhal’s Cures for Love Violence to One’s Feelings

 

I start where I should always start with Stendhal. He was a real expert when it came to observing people, and I have learned a lot from his observations.

The more desperately a man is in love  the greater the violence he must do to his own feelings in daring to risk offending the women he loves by taking her hand.

~ Stendhal

Violence to One’s Feelings

Everyone knows that aside from one’s mother no one else will accept them for how they are. Consequently we all try to trick someone into liking us by “lying about ourselves”. For example guys I’m sure you had to go outside and double check you were in the right housethe first time you saw your girlfriend without make up. What the fuck is that? It would seems now you have no qualms with bringing fucking Gollum home. (It’s an apt analogy: your obssession with one ring that will bind a man forever to your evil bidding etc). Ladies I’m sure you keep that box of Kleenex on the nightstand because nice guys don’t always finish last as they promised they would on the car ride home. Quite often they finish first in an eye-stinging way that elicits unusually nice behavior for a good 2 weeks.

Generally as a modern-day dude and professional box filler, I have observed that most guys fall in love after the test-drive. Well to be honest, after the refractory period right after the test drive where women are watched to see how crazy they may or may not get. [HINT: Ladies if within the first 72 hours you talk about him meeting your boring ass friends, who are in some way socially or romantically defective, your biological clock, an ex-boyfriend, that time you got gang-banged in the bathroom of Pizzeria Uno's and never knew if you would feel love again - it's a wrap] The way a lady handles during the test drive and how she is post test-drive is what determines how low you, as a dude, will let your guard down. So ladies write it down, “up first and then in, then down for the win”. The problem is that in letting your guard down, you start to expose yourself to the othe person as you are. That’s fucking scary if your a dude.

Why is it Scary

Plain and simple we don’t like ourselves, and I don’t mean that negatively. To like something one has to know it deeply and we cannot always see ourselves except through our contact and association with others. To know one’s self is a journey into ourselves. It’s not a popular thing to do. There is a reason after all why Shakespeare’s Hamlet starts out with the penultimate philosophical question: “Who’s there?”

Ladies if you really liked yourself as you are would you

1. Dye your hair
2. Make your cheeks redder
3. Inject botulism toxin into your face – [RANT: So let me get this straight you will inject a bacterial toxin into your face to give the temporary illusion that there is a vivaciousness to that worn cracked baseball glove you call a face but if a guy finishes on it, its an offense  really ? Should I tell you what is in the make up and cosmetics you use?]
4. Wear push up bra’s,
5. Starve yourselves to fit in a dress that you will wear once and then let die in the back of your closet and eventually haunt you like bill collectors do black people…..
6. Still drink Bud Light to look cool when you know deep down inside you just want an excuse to act out ?
7. Hang out with approximation 1-2 girls less attractive than you at the party (didn’t think I knew about that shit)
8. Be so catty to the new lady in the office who looks better than you and is actually approachable and not a gigantic bitch to everyone ?
9. Date guys who are clearly violent, or not well in the head, or emotionally immature?
10. Would you shop at Century 21 – I’ve been in that place with its siren song and smiling fucking harpies.

I am not discounting the fact that society puts a lot of pressure on you to fit this strange ideal of beauty. I am not disputing the fact that you have to dress a certain way to get taken seriously in the work place. There are gender based demands made on you that is ridiculous.

But next time you are about to go to a party and you are holed up in the bathroom with your blow dryer, a curling iron just in fucking case you don’t like your hair straight and might want to add some fucking curls to it provided that 1, its not to humid outside and 2 you can find that fucking bottle that guarantees frizz control in Hurricane level winds, 2 bags one for make up one for cans of bullshit for your hair, not to mention lotions, skin scrubs, face cream, eye cream, foundation, cotton pads, make up remover,  nail polish, nail polish remover and an assortment of brushes Picasso would envy, ask yourself what different are you from a sculptor? How different are you from the Photoshop crew called into to work on magazine covers for skinny anorexic models, Sarah Jessica Parker  or Glenn Close or  Madaonna – who doesn’t know when to stop? Then if you wanna go further you may realize that you’ve become a part of the very system you detest, a co-oppressor of other women (including yourself). You may get  a weird feeling in your stomach if you think about it and that is the emptiness at the basis of existence. Enjoy that and either let someone in the fucking bathroom from time to time or don’t get offended if someone pees in the fuggin sink.

Dudes if you really liked yourself that much would you:

1. Jerk off that frequently,… you need to let the eroded skin grow back, otherwise it burns in the shower
2. Put up with your bullshit friends who make you feel better because their lives are a lot shittier than yours
3. Work out only abs & biceps so you can look good in the old Navy Tshirts you bought 3 sizes too small
4. Live in such a vermin infested festering cessepool that is your room/apartment/ parents basement pretend-space?
5. Get those stupid tribal tattoos  ironically around your fucking biceps that you’ve been working out so much.
6. Ignore your lady just in the other room waiting for you to ask her about her day so she can talk you into a fucking coma by playing video games.
7. Wear a T-shirt multiple times and walk around smelling like a fucking gyro stand at a summer fair
8. Wear a T-shirt multiple times and dump half a can of Axe Body spray on you effectively killing all plant life and human olfaction as you and that cloud of ignorance walk about your day.
9. Would you try to assert your masculinity by making fun of gay people when you know that when your lady slips a finger in…eh I’m not gonna go there
10. You have only your career boots or sneakers that you’ve carried for the last 9 years as the only footwear in your closet ?

Conclusions

Generally dudes have a weakness and that is regularity in need fulfilment. If I meet a girl that is not demanding, won’t stress me out too much, actually consistently puts out and not only on the days of obligation (Bday, Local team win a championship, Christmas eve, Christmas, New Years Eve and New Years) then something keeps me coming back. Once you come back regularly you’re hooked. Once your hooked you have to keep on living the lie that you like fucking ballet or Experimental dance, that you really shave often, you don’t smell like shit,  that you don’t mind listening to Tori Amos/Paula Cole/ in the car on long drive that extirpate your will to live, that it is ok to take food out of my fucking plate when I ordered something small so that you can get whatever you fucking want on the menu. Of course once you stop living lie that you hear things like

• I don’t even know you any more?  ( I could say the same thing when you take/peel off the clown mask you painted over that pale  discolored crater ridden thing you call a face right before you hop into bed)
• You’re Not really taking this relationship seriously? (I show up consistently, I don’t even do that for work or when it comes to visiting my own  parents)
• Your just saying that to placate me? ( No I just heard that story of that crazy bitch at work who is trying to get you fired and  take away from you everything you have ever loved in life that fucking my little princess shit you got as a gift when you were 7. Try that on for placating you)
• So you really don’t like my best friend Nancy [ btw fuck that bitch Nancy, I'd tell her to go eat a dick but she can't get a man]

See what I did there. I put in black what some ex gf have told me and I put in parenthesis what I wanted to say but didn’t. I basically cock blocked my freedom of expression, because they (some of my ex-gf’s) managed to hold off their crazy till after 72 hours post boning out,  had comfortable furniture, brought me soup when I was sick, cleaned me up and escorted me outside looking presentable, shiny well groomed.

Now unless you do some egregiously wrong shit I’m stuck living this lie to fucking please you so I can continue to get my needs met, and somewhere in this crazy exchange love enters  and I’m finished, I have to bite my tongue I have to hang with your family, I have to watch Project Runway with you and pretend I know wtf chiffon is ? – it’s a violently painful thing to do. No matter how much I try to resist  I end locked up each time.

From my experience I kind of feel that  a good woman  sort of of civilizes a dude. You are transformed from a wild semi solitary animal into the pride of the Westminster Dog show, you get  food, warmth some comfort, but you have to look a certain way, you have to jump through hoops and play dead when  all those wild impulses come your way or your hear your friends howling at the moon. But despite that there is a love there even after all my sarcasm and snarky comments. James Brown said it best.

This is a man’s world
But it wouldn’t be nothing, nothing without a woman or a girl

He’s lost in the wilderness
He’s lost in bitterness

According to some algorithm the style of writing this post is most similar to is that of :

I write like
H. P. Lovecraft

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

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MrMary’s & Stendhal’s Cures for Love: Men and Intimacy

Disclaimer: The views express here are not necessarily those ascribed to by me MrMaryMuthaFuckingPoppin, or the author of this blog, it’s readers and followers. Rather this is a sarcastic take on modern day relationships. We here at aspoonfulofsuga believe in equal rights for everyone regardless or race color creed gender or music choice and we are proud supporters of love in whatever form or disease it happens to take. MrMary Cares
____________________________________________

 

MrMary’s & Stendhal‘s Cures for Love

Men and Intimacy

MrMary being an expert on all affairs of the heart is bringing you some reflection on love that are guaranteed to change the way you look at and experience loving relationships forever. I’m an expert in many things. When it comes to all things about masculinity and being a dude and breaking that down into a language women can understand. In many ways Stendhal was the same for his time. With that said, let me hit you with some knowledge that I am about to bring current for our times:

Most of the men of the world, from vanity, from mistrust, from fear of disillusionment, refrain from falling in love with a woman until after intimacy.

~ Stendhal

The Reality

Falling in love has nothing to do with love. We have a primal craving to be truly known by someone before we die. We need and want to build deeply committed relationship based on honesty, trust, self-disclosure, respect, appreciation, interdependence, and togetherness whatever that means. Falling in love is really about self-recognition, recognizing yourself in another. What love really is, is to me beyond self-recognition beyond the sense

Love is not condescension, never that,

nor books, nor any marking on paper,

nor what people say of each other.

Love is a tree

with branches reaching into eternity

and roots set deep in eternity,

and no trunk.

 

Have you seen it? The mind cannot.

Your desiring cannot.

Gender Differences

Coming down from the lofty etheric realms of the esoteric to now the current moment; nowadays the idea is that genitals don’t define gender.  Gender is today considered to be a complex aspect of self identity influenced by both by one’s biology as well as  socio-cultural influences. There are many differences gender wise in this moment of self-recognition that we call “falling in love” just like there are many difference gender-wise with urination (well unless I have been drinking heavily and have to sit down to compensate for bad aim).

Stendhal never went to the car dealership to buy a car, or spent all day at a mall with some girl he liked but not that much, but I have done both and I can explain this behavior Stendhal talks about quite easily. I’m with this chic at the mall. She is cute and nice and its really nice  to spend some time together. She walks by a store sees an pair of shoes and says, actually let me recreate the scene

Cute Chic Id Stuff if she ever Stopped talking: I’ve got to have them, they look so cute… I have the perfect dress for this…omg..you know the one with the white belt ?
MrMary: Which one ? … the Skinny white Belt, The Wide White Belt, the medium white belt ?
Cute CHic: No the one I wore the other day with that grey top and the skinny jeans
MrMary: Oh yeah…. sorta
CuteChic: Sorta why ?

MrMary: I remember all the dirty stuff I was thinking about when you were wearing that, but don’t worry walking around the mall in circles, and seeing the same gang of fucktards has killed all libido.

                               Cut to the Chase

She bought the shoes and never wore them. They decorate the floor of her vast walk in closet.

My boy wanted to buy a car. We sa a car we both liked, it passed all the criteria we had on our check list. We grilled the dealer, is this very fuel efficient, how many miles to the gallon in the city, on the highway? what about the suspension?  handling? What kind of maintenance is optimal for this car? The defects that were found in the model 2 years earlier have they been rectified ? While my friend asked him questions I just looked the car dealer in the eye with a blank expressionless face and from time to time I said ‘hmmm’ and looked at my friend and he would raise an eyebrow. Total Intimidation. Anyways we test drove it.

See the Difference

As a man I cannot see a girl I like and say are you fucking crazy? will you every stop talking, when you talk how many words per minute in the city, how many words per minute on the highway ?  Are you over that mutha-fucka you dated 2 years ago? Do you fuck slow and ugly an old person ? The emotional defects that made u take a break from dating are u over dat shit ? How does the back of your throat feel like, do you sound sexy when you talk with your mouth full ? Can you go with the flow,  I gonna have to make all the fucking decisions as to where to eat what to fucking do on my one day off? Since I cannot just outright say that, the best bet is to is to reserve judgement and accessment until aft

Supplementary Facts to Keep in Mind

Also it is important to realize that:

1. If you are not a movie star or someone famous the odds for  women are asking you out, offering to open doors for you, or help you with groceries, or tell you you have a nice ass as you run your errands are very slim.
2. It is also important to realize that as far as I can remember no one takes it seriously when a man charges a women for rape.
3. Before you get intimate with a women you will always have to jump through some hoops, you will have to listen to her, might have to meet her bullshit friends, might even have to meet some of those degenerates she calls family. It is an investment of both time and money you don’t have, especially in a recession.
4. Although  times are different, and women can vote and they have rights and the feminist movement have made some gains I have not seen many women who will go dutch and or don’t like when a man pays for stuff

How you can use this in your Relationship ….

In every relationship there is one  who takes it and one who gives it. There is a cost one has to pay for the recipient for the aforementioned giving.  In my case I have noticed that most women I have met except for a few skanks, are really invested emotionally when it comes to intimacy/physicality. There is an act of submission  on both parts physically in the act of rod-ramming, emotionally to submit to the moment to the passions, for the dude if he isn’t a scumbag to the wants and needs of the lady, to feel wanted, desired and cared for, to be accepted flaws and all and  can go on and on but here is how to use this in your relationship.

Women

I think it is important to accept that dudes aren’t as emotionally invested as you when it comes to sex. They are more invested in terms of time and money first. The time and money investiture seed the ground for later emotional investiture. Its that simple.  It like farming you got to put the work in first then, after you have rally plowed the fields real well, and you reap a harvest then you can get emotionally invested and celebrate. Don’t try to understand why things are the way they are  just accept it and if you want to play the fucking game.

Men

Uhm no need to be a dick about stuff. Generally being straight up and honest at first means less clean up, changing phone numbers and alerting security  guards about your ex-gf. Remember a test-drive is just that, there are some cars that wont do well being test-driven and do everyone a fucking favor and move on to another car or dealership.

And there it is my friends

I know your impressed, stick around for more pearls of wisdom and like this series, to ensure more exclusive content for  MrMary’s and Stendhal’s Cures for Love Series

MrMary’s & Stendhal’s Cures for Love

Disclaimer: The views express here are not necessarily those ascribed to by me MrMaryMuthaFuckingPoppin, or the author of this blog, it’s readers and followers. Rather this is a sarcastic take on modern day relationships. We here at aspoonfulofsuga believe in equal rights for everyone regardless or race color creed gender or music choice and we are proud supporters of love in whatever form or disease it happens to take. MrMary Cares
__________________________________________________

 

Stendhal believed love comes in different forms, from passion and lust to vanity, the love of possessive desire. In this collection he muses on falling in love, how to cope with jealousy and whether infatuation can ever be overcome – and provides a selection of maxims giving advice for lovers.

MrMary being an expert on all affairs of the heart is bringing you some reflection on love that are guaranteed to change the way you look at and experience loving relationships forever. Why MrMary, do you ask , will my approach to relationships will be changed forever? Well  I would say that what we called love, is not really love, rather what we call love is a power struggle, or rather as one poet put it so eloquently:

Different degrees of domination and servitude
are what you know as love.

But love is different
it arrives complete -
just there -
like the moon at the window.

Seek only that of which you have no clue.
Desire only that of which you have no hope.

I have read a bunch of Deeprak Chopra books, abused recreational drugs  and called this one girl back after tea-bagging her, so I am more than qualified to speak on the matters of the heart.

A Brief Demonstration

I will give you a brief demonstration to show you how insanely qualified I am for this kinda stuff. First a quote from Stendhal:

“Ninety- five percent of her daydreams are about love, and from the moment of intimacy they revolve about one single theme: she endeavors to justify the extraordinary and decisive step she has taken in defiance of all her habits of modesty. A man has no such concern, but a woman’s imagination dwells reminiscently on every enchanting detail.”

So you’re wondering what does this mean? Let me tell you:

The object pronoun here “her” refers to women of fuck-able age and looks.  So this subset of women day dream all the time about love, and then they give it up she looks for stuff to justify her decision to spread her legs to get dug out like the pockets.  Dudes dont daydream or have any such concern to justify plugging a women there fore will likely many time more than not be drunk and wont remem,ber all the  details.

How you can use this in your Relationship

Women

Write all the overindulgent details in a diary and keep it locked away in the darkness of forgetfulness because no one wants to know/hear/read that other than you right now in the moment. A hour or two later you might undergo a total metamorphosis and become a totally different person who may be a total symbiotic misanthrope that needs the illusion of someone listening to and caring about what you say to feel better about yourself. Live in the moment, after its done its done. The guy that just gapped you may or may not be Mr Right, he may not even be available to see you again forever in this life.

1. Live in the moment – Stop daydreaming and looking to justify your leg spreading ways. Its the 21st century and beign morally and ethically calloused like men is a right you have fought so hard to have. Enjoy it but it to use.
2. Write as much as you would want to say on papaer first, and hide it away . Before you hide it away  count the total words say the same thing using only 10% of the total word count.

Men

If my ex-gf’s are  any indication, no one will listen to the advice I gave above this. So you indulge your lady, or at least the women you temporarily and possibly begrudgingly filled like a 2 week job at a temp agency  pay attention to the details, and talk to her about what she was day dreaming about. Of course this is not possible without assistance so I recommend two things

1. Video Tape all sexual activity and use many great free editing software that way you can stay on top of things like ambiance, setting,  color and texture of the sheets, the interplay of light and dark, emotion, echo,  the contrast of colors in the environment and other strange extraneous things that might be considered major motifs in works by Dante;s Inferno  or John Milton Paradise Lost. Camera and surveillance technology is so pervasive this shouldn’t be an issue
2. Drink enough to reach the point where you sincerely look like your trying hard to pay attention but physically cannot. That way you can sit through a lot of conversation. Also you can always go back to the video-tape and take some notes

And there it is my friends

I know your impressed, stick around for more pearls of wisdom and like this series, to ensure more exclusive content for  MrMary’s and Stendhal’s Cures for Love Series

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What I’m Drinking Tonight: Samuel Adams Octoberfest or Memories of German ex Gf

Overly reflective Beginning

As always when love comes into one’s life it always seems in the moment that everything so was incredibly lacking and tasteless, so bereft of meaning until this one person shows up. Life is suddenly enriched and everything now instead of being something to complain about becomes a door to some seemingly transcendental experience. But yet after everyone has parted ways and we are left alone with that longing that makes us go out searching for companionship, for a future worth working for the world is so much more drab than it ever was before and that’s not even the worst thing. The worst thing is the listlessness, the floating around like driftwood on the ocean, going wherever whenever. But in time we return back to ourselves, and back to life and continued onwards where-ever  lucky or destiny , fate or our hard working takes us. Then after the weeks have turned into months and the months years and the years into grey hairs, there is this one random moment, where the strange juxtaposition of a song and a drink awakens from the past this  vast structure of recollection, and one can almost swear to be able to hear the laughs of past loves.

What does this have to do with beer

Normally  when i do a beer review I make it purposefully ridiculous. I obfuscate and obscure a real life story or experience into a satirical expose on many facets of the human condition. Brooklyn Lager Aka the Post Honeymoon working couple Handjob, was really a reflection on time and how its passage changes relationship of course, but ultimately one’s sense of self. Lindemans Framboise aka the Dutch International Student, was a humorous meditation on a time i was hit on by a Dutch international student and realized too late that she in her bad English  wanted to get to know me biblically without the commitment. It was an interesting experience that reminded me of Nikos Kazantzakis‘ Zorba the Greek in particularly:

“Life is trouble. Only death is not. To be alive is to undo your belt and look for trouble.”

While I drank this beer and heard some lines  from Aznavour, I listen to him a lot when I write late at night into the wee  morning hours. I remember a plan me and my German ex-gf had made long time ago to go to Oktoberfest and drink ourselves silly. We had a bet 20 Euros between us that I could out drink any hardcore Bavarian beer drinker under the table. While that trip was never actualized it stayed buried in my mind until today when I saw the Oktoberfest label while drinking and trying to relax.

Song lyrics with rough translation:

Dans d’autres bras, quand j’oublierai jusqu’à ton nom/ In other arms, when I will have forgotten even your Name
Quand je pourrai repenser l’avenir / When I will be able to re-think  the future
Tu deviendras pour moi, qu’un lointain souvenir / You will become for me that faded memory
Quand mon mal, et ma peur et mes pleurs vont finir / That my hurt, my fears and m tears will have finished

(Btw I have had a couple please excuse any mistakes in the French, and my tense conugation with the futur simple)

Octobertfest

A Note on this Type from BeerAdvocate.com

Before refrigeration, it was nearly impossible to brew beer in the summer due to the hot weather and bacterial infections. Brewing ended with the coming of spring, and began again in the fall. Most were brewed in March (Märzen). These brews were kept in cold storage over the spring and summer months, or brewed at a higher gravity, so they’d keep. Märzenbier is full-bodied, rich, toasty, typically dark copper in color with a medium to high alcohol content.

The Pour, The Aroma, The Taste

I really liked this beer, it was great to drink tasty great mouth-feel, complex taste, malty sweetness. Great when paired with of course sausage [chuckles]

Appearance

Dark copper colored, a finger worth of biege head that dissipates quickly leaving a minimal ring not much if any lacing

Smell

Some malt sweetness (precursor to the syrupy caramel notes in the taste) and flower scents. Not so much distinct floral scents but general floral sense, light sorta spice

Taste/Mouth Feel

Complex taste, there is some spice notes of course,  flowery notes as well that refer back to the aroma, there is a syrupy sweetness that is balances with a hoppy finish. This beer isn’t overly hopped but just the right amount. Great mouth feel to it.

Overall

This is very easy to drink. I drank a good 4 at a sitting before I stopped. This bitterness is very very moderate, more emphasis on the sweet malt and caramel notes. There is a dry finish to it as well.This is perfect for Autumn and will go great with many sausage based dishes. I would also thinks spicy foods and roasted meats like roast pork and roast chicken especially those with a sweet/spicy rubs.

Conclusions

This was a great beer and a great walk down memory lane.  It is very drinkable and very good.

“The places we have known do not belong solely to the world of space in which we situate them for our greater convenience. They were only a thin slice among contiguous impressions which formed our life at that time; the memory of a certain image is but regret for a certain moment; and houses, roads, avenues are as fleeting, alas, as the years.”
― Marcel Proust, Swann’s Way

But when from a long-distant past nothing subsists, after the people are dead, after the things are broken and scattered, taste and smell alone, more fragile but more enduring, more unsubstantial, more persistent, more faithful, remain poised a long time, like souls, remembering, waiting, hoping, amid the ruins of all the rest; and bear unflinchingly, in the tiny and almost impalpable drop of their essence, the vast structure of recollection.

― Marcel Proust, Swann’s Way

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