Brillant New idea from Bill Maher or is it ?

An Inappropriate Guide to Intimacy New Years Eve Night

Today New’s Years Eve has been considered the one of the days of the year that it is easiest to get laid and by getting laid I mean sloppy trying to come to turns with bad coordination a lack of lubrication and foppishly fumbling to find the correct orifice. Yes it said that this typically is what passes for sex on New Years eve.

But out of the goodness of my heart I have decided look past my own physical discomfort and slight body pain to pen this for you. No need to thank me just follow my guide and  pass it on to another person. Lets get started!

MrMary’s Guide to Intimacy New Years Eve Night

Sex can be great and a wonderful experience, but if you are lucky enough to not be having sex with yourself tonight and another being will be there with you, and not just passively watch you masturbate (that’s marriage), but participate here are something to keep in mind.

Warning For Gentleman and Ladies

Also ladies whatever you do  please do not set high standards of performance or likeability for tonight. write a note to yourself and put it on your bathroom mirror so the next morning you wont freak out when you wake up and are sore , have stretch marks around your mouth and or have a  sprained wrist. Your low standards and subconscious curiosity may just have lead you into the over enthusiastic embrace of a gang-bang.

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Gentleman,

If you have both been drinking DO NOT have sex or even talk about it. Go home and rub a few out to whatever re-run there happens to be on TV. If you are in America don’t worry, every American sitcom has a character male or female who is attractive sexually frustrated and doesn’t have the brain cells necessary to do more than maintain some personal hygiene habits.  If it must happen go out tonight with people who can corroborate your story everyone has a depressed friend  who is not going to get any even if he paid for it. Use him! Include him in your activities have him text you every hour once you pick the lady up. This will help in court

With That Out of the Way

I generally know no one will will listen to my suggestions so here it is lets get into it. Some music to set the mood that will contrast with what I am saying and provide this post with absurdity and the situational Irony you’ve so desperately needed since I have been away.

It’s like a jungle atmosphere And we’re two monkeys baby It’s like we’re on a vine The way we’re swinging it baby See, you’re a tiger girl The way you’re scratching me I’m a lion In this jungle I’m a king Girl, I got you so wet It’s like a rain forest Like Jurassic Park Except I’m your sex-a-saurus baby

# 1

This is the year the Christmas and New years Time when a lot of people are in the depths of despair. You are too but you don’t realize it because you’ve been conditioned to love the status quo. This is not the time to try anal, it will be shitty and let me tell you why. Sphincter control and alcohol consumption are not best friends. In fact they hate each other and cant be in the same room together. I heard perhaps the most disgusting new years eve sex story in my life a few days ago. You will thank me. I know your think just going for anal will be a protection in a way from those wrong hole accidents, but no for the sake of those awkward moments the next day and strange stickiness you will indubitably investigate, dont do it.

———–

Baby take your mind into a zone
Imagine that we all alone
Two ways are off and our friends are gone
Now it’s just you and me getting it on
Take my hand and come with me
Let’s indulge in fantasies
Cast your cares and worries
While we fall into this ecstasy

I’m gonna rub your body, so baby just relax
You’ve been pouring out your loving, so now its time to pour it back

#2

Ladies go easy on the oral, you’re already feeling nauseous and queasy from having to balance on those clear high heels you love so much while drinking, take this as a time to perfect your form and not try to win gold medals.

Guys – if you drink like I think and know you are, you will only be able to intermittently have an erection. Your coordination will be off, again take it easy work on your stroke, save the ball deep action or the death-stroke  for the next morning when you decide if the other person is is physically attractive enough for actual sexy-time. Bottom line there will be no grand finale or finish for either of you just enjoy the ride as bumpy and nauseating as it is.

———–

Girl, the time has come
To show and prove
I’ve seen enough I wanna feel the truth
Put your voodo on me babe
Kiss my lips
And curse me babe
Show me how you do your magic babe
Lead me to your secret jungle babe

3 #

Carry hygiene necessities  on your person before you leave the house, the next morning you can freshen up and the goodbye kiss won’t taste like sperm, ball-sack, and other assorted bodily fluids, cigarettes, beer, and cheap vodka.

Try to tidy up a bit right afterwards. Shower or just clean yourself off in the sink. It will help in the morning especially if you have to rush off somewhere. You don’t wont to be the guy/girl on public mass transit or in a taxi cab that sticks up the joint because you smell like you had sex and it dried up all on you and marinated (dry marination)

_______

Finally

Don’t Worry about the other person judging you, your both nasty and inhibited.  Enjoy your  decent into the seeming moral somnolence you have denied yourself for years.  Also anything you are going to engage in sexual activity please use protection. I don’t mean UV sunglasses or holy water which I should have used on some women in the past.

How does it Feel ?

How does it feel
How does it feel
Said I wanna know how does it feel
How does it feel
How does it feel

I wanna stop
Silly little games U and me play
And I am feeling right on ……………..

MrMary Vlogs: Age is perception & some other stuff

I saw the following and it made me laugh after I had already recorded a video

Enjoy the fruits of Serendipity

MrMary

_________________

Age is Perception

The lovely blogger who got me thinking about age and a lot of stuff is the lovely Asklotta from the  asklotta.wordpress.com .  Check her stuff out. Thank you asklotta for getting me to use those neurons!!! and of course some glial cells, and who can forget the pyramidal sell of the Dentate Gyrus in the hippocampus

 

An Excerpt from MrMary’s Definitive Guide To Sleeping well at Night

The Lovely Ms Jen and Tonic wrote a post that I reblogged today called How-to: Suckage Revisited. In it she enumerates the 20 NEW things everyone needs to stop doing. The list is quite exhaustive and poignant however  I thought maybe I could add somethings to the list or rather take the list a totally different direction. But before I do that I would like to say a few things.

Disclaimer

I am not a famous person or some sort of moral authority. Rather I am a pragmatist in every sense of the word. These are the following things I practice in my own life that have helped me maintain some semblance of sanity in my day. Please consult with a doctor before trying any of these techniques, may not be goo to try if you have a previous heart condition or take MAoi inhibitors.

MrMary Guide To Sleeping well at Night

Everyone is expendable. No one is so important that they couldn’t be sufficiently replaced. This to me applies to all relationships, personal, romantic, familial, collegiate, work-based. It’s best to keep this in mind especially when we have to interact with people. Everyone on the basis of their being born deserve a basal amount of respect. To me in an odd way a homeless man is just as important as a rich man though they may not be so in the eyes of many people. To imagine that we are better than someone or more valuable than someone else is to forget that we are expendable. There is never any reason for meanness, life is too fucking short.

Words to me are sacred, because the human voice is infinitely fragile and delicate. More often than not silence is better than speech.  Speaking just to speak is just as bad as eating just to eat. Human beings are social animals which means to me that words and interaction are just as important a food as food itself and its a create misdeed to devalue the worth of words by empty words. There are some people whose entire day can be changed by a single smile or nice word. The more we are engaged in useless banter of any form the less we are aware of the needs of the people who cross our path.

If you are an atheist, or a Christian, or a Muslim or a Buddhist, a feminist, whatever you follow doesn’t give you the right to be an ass to someone else about their belief or to continually attack their credibility as a human being for their beliefs. That just makes you an asshole. What you believe is personal and should stay to yourself.  Large sweeping generalization that lump massive amounts of people together should be avoided in public. I think that it would be much more of a boon to society to focus on being a human being  first then try to work on the adjectives if ya get me.

No matter how much yoga you do, no matter how much you contribute to Save the Children, or open doors for people, or help old women across the street or eat whole wheat and extra fiber You will always be a bit of a hypocrite and heedless. Nothing wrong with that. Turning a blind eye to that or not apologizing when you get called out on it is fucked up.

& Finally

Get tips like this and more when you call my this number now: (347) 709-4583 and order my new book:

Everyone’s an Asshole but We can work with that

by MrMary

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10 Steps to Solving Your Mental Incontinence

 

MrMaryMuthafing, Do you think love is a project doomed to fail?

 

This is my third re-write. The third re-write speaks more of the respect I have for the person who asked me the question rather than the lengths I strive to produce the content that appears on this site. The first draft I felt quickly devolved in an over erudite disposition on Western Philosophy which while that’s fun didn’t really share with you anything about what I really thought. The second was overly sarcastic and satirical and frankly that helps nobody. So here it is just my personal reflection on the question.

Do you think love is a project doomed to fail?

Love is the most charged well in English. Two people can both say to each other: “I love you” and each person can walk away with a different understand both mental and emotional as to what was meant by the act, gesture and words. So where then does that that leave us? There are many questions within this one question two of which are as follows:

1. Do I agree with the metaphor that seeks to compare and contrast love with a project?
2. Is there something about how I understand/define/ and articulate what I feel love is that resigns it to a kind of determinism -a kind of unfortunate ending impossible to stop perhaps?

This question is penultimately a reflection on our own mortality. As we are all going to shuffle off this mortal coil isn’t that an indication that whatever we endeavor to love is doomed? I don’t think we can ever approach what is “is” as the famous philosopher Heidegger asked once. We take ‘being’ for granted a lot. There is some truth to the saying that fish are the worse people to ask about water.

What is being, of course we can describe qualitatively the aspects of being, but with whether we use language, thought or even science I we  can’t say what being is. Philosopher Karl Popper gave a great summary of science Science seek to discover and formulate the conditions under which events occur. By its very nature though science sheds a lot of light on existence,  it too cannot approach the core of being. So if it is a given that being is not something we can define clearly how can we say what love is? This may seem like excessive  extreme captiousness on my part but it’s a very significant for me at least.

So where does that leave things ?

We have to look at the subsequent ramifications of comparing love to a project. A project has a definite beginning and end and a goal, or an end that validates the means used and effort put in to reach it.  For example the building of the trans Siberian railway was a project it had a end goal. For me love whatever it is, cannot be a project. It doesn’t have a fixed end goal because our own end as mortal beings is definite but are not fixed.

Looking at language usage there is a strong tendency to focus on the events that indirectly speak of love. We focus on relationships,(the love of a husband for his wife, the love of a mother for her baby) or as  we seek out beautiful things and people so as to create the grounds for love to manifest. I think the common phrase “to fall into love” says a lot; whatever love is,  it is something that happens experience we through a plethora of vehicles of its own manifestation, outside of our control.

Relationship where “love manifests” are a secondary phenomenon. They [ these secondary phenomena]  aren’t itself love.  Also the issue I feel is that the relationship are complex exchanges. There is a personal component, societal and national component I feel. Everyone is such a unique confluence of internal as well as external  influences and drives.  Each person has such a unique sense of “time and “being” that at the end of it all we are only left with our own unique experience as spoken so brilliants by the Sufi poet Jelaluddin Balkhi  known in the West as Rumi. Rumi despairs of defining Love and being too if you read his other works as well

 ”However much i might try to expound or explain Love, when i come to Love itself, i am ashamed of my explanations… Love alone can explain the mysteries of Love”.

The End

That was my honest to go free flowing thoughts on the question. I’m kind of glad I put aside my want to impression my questioner with my questioner and ultimate confirm my complete lack of it.

Peace
MrMary

If you have a question you want me to answer i.e run my mouth about please send me a tweet/leave a comment or email. My contact info is in the contact me section.

 

MrMary’s & Stendhal’s Cures for Love Fashion Week Special Edition

As can be expected we in America, the fattest nation in the world, have a  twisted image of beauty. Like Gaia in Greek myth we breed behemoths and send them forth into the world to reek havoc on toilets and bathroom everywhere and also places where sitting down next to other people is required. Yet despite all of this we seem to idolize these anorexically thin models who are avid abusers of recreational drugs and lead very unhealthy lifestyles. Of course for some women cocaine not only increase libido but decrease gag reflexes and that’s the kind of invented fact any  normal guy would like

Gripes with Fashion

Of course I have gripes with fashion and I will list three of them below

Seeding Self Image issues

Skinny, bony models dressed  in nice clothes is a subtle advertisement for necrophilia. No one right in their mind man or woman with a store bought silicone based appendage, wants to bag a bag of bones. Also no one wants to support anorexia and bulimia and young women and girls with self image problems.

For decades way-too-thin models have been en vogue and in Vogue as our culture’s representations of beauty, but just now, for some reasons related to the Internet, we’re suddenly seeing the fashion industry respond. 

The Fashion Industry Suddenly Acknowledges Its Anorexia Problem

The Atlantic Wire  Rebecca Greenfield 7,512 Views May 4, 2012

___________________________

Buying into the Unreal

Living in NYC I have had the chance to see some famous people and models there must be teams of Photoshop experts that really go to work on the magazine and catalogue images. That’s not saying these models aren’t good looking but lets be serious. I think this is quite significant check out this out:

Same Body in all of these pics

The bodies of most of the models H&M features on its website are computer-generated and “completely virtual,” the company has admitted. H&M designs a body that can better display clothes made for humans than humans can, then “dresses” it by drawing on its clothes, and digitally pastes on the heads of real women in post-production.

Modeling and fashion is clearly not about reality. It is about sales and making you buy into not just a product but a way of seeing things as well.

_________________________

Ethics in Fashion

Please take a look at the following facts:

1. Serious concerns are often raised about exploitative working conditions in the factories that make cheap clothes for the high street.
2. Child workers, alongside exploited adults, can be subjected to violence and abuse such as forced overtime, as well as cramped and unhygienic surroundings, bad food, and very poor pay. The low cost of clothes on the high street means that less and less money goes to the people who actually make them.
3. Cotton provides much of the world’s fabric, but growing it uses 22.5% of the world’s insecticides and 10% of the world’s pesticides, chemicals which can be dangerous for the environment and harmful to the farmers who grow it. (Ethical Fashion Forum)
4. Current textile growing practices are considered unsustainable because of the damage they do to the immediate environment. For example, the Aral Sea in Central Asia has shrunk to just 15% of its former volume, largely due to the vast quantity of water required for cotton production and dying. (Ethical Fashion Forum)
5. Most textiles are treated with chemicals to soften and dye them, however these chemicals can be toxic to the environment and can be transferred to the skin of the people wearing them. Hazardous chemicals used commonly in the textile industry are: lead, nickel, chromium IV, aryl amines, phthalates and formaldehyde. (Greenpeace)
6. The low costs and disposable nature of high street fashion means that much of it is destined for incinerators or landfill sites. The UK alone throws away 1 million tonnes of clothing every year. (Waste Online)

I think it is harder and harder to sustain loving relationship when the materialistic trends in society work to in a way reduce people to sources of revenue without regards to their well being and the well being of the environment.  I could say more but i think thats good

MrMary

Related articles

• MrMary’s & Stendhal’s Cures for Love Fashion Week Special Edition part 1
• MrMary’s & Stendhal’s Cures for Love Violence to One’s Feelings
• Blogger’s power on display at New York Fashion Week
• Bullish for Fashion Week: 3 Surprising Career Philosophies from Designers
• App World Wednesday: Avoid Fashion Flubs with These 5 Apps
• Model, 81, Stuns at NY Fashion Week
• 20 Influential Blacks In The Fashion Industry (Check Out How Some Of These Influencers Made It)
• fashion: bad at doing it, good at loving it – part one

MrMary’s & Stendhal’s Cures for Love Fashion Week Special Edition part 1

The compliments paid to little to girls of three furnish exactly the right sort of education imbue a them with the most pernicious vanity. To be pretty  is the greatest virtue and the most important advantage in the world. To have a pretty dress is to be pretty

-Stendhal

_________________________________________________

Wang Wins

Flesh baring! Alexander Wang impresses at New York Fashion Weekwith sexy strategic cutouts

_____________________________________________________________

In my last post in this series i talked about how people  don’t like themselves, or rather we have been given a false idea about ourselves from our family/culture/society/religion/etc. Nowadays people are judged by what they wear , the car they drive, how much work has been done on their faces after novel breakthroughs in cosmetic surgery. We have been in fact sold a dream that it is the materials we have that reflect on others our meaning, and obviously this can have nefarious connotations for love.

Fashion Week NYC 2012

History : The first New York Fashion Week, then called Press Week, was the world’s first organized fashion week. Held in 1943, the event was designed to attract attention away from French fashion during World War II, when fashion industry insiders were unable to travel to Paris to see French fashion shows. Fashion publicist Eleanor Lambert organized an event she called “Press Week” to showcase American designers for fashion journalists, who had previously neglected their innovations. (Buyers were not admitted to the shows and instead had to visit designers’ showrooms.) Press Week was a success, and fashion magazines like Vogue, which were normally filled with French designs, increasingly featured American fashion.

it’s given that I alwys look presentable and clean. When the situation  is appropriate I get all gussied up of course but to me high fashion and being on the scene is not my kind of thing. I feel there is nothing wrong with taking pride in one’s appearance but where do you draw the line, when does it become vanity? I think an exaggerated sense of vanity and false pride really hurt relationships. As reported in a USA Today article entitled: Study: Materialistic values compromise marriages

Investigators from Brigham Young University analyzed relationship evaluations completed by more than 1,700 married couples across the United States. The participants were asked how much value they placed on “having money and lots of things.” The study, published in the Oct. 13 issue of the Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, found that couples who believe that money is not important scored up to 15 percent higher on marriage stability and other measures of relationship quality than materialistic couples. ”Couples where both spouses are materialistic were worse off on nearly every measure we looked at,” lead author, Jason Carroll, a BYU professor of family life, said in a university news release. “There is a pervasive pattern in the data of eroding communication, poor conflict resolution and low responsiveness to each other.”

Social Influence

So much of our influence is dictated by our upbringing and social environment take a look at the following courtship practices which if you think about speaks volumes about the culture from which they derive, and more important how that culture viewed male and female relations and their role in society:

In some African groups like the Zulus, fathers haven’t allowed suitors to visit their daughters at home. They were far from prudish, though. Daughters got their own “courting huts” in which they could entertain suitors away from the watchful eyes of their parents.

Gypsy girls are famously chaste and aren’t allowed to date, so if a boy wants to catch a girl’s attention, he manhandles her in an attempt to get a smooch.

Eighteenth-century New England couples had a tricky problem when it came to exchanging tender words: they had zero privacy, and who wants to coo sweet nothings into his girl’s ear while her dad watches? Enter an ingenious invention called the courting stick. This six-foot-long hollow tube allowed couples to exchange whispered words of affection from a safe distance while family members remained in the room to make sure there was nothing as salacious as hand-holding going on.

As recently as the 19th century, Finnish girls who had reached a marriageable age would wear an empty sheath on their girdle. If one of these young ladies caught a man’s eye, he would make or buy a knife to put in her sheath. A girl would return the knife of a would-be suitor if she wasn’t interested, but keeping his blade meant that she agreed to marry him

taken from http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/103086

I think personally that our society is quite sick and the more one adjusts themselves to it, the further divorced I think at least we are from our humanity. Currently the divorce rate is very high and there are many social ills. I speak not to disparage the institution of fashion. However I see a disconnect. Everyone is free to do whatever they want with their money and time I just feel we should be honest about things for instance. We should agree that on a whole we do not care much for the poor people of our country, I think we shouldn’t care for 1/5 children (I think this is the correct stat i could be wrong) that go to bed hungry. Sunday night I saw the disdain in some peoples faces on my way back home, when they saw a homeless person.  You know how disgusting it is to see someone with $1000  shoes trying to take  big steps to avoid a homeless pan handler asking for change?

I guess no fancy conclusion or much sarcastic commentary. I think Fashion Week is a circus in and of itself that i will never understand, I will be saving that for part 2

Related articles

• The History of Fashion Week
• See New York Fashion Week Manicures Up Close
• Seen at Fashion Week: Guided By the Lights
• Marimekko Spring 2013 Ready-To-Wear at New York Fashion Week
• The Fashion Week Makeup Trends You Need to Know
• Fashion Week’s Social Trend Setters
• 9 Summery-Cool Hairstyles From São Paulo Fashion Week
• 21 Highlights From Fashion Week So Far
• SA Fashion Week Program A/W 2013
• FabSugarTV: Tropical Prints, Pink, & Feathers at Paris Fashion Week and the Pink Pony Auction with David Lauren!

MrMary’s & Stendhal’s Cures for Love Violence to One’s Feelings

 

I start where I should always start with Stendhal. He was a real expert when it came to observing people, and I have learned a lot from his observations.

The more desperately a man is in love  the greater the violence he must do to his own feelings in daring to risk offending the women he loves by taking her hand.

~ Stendhal

Violence to One’s Feelings

Everyone knows that aside from one’s mother no one else will accept them for how they are. Consequently we all try to trick someone into liking us by “lying about ourselves”. For example guys I’m sure you had to go outside and double check you were in the right housethe first time you saw your girlfriend without make up. What the fuck is that? It would seems now you have no qualms with bringing fucking Gollum home. (It’s an apt analogy: your obssession with one ring that will bind a man forever to your evil bidding etc). Ladies I’m sure you keep that box of Kleenex on the nightstand because nice guys don’t always finish last as they promised they would on the car ride home. Quite often they finish first in an eye-stinging way that elicits unusually nice behavior for a good 2 weeks.

Generally as a modern-day dude and professional box filler, I have observed that most guys fall in love after the test-drive. Well to be honest, after the refractory period right after the test drive where women are watched to see how crazy they may or may not get. [HINT: Ladies if within the first 72 hours you talk about him meeting your boring ass friends, who are in some way socially or romantically defective, your biological clock, an ex-boyfriend, that time you got gang-banged in the bathroom of Pizzeria Uno's and never knew if you would feel love again - it's a wrap] The way a lady handles during the test drive and how she is post test-drive is what determines how low you, as a dude, will let your guard down. So ladies write it down, “up first and then in, then down for the win”. The problem is that in letting your guard down, you start to expose yourself to the othe person as you are. That’s fucking scary if your a dude.

Why is it Scary

Plain and simple we don’t like ourselves, and I don’t mean that negatively. To like something one has to know it deeply and we cannot always see ourselves except through our contact and association with others. To know one’s self is a journey into ourselves. It’s not a popular thing to do. There is a reason after all why Shakespeare’s Hamlet starts out with the penultimate philosophical question: “Who’s there?”

Ladies if you really liked yourself as you are would you

1. Dye your hair
2. Make your cheeks redder
3. Inject botulism toxin into your face – [RANT: So let me get this straight you will inject a bacterial toxin into your face to give the temporary illusion that there is a vivaciousness to that worn cracked baseball glove you call a face but if a guy finishes on it, its an offense  really ? Should I tell you what is in the make up and cosmetics you use?]
4. Wear push up bra’s,
5. Starve yourselves to fit in a dress that you will wear once and then let die in the back of your closet and eventually haunt you like bill collectors do black people…..
6. Still drink Bud Light to look cool when you know deep down inside you just want an excuse to act out ?
7. Hang out with approximation 1-2 girls less attractive than you at the party (didn’t think I knew about that shit)
8. Be so catty to the new lady in the office who looks better than you and is actually approachable and not a gigantic bitch to everyone ?
9. Date guys who are clearly violent, or not well in the head, or emotionally immature?
10. Would you shop at Century 21 – I’ve been in that place with its siren song and smiling fucking harpies.

I am not discounting the fact that society puts a lot of pressure on you to fit this strange ideal of beauty. I am not disputing the fact that you have to dress a certain way to get taken seriously in the work place. There are gender based demands made on you that is ridiculous.

But next time you are about to go to a party and you are holed up in the bathroom with your blow dryer, a curling iron just in fucking case you don’t like your hair straight and might want to add some fucking curls to it provided that 1, its not to humid outside and 2 you can find that fucking bottle that guarantees frizz control in Hurricane level winds, 2 bags one for make up one for cans of bullshit for your hair, not to mention lotions, skin scrubs, face cream, eye cream, foundation, cotton pads, make up remover,  nail polish, nail polish remover and an assortment of brushes Picasso would envy, ask yourself what different are you from a sculptor? How different are you from the Photoshop crew called into to work on magazine covers for skinny anorexic models, Sarah Jessica Parker  or Glenn Close or  Madaonna – who doesn’t know when to stop? Then if you wanna go further you may realize that you’ve become a part of the very system you detest, a co-oppressor of other women (including yourself). You may get  a weird feeling in your stomach if you think about it and that is the emptiness at the basis of existence. Enjoy that and either let someone in the fucking bathroom from time to time or don’t get offended if someone pees in the fuggin sink.

Dudes if you really liked yourself that much would you:

1. Jerk off that frequently,… you need to let the eroded skin grow back, otherwise it burns in the shower
2. Put up with your bullshit friends who make you feel better because their lives are a lot shittier than yours
3. Work out only abs & biceps so you can look good in the old Navy Tshirts you bought 3 sizes too small
4. Live in such a vermin infested festering cessepool that is your room/apartment/ parents basement pretend-space?
5. Get those stupid tribal tattoos  ironically around your fucking biceps that you’ve been working out so much.
6. Ignore your lady just in the other room waiting for you to ask her about her day so she can talk you into a fucking coma by playing video games.
7. Wear a T-shirt multiple times and walk around smelling like a fucking gyro stand at a summer fair
8. Wear a T-shirt multiple times and dump half a can of Axe Body spray on you effectively killing all plant life and human olfaction as you and that cloud of ignorance walk about your day.
9. Would you try to assert your masculinity by making fun of gay people when you know that when your lady slips a finger in…eh I’m not gonna go there
10. You have only your career boots or sneakers that you’ve carried for the last 9 years as the only footwear in your closet ?

Conclusions

Generally dudes have a weakness and that is regularity in need fulfilment. If I meet a girl that is not demanding, won’t stress me out too much, actually consistently puts out and not only on the days of obligation (Bday, Local team win a championship, Christmas eve, Christmas, New Years Eve and New Years) then something keeps me coming back. Once you come back regularly you’re hooked. Once your hooked you have to keep on living the lie that you like fucking ballet or Experimental dance, that you really shave often, you don’t smell like shit,  that you don’t mind listening to Tori Amos/Paula Cole/ in the car on long drive that extirpate your will to live, that it is ok to take food out of my fucking plate when I ordered something small so that you can get whatever you fucking want on the menu. Of course once you stop living lie that you hear things like

• I don’t even know you any more?  ( I could say the same thing when you take/peel off the clown mask you painted over that pale  discolored crater ridden thing you call a face right before you hop into bed)
• You’re Not really taking this relationship seriously? (I show up consistently, I don’t even do that for work or when it comes to visiting my own  parents)
• Your just saying that to placate me? ( No I just heard that story of that crazy bitch at work who is trying to get you fired and  take away from you everything you have ever loved in life that fucking my little princess shit you got as a gift when you were 7. Try that on for placating you)
• So you really don’t like my best friend Nancy [ btw fuck that bitch Nancy, I'd tell her to go eat a dick but she can't get a man]

See what I did there. I put in black what some ex gf have told me and I put in parenthesis what I wanted to say but didn’t. I basically cock blocked my freedom of expression, because they (some of my ex-gf’s) managed to hold off their crazy till after 72 hours post boning out,  had comfortable furniture, brought me soup when I was sick, cleaned me up and escorted me outside looking presentable, shiny well groomed.

Now unless you do some egregiously wrong shit I’m stuck living this lie to fucking please you so I can continue to get my needs met, and somewhere in this crazy exchange love enters  and I’m finished, I have to bite my tongue I have to hang with your family, I have to watch Project Runway with you and pretend I know wtf chiffon is ? – it’s a violently painful thing to do. No matter how much I try to resist  I end locked up each time.

From my experience I kind of feel that  a good woman  sort of of civilizes a dude. You are transformed from a wild semi solitary animal into the pride of the Westminster Dog show, you get  food, warmth some comfort, but you have to look a certain way, you have to jump through hoops and play dead when  all those wild impulses come your way or your hear your friends howling at the moon. But despite that there is a love there even after all my sarcasm and snarky comments. James Brown said it best.

This is a man’s world
But it wouldn’t be nothing, nothing without a woman or a girl

He’s lost in the wilderness
He’s lost in bitterness

According to some algorithm the style of writing this post is most similar to is that of :

I write like
H. P. Lovecraft

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

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MrMary’s & Stendhal’s Cures for Love: Men and Intimacy

Disclaimer: The views express here are not necessarily those ascribed to by me MrMaryMuthaFuckingPoppin, or the author of this blog, it’s readers and followers. Rather this is a sarcastic take on modern day relationships. We here at aspoonfulofsuga believe in equal rights for everyone regardless or race color creed gender or music choice and we are proud supporters of love in whatever form or disease it happens to take. MrMary Cares
____________________________________________

 

MrMary’s & Stendhal‘s Cures for Love

Men and Intimacy

MrMary being an expert on all affairs of the heart is bringing you some reflection on love that are guaranteed to change the way you look at and experience loving relationships forever. I’m an expert in many things. When it comes to all things about masculinity and being a dude and breaking that down into a language women can understand. In many ways Stendhal was the same for his time. With that said, let me hit you with some knowledge that I am about to bring current for our times:

Most of the men of the world, from vanity, from mistrust, from fear of disillusionment, refrain from falling in love with a woman until after intimacy.

~ Stendhal

The Reality

Falling in love has nothing to do with love. We have a primal craving to be truly known by someone before we die. We need and want to build deeply committed relationship based on honesty, trust, self-disclosure, respect, appreciation, interdependence, and togetherness whatever that means. Falling in love is really about self-recognition, recognizing yourself in another. What love really is, is to me beyond self-recognition beyond the sense

Love is not condescension, never that,

nor books, nor any marking on paper,

nor what people say of each other.

Love is a tree

with branches reaching into eternity

and roots set deep in eternity,

and no trunk.

 

Have you seen it? The mind cannot.

Your desiring cannot.

Gender Differences

Coming down from the lofty etheric realms of the esoteric to now the current moment; nowadays the idea is that genitals don’t define gender.  Gender is today considered to be a complex aspect of self identity influenced by both by one’s biology as well as  socio-cultural influences. There are many differences gender wise in this moment of self-recognition that we call “falling in love” just like there are many difference gender-wise with urination (well unless I have been drinking heavily and have to sit down to compensate for bad aim).

Stendhal never went to the car dealership to buy a car, or spent all day at a mall with some girl he liked but not that much, but I have done both and I can explain this behavior Stendhal talks about quite easily. I’m with this chic at the mall. She is cute and nice and its really nice  to spend some time together. She walks by a store sees an pair of shoes and says, actually let me recreate the scene

Cute Chic Id Stuff if she ever Stopped talking: I’ve got to have them, they look so cute… I have the perfect dress for this…omg..you know the one with the white belt ?
MrMary: Which one ? … the Skinny white Belt, The Wide White Belt, the medium white belt ?
Cute CHic: No the one I wore the other day with that grey top and the skinny jeans
MrMary: Oh yeah…. sorta
CuteChic: Sorta why ?

MrMary: I remember all the dirty stuff I was thinking about when you were wearing that, but don’t worry walking around the mall in circles, and seeing the same gang of fucktards has killed all libido.

                               Cut to the Chase

She bought the shoes and never wore them. They decorate the floor of her vast walk in closet.

My boy wanted to buy a car. We sa a car we both liked, it passed all the criteria we had on our check list. We grilled the dealer, is this very fuel efficient, how many miles to the gallon in the city, on the highway? what about the suspension?  handling? What kind of maintenance is optimal for this car? The defects that were found in the model 2 years earlier have they been rectified ? While my friend asked him questions I just looked the car dealer in the eye with a blank expressionless face and from time to time I said ‘hmmm’ and looked at my friend and he would raise an eyebrow. Total Intimidation. Anyways we test drove it.

See the Difference

As a man I cannot see a girl I like and say are you fucking crazy? will you every stop talking, when you talk how many words per minute in the city, how many words per minute on the highway ?  Are you over that mutha-fucka you dated 2 years ago? Do you fuck slow and ugly an old person ? The emotional defects that made u take a break from dating are u over dat shit ? How does the back of your throat feel like, do you sound sexy when you talk with your mouth full ? Can you go with the flow,  I gonna have to make all the fucking decisions as to where to eat what to fucking do on my one day off? Since I cannot just outright say that, the best bet is to is to reserve judgement and accessment until aft

Supplementary Facts to Keep in Mind

Also it is important to realize that:

1. If you are not a movie star or someone famous the odds for  women are asking you out, offering to open doors for you, or help you with groceries, or tell you you have a nice ass as you run your errands are very slim.
2. It is also important to realize that as far as I can remember no one takes it seriously when a man charges a women for rape.
3. Before you get intimate with a women you will always have to jump through some hoops, you will have to listen to her, might have to meet her bullshit friends, might even have to meet some of those degenerates she calls family. It is an investment of both time and money you don’t have, especially in a recession.
4. Although  times are different, and women can vote and they have rights and the feminist movement have made some gains I have not seen many women who will go dutch and or don’t like when a man pays for stuff

How you can use this in your Relationship ….

In every relationship there is one  who takes it and one who gives it. There is a cost one has to pay for the recipient for the aforementioned giving.  In my case I have noticed that most women I have met except for a few skanks, are really invested emotionally when it comes to intimacy/physicality. There is an act of submission  on both parts physically in the act of rod-ramming, emotionally to submit to the moment to the passions, for the dude if he isn’t a scumbag to the wants and needs of the lady, to feel wanted, desired and cared for, to be accepted flaws and all and  can go on and on but here is how to use this in your relationship.

Women

I think it is important to accept that dudes aren’t as emotionally invested as you when it comes to sex. They are more invested in terms of time and money first. The time and money investiture seed the ground for later emotional investiture. Its that simple.  It like farming you got to put the work in first then, after you have rally plowed the fields real well, and you reap a harvest then you can get emotionally invested and celebrate. Don’t try to understand why things are the way they are  just accept it and if you want to play the fucking game.

Men

Uhm no need to be a dick about stuff. Generally being straight up and honest at first means less clean up, changing phone numbers and alerting security  guards about your ex-gf. Remember a test-drive is just that, there are some cars that wont do well being test-driven and do everyone a fucking favor and move on to another car or dealership.

And there it is my friends

I know your impressed, stick around for more pearls of wisdom and like this series, to ensure more exclusive content for  MrMary’s and Stendhal’s Cures for Love Series

MrMary’s & Stendhal’s Cures for Love

Disclaimer: The views express here are not necessarily those ascribed to by me MrMaryMuthaFuckingPoppin, or the author of this blog, it’s readers and followers. Rather this is a sarcastic take on modern day relationships. We here at aspoonfulofsuga believe in equal rights for everyone regardless or race color creed gender or music choice and we are proud supporters of love in whatever form or disease it happens to take. MrMary Cares
__________________________________________________

 

Stendhal believed love comes in different forms, from passion and lust to vanity, the love of possessive desire. In this collection he muses on falling in love, how to cope with jealousy and whether infatuation can ever be overcome – and provides a selection of maxims giving advice for lovers.

MrMary being an expert on all affairs of the heart is bringing you some reflection on love that are guaranteed to change the way you look at and experience loving relationships forever. Why MrMary, do you ask , will my approach to relationships will be changed forever? Well  I would say that what we called love, is not really love, rather what we call love is a power struggle, or rather as one poet put it so eloquently:

Different degrees of domination and servitude
are what you know as love.

But love is different
it arrives complete -
just there -
like the moon at the window.

Seek only that of which you have no clue.
Desire only that of which you have no hope.

I have read a bunch of Deeprak Chopra books, abused recreational drugs  and called this one girl back after tea-bagging her, so I am more than qualified to speak on the matters of the heart.

A Brief Demonstration

I will give you a brief demonstration to show you how insanely qualified I am for this kinda stuff. First a quote from Stendhal:

“Ninety- five percent of her daydreams are about love, and from the moment of intimacy they revolve about one single theme: she endeavors to justify the extraordinary and decisive step she has taken in defiance of all her habits of modesty. A man has no such concern, but a woman’s imagination dwells reminiscently on every enchanting detail.”

So you’re wondering what does this mean? Let me tell you:

The object pronoun here “her” refers to women of fuck-able age and looks.  So this subset of women day dream all the time about love, and then they give it up she looks for stuff to justify her decision to spread her legs to get dug out like the pockets.  Dudes dont daydream or have any such concern to justify plugging a women there fore will likely many time more than not be drunk and wont remem,ber all the  details.

How you can use this in your Relationship

Women

Write all the overindulgent details in a diary and keep it locked away in the darkness of forgetfulness because no one wants to know/hear/read that other than you right now in the moment. A hour or two later you might undergo a total metamorphosis and become a totally different person who may be a total symbiotic misanthrope that needs the illusion of someone listening to and caring about what you say to feel better about yourself. Live in the moment, after its done its done. The guy that just gapped you may or may not be Mr Right, he may not even be available to see you again forever in this life.

1. Live in the moment – Stop daydreaming and looking to justify your leg spreading ways. Its the 21st century and beign morally and ethically calloused like men is a right you have fought so hard to have. Enjoy it but it to use.
2. Write as much as you would want to say on papaer first, and hide it away . Before you hide it away  count the total words say the same thing using only 10% of the total word count.

Men

If my ex-gf’s are  any indication, no one will listen to the advice I gave above this. So you indulge your lady, or at least the women you temporarily and possibly begrudgingly filled like a 2 week job at a temp agency  pay attention to the details, and talk to her about what she was day dreaming about. Of course this is not possible without assistance so I recommend two things

1. Video Tape all sexual activity and use many great free editing software that way you can stay on top of things like ambiance, setting,  color and texture of the sheets, the interplay of light and dark, emotion, echo,  the contrast of colors in the environment and other strange extraneous things that might be considered major motifs in works by Dante;s Inferno  or John Milton Paradise Lost. Camera and surveillance technology is so pervasive this shouldn’t be an issue
2. Drink enough to reach the point where you sincerely look like your trying hard to pay attention but physically cannot. That way you can sit through a lot of conversation. Also you can always go back to the video-tape and take some notes

And there it is my friends

I know your impressed, stick around for more pearls of wisdom and like this series, to ensure more exclusive content for  MrMary’s and Stendhal’s Cures for Love Series

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Random Thoughts …again

If there is one word I hate it is love. I know what your saying, that the herpes cream in time will treat my condition and I will learn to forgive myself from hooking up with that dirty bitch…. Uhm ..you didn’t say that ?… uhm ….. well what’s done is done I guess.

Great Post I Read

I read this great post today from La Signora, thedaterofboys (click here to read the post, do it , you know you want to). The post is saturated with honesty and sincerity what more can one ask for (I feel like saying a diet coke, although I don’t drink that stuff)

The post got me thinking of love, not the rod ramming kind, really rod ramming and the equal but opposite moist acceptance are both a tactile expression of  the deeper love, and inward recognition  I think of something. To me I think love is more than just an emotion or a patterned release of certain chemical messengers in the brain and or bloodstream. A recognition i feel of something ineffable, what that is I personally cannot say and if I did know enough to say I doubt language, with all it biases and multi-valent socio-cultural contexts and who can forget shades of subterfuge.

With That Said

I guess when I am not acting a fool and writing as the character Mrmary I often end up wondering things, like is what commonly goes as love really love ? or Do we need so many flavors of mustard: sweet, spicy, dijon, yellow, etc.

I had to Do it

 

 

 

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Why so serious MrMary ?

Usually when someone asks me why so serious I answer something inappropriate like:

Yeah Me too Lil Homey

You know, your ____________ (insert noun -mom, daughter, wife, ex-gf, sister, best friend, Francine) ask me the same thing when I was climbing off of her this morning, I guess I’m getting old.

Or

I quote a line of poetry that is non-romantic and a bit disturbing like from the Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock

LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherized upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels

That really gets the basement juice (New word) flowing for the ladies. In one move you managed to show that your creepy, well read, and a dick who probably wont call the next day, (According to rabid Anti-Semite Mel Gibson that’s really what women want)

The Events of The Day

Yesterday I fell into my own trap. I posted some serious hard hitting posts, and I feel that I have to rectify my out of character seriousness.  It’s bad enough I am a scientist, graduate instructor, and professional vaginal-filler (consensually of course). So here is my corrective and way of paying homage   to Sherman Helmsley, I loved watching him when I was a young boy and actually I found the word honkey so funny I would say it often, until someone pulled me aside and told me not to say it.

The Corrective

Enjoy

The show was truly edgy for its time like all in the family it still cracks me up.

by the way

 

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