I cant Listen to my GF’s Ipod: MrMary Converses w/ His Non-Italian Friend akak Fat Fucking Sal

My Observations

We care a lot about how others view us and how much we adhere to what society expects of us that we don’t really spend time I feel being completely ourselves. We present a different version ourselves to every person we meet. We fear being judge so much.

My friend  has been with his gf for many years and she is a very educated women. But her selection of music is kind of not fitting to her status and education or so she thinks. I find it very endearing that even though she is a strong women and very well educated she listens to a lot of as my friend calls it: Hipster bullshit and overly romantic shit. I don’t know this started and this is none of my business but I find it humorous. Basically one can engage in sexual relation with a person,  which to me is as intimate physically as one can get but sharing songs and musical taste is too invasive a move because an image of ourselves created in another’s mind might not fit or match the image we hold ourselves too.

I saw this image on facebook and it made me think:

You know are no point are you being yourself completely. At every moment it seems your living for an image that never could satiate our deep seated need for wholeness.  I know this image is meant to be sarcastic or funny but I think it points to a deeper problem plaguing our society and that is the lack of a entrench self-identity. Just my two cents

THE CONVO (reader discretion is advised)

I have some close male friends. As is typical to males of my age who still have some hope of making something of ourselves we show our affection for each other  by insulting each other or poking fun. I present you this conversation to  hopefully open up for discussion something I have witnessed. The language is crass and vulgar and inappropriate on all levels. But this dude is my friend for many years and I couldn’t bring up and share with you an observation I have had without giving you a bit of our conversation. If You offend easily please don’t read. You can Skip straight to the observations:

MRM: Paisano whats good with ya
FFS: no mucho man
MRM: So ya fat bastard  ready to get this lunch
FFs: yeah Im ready but let’s stop by CVS first

- ah yeah? you need that shampoo
what shampoo ?
that crabs shampoo because you’re building a bridge of understanding between homosexuality and heterosexuality one cock at at time

Fuck you dude lol  ….  Eventually you are going to have to change or grow up  or  “MrMary lady’s Name” will leave yo ass

Yea for what? to date some fat bloated fuck with a better credit score that showers her in gifts of imaginary orgasms …. yeah  I’m perpetually broke but the nuts busted are real

Man you need to get out that little office you work in for some air

Yeah I like it tho …. when I jerk off at my desk its like I’m doing a mini David Carradine – starved of some of that O2  (obscene hand gesture)

< general laughter>

Man that was wrong MrMary’s Nick Name  …

yeah I know I am like the biggest David Carradine fan …. Dude  really we came all this was for some fucking Icy Hot.

Yeha man my whole back is sore

yeah your boyfriend works out …wait for it .. all in dat

Dude there is a lady with her baby

Ok first off judging from my own mishaps there was prolly a lot of trying before the baby came some of it drunk  and misguided if ya get me

Ok Man I am gonna go on line

(waiting in line …….)

_________________

You like this song ?
yeah man

how come ? It’s not your style

well I was listening to my gf’s ipod and I she has this song on it and it grew on me

Me and my lady share an ipod

I couldn’t do that… She doesn’t let me listen to her ipod

wait , so you can put your dirty self all over her privates and proceed to sweat over her like the greasy fugging bastard you are  and do all that shit but cant listen to her ipod.

uhm.., yeah

Wow how far we have fallen, I’m guess that any day now you’ll really have a chat with her and she will tell you she is asexual and you’ll tell her you like throat tickling but in a way she cannot provide

Seriously dude,  We’re in line

My Fault………..

A Friendly Prompt – Shout out to Marj and all my readers

“The crazy ones only laugh when there is no reason to laugh.”
― Charles Bukowski

I used to get in trouble a lot for laughing. I in fact still do. Many times I have no rational reason  to laugh and that itself is a source of laughter. Other times there is a reason but no one finds that reason funny. Let me give you an example:

Friend: Hey Dave, saw a teaching job you might like
Dave: Uhm… I’m guessing prep school
Friend: Yeah, coed prep school in the city
Dave: < Laughter >

Friend: What’s so funny
Dave: If i apply and get hired I will get only half the salary

Friend: Why ? I dont see it
Dave: Well a coed prep school in the city means $$$ …  and a different demographic…. Im going to have to pay brolic looking lesbian to accompany me everywhere
Friend: I don’t get it

Dave: You’re a pasty looking over weight man, prematurely balding. Why don’t you eat your lunches on the benches at the play ground and see how quick everyone thinks you’re a child molester… now imagine you have a very masculine lesbian sitting next to you eating humus and dry bread because she is that tough

Friend: You have a point I guess…. Uhm…so does that mean you wont apply…
Dave: Sure I will just, need to remember to wash my hands after I self-pollute, that way my sperm wont end up on someone’s homework and I get an unsubstantiated rape charge <raucous laughter>

Friend:  … ??? …..

I think we think we have a lot of time on this earth. 60 years seems a long time when you’re experimenting with your sexuality and gag reflexes in college, I wouldn’t know, that’s just what picked up from Cosmo while on line at the grocery. Then of course your mid 30′s hit, some of your classmates have passed on to the great beyond. Your body feel different, etc then 60 or 85 isnt that far off. A human life is not that long I dont feel, and I am not counting the hours we are awake physically and metaphorically. An average human being is awake for maybe an hour in a life time perhaps? Well there is sleeping, eating, post- coital stillness, commuting… most of our life is accounted for before we get a chance to plan to do anything significant.  Don’t forget the time and effort spent hating eat other, discriminating against each other, abuse animals, littering etc.

I was awake today for a minute

I stumbled onto a post about me not written by me or my ex-gfs (court order) but by a blogger: Marj of Bohemian Sentiments.  She said nice things about me and it  roused me from the somnambulism that people mistake for daily life. I got so used to the stares and the awkward silences and the lady’s grabbing their purses when I enter the elevator, and the whole I can’t date you openly because my family wouldn’t approve of your being black  but if you want to.. thing, that I forgot that there are some people, a select few people out there who enjoy my company, and words.

I guess growing up Roman catholic compliments and an unperturbed anus are both frowned upon by the establishment, you know what the priest say: spare the rod spoil the child. Sorry I am being petulant, I do that when I get compliments in a public manner. It takes the heat off me.

Seriously Now

I dont know what to say really, so I will recite a quote:

“They say there is a doorway from heart to heart, but what is the use of a door when there are no walls?”
― Rumi

It’s amazing to look back and see how so many people around the world are connected to so many other people. I really felt for Marj when I learned that her father had passed. I felt moved by the sadness and pain of another person I hadn’t met. Thats the power I think of sincerity of emotion and sincerity in communicating them, if you are open to it, you can be moved. When I look out at the world I see that we all build more and more barriers  to prevent the activities and words of another from moving us. I really feel that we are all connected, not in the hallmark or a limited religious definition of connection, but in something that is much deeper and more profound.

Death is a difficult topic and subject. It forces us to ascertain to what extent are we alive, it also forces us to deal with loss in a real way other than building barrier to better protect ourselves from being drawn in the depths of the human experience.   I don’t think that Marj should be thanking me, we should be thanking her  and everyone that openly shares their pain and grief. Because in doing so they invite us into a deeper experience of being alive if we choose to accept the invitation.

I’ll tell you a secret. I may spoon out the sugar, here on the blog but the secret is that the sugar is given to me from all these nice invitations I get from you guys the reader to enter into a deeper experience of being alive and a human being really.

here is the post just in case you

Finally It’s Time: Mr. Mary Returns a little inebriated but Happy !!!

“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep…that have taken hold.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King

It is not our part to master all the tides of the world, but

I am at a lavanderia about a week and change ago and this drunkard homeless man comes up to me smiling  and says in a heavy spanish accent: ” Happy New Year My King” He offers to shake my hand but I don’t. He looks really drunk and my lady is nearby so I cross my arms and look him in the eye. He says, “it’s OK My friend, I’m clean he extends his hand and I smile and give him the NYC fist bump.

He goes on to tell me that the señora in charge of the lavanderia locked the bathroom so he cant use it. Now he has to go on the floor like an animal, but he is rich. Why well because he is a king. He is free he tells me. He wanted to wish me and my lady well, “one king to another”, he says. He says that he knows I’ll understand what he’s telling me because I am a king too.

but to do what is in us for the succour of those years wherein we are set

This is the third time in my life that I have been called king or refer to as a king. Of course I am a Leo and my Name is David and I have heard that king David shit for a while now but I mean by strangers who don’t know my name or me. This is significant, because  right now as you are reading these words you are in my court, and instead of hovering over you in judgement I am inviting you to a new era and bountiful time for my imagined and virtual kingdom.

The King has Returned

I really needed this vacation. I rested relaxed and finally had a moments peace to look back on all I have done and accomplished the last 7 years which was the last time and first time I ever took a vacation in my life. My vision has been experienced. Yes of course I have grown wiser and have more grey hairs  to show for it. But the most important thing is that my vision is clear and I know now more what I need and want from life.

I have travelled the world… But now I must journey  further inwards… to what I really fear… it’s inside me … there is no turning back.  My training is nothing but the will to continue on is  everything. A wise man once told me that  if I made yourself more than just a man, if I devoted myself to an ideal, I’d become something else entirely. I’m ready to begin ……

beneath the clothes, we find a man… and beneath the man we find… his… nucleus.

Seriously now …

I am back in NYC for some days now . It was 70-80F in California where I was and I came back home to 16F  and snow. The dogs were happy to see me, everyone else I guess now they have someone to carry their heavy ass shit so they were sorta happy. Vacationing has opened my eyes to a lot of things and I will be sharing them over the next few day while of course doing what it is that I do here ( What do I do here again)

I want to thank everyone for the well wishes and for making me feel sexy and wanted. While I am easy unfortunately for you I ave so many layers on it wouldn’t be worth the time for me to thank you so personally so here’s to you: Click this ( this is nothing perverted, just a cool show of respect and appreciation)

 

 

 

An Inappropriate Guide to Intimacy New Years Eve Night

Today New’s Years Eve has been considered the one of the days of the year that it is easiest to get laid and by getting laid I mean sloppy trying to come to turns with bad coordination a lack of lubrication and foppishly fumbling to find the correct orifice. Yes it said that this typically is what passes for sex on New Years eve.

But out of the goodness of my heart I have decided look past my own physical discomfort and slight body pain to pen this for you. No need to thank me just follow my guide and  pass it on to another person. Lets get started!

MrMary’s Guide to Intimacy New Years Eve Night

Sex can be great and a wonderful experience, but if you are lucky enough to not be having sex with yourself tonight and another being will be there with you, and not just passively watch you masturbate (that’s marriage), but participate here are something to keep in mind.

Warning For Gentleman and Ladies

Also ladies whatever you do  please do not set high standards of performance or likeability for tonight. write a note to yourself and put it on your bathroom mirror so the next morning you wont freak out when you wake up and are sore , have stretch marks around your mouth and or have a  sprained wrist. Your low standards and subconscious curiosity may just have lead you into the over enthusiastic embrace of a gang-bang.

_____________

Gentleman,

If you have both been drinking DO NOT have sex or even talk about it. Go home and rub a few out to whatever re-run there happens to be on TV. If you are in America don’t worry, every American sitcom has a character male or female who is attractive sexually frustrated and doesn’t have the brain cells necessary to do more than maintain some personal hygiene habits.  If it must happen go out tonight with people who can corroborate your story everyone has a depressed friend  who is not going to get any even if he paid for it. Use him! Include him in your activities have him text you every hour once you pick the lady up. This will help in court

With That Out of the Way

I generally know no one will will listen to my suggestions so here it is lets get into it. Some music to set the mood that will contrast with what I am saying and provide this post with absurdity and the situational Irony you’ve so desperately needed since I have been away.

It’s like a jungle atmosphere And we’re two monkeys baby It’s like we’re on a vine The way we’re swinging it baby See, you’re a tiger girl The way you’re scratching me I’m a lion In this jungle I’m a king Girl, I got you so wet It’s like a rain forest Like Jurassic Park Except I’m your sex-a-saurus baby

# 1

This is the year the Christmas and New years Time when a lot of people are in the depths of despair. You are too but you don’t realize it because you’ve been conditioned to love the status quo. This is not the time to try anal, it will be shitty and let me tell you why. Sphincter control and alcohol consumption are not best friends. In fact they hate each other and cant be in the same room together. I heard perhaps the most disgusting new years eve sex story in my life a few days ago. You will thank me. I know your think just going for anal will be a protection in a way from those wrong hole accidents, but no for the sake of those awkward moments the next day and strange stickiness you will indubitably investigate, dont do it.

———–

Baby take your mind into a zone
Imagine that we all alone
Two ways are off and our friends are gone
Now it’s just you and me getting it on
Take my hand and come with me
Let’s indulge in fantasies
Cast your cares and worries
While we fall into this ecstasy

I’m gonna rub your body, so baby just relax
You’ve been pouring out your loving, so now its time to pour it back

#2

Ladies go easy on the oral, you’re already feeling nauseous and queasy from having to balance on those clear high heels you love so much while drinking, take this as a time to perfect your form and not try to win gold medals.

Guys – if you drink like I think and know you are, you will only be able to intermittently have an erection. Your coordination will be off, again take it easy work on your stroke, save the ball deep action or the death-stroke  for the next morning when you decide if the other person is is physically attractive enough for actual sexy-time. Bottom line there will be no grand finale or finish for either of you just enjoy the ride as bumpy and nauseating as it is.

———–

Girl, the time has come
To show and prove
I’ve seen enough I wanna feel the truth
Put your voodo on me babe
Kiss my lips
And curse me babe
Show me how you do your magic babe
Lead me to your secret jungle babe

3 #

Carry hygiene necessities  on your person before you leave the house, the next morning you can freshen up and the goodbye kiss won’t taste like sperm, ball-sack, and other assorted bodily fluids, cigarettes, beer, and cheap vodka.

Try to tidy up a bit right afterwards. Shower or just clean yourself off in the sink. It will help in the morning especially if you have to rush off somewhere. You don’t wont to be the guy/girl on public mass transit or in a taxi cab that sticks up the joint because you smell like you had sex and it dried up all on you and marinated (dry marination)

_______

Finally

Don’t Worry about the other person judging you, your both nasty and inhibited.  Enjoy your  decent into the seeming moral somnolence you have denied yourself for years.  Also anything you are going to engage in sexual activity please use protection. I don’t mean UV sunglasses or holy water which I should have used on some women in the past.

How does it Feel ?

How does it feel
How does it feel
Said I wanna know how does it feel
How does it feel
How does it feel

I wanna stop
Silly little games U and me play
And I am feeling right on ……………..

Someone Restored my faith in blogging

I’m not saying that to be overly congratulatory. I don’t have it in me. I’m saying that because I mean it.

I blog, under the pseudonym of MrMary MuthaFucking Poppins, and  I have an attitude problem. Well I hate being insincere.  I don’t have a schtick or a gimmick. The same way I am on the blog, I am in life. I like many different things and they are  all reflected here. What gets me is that sometimes I wonder if there is anyone being real anymore in this sort of setting.  I mean what about the person behind the jokes, what about you the real fucking person.

Normally this wouldn’t be an issue for me. The other day I had a slight depressive episode, and I couldn’t write, talk much, or go and comment on blogs and all that shit. I find that when I am depressed, if I dwell in the feeling too long it becomes all encompassing. The things that help return back to normalcy are watching/reading about something real. It takes me out of my own mind which can be a prison and it stirs up real emotions which are my ticket back to reality.

Normally when I read blogs, I am most attracted to “realness”, to sincerity.  Sometimes I feel that the same crap that I thoroughly dislike in my daily life manifests itself in the blogosphere. But what troubles me is that I cannot tell if what I see is really the case because depression colours the lens through which I perceive the world. I do a lot of blog surfing and sometimes fit seems that people blogging are trying to sell me on the fact that they are funny, or hip, or cool, or they are good looking when to me they just have to be. Not funny or witty, just be.  Personally I find a woman who can be herself without being a billboard for socio-cultural constructs pretty attractive. Granted it helps if she doesn’t have penis or beard, has a pony tail and prefers doggy style to missionary but that’s a different story. (Sorry I had to go for that joke)

Do you get what I’m saying?

I am more than willing to concede that I may just be a mad man howling in the wind, the proverbial idiot telling the wind my tale so it cna bring my lamentation beyond the field of my vision.

Blogging is Tough but rewarding

I can generate content easy for blogs. There are many auxiliary things that come with blogging. For me  blogging comes with a conflict. I want to produce quality content, well what for me passes as quality. I also really enjoy interacting with those of you who like the refuse that comes out of my head and like and comment. It’s a delicate balance  between writing and answering everyone for me at least.

I got a chance to read a post from the lady with the 150 watt smile. While she refers to herself simple as Becca, and is clear funny and cute, if I may say so, she is a person of substance. I have the opportunity to work with for an upcoming blog tour but she really put of a real post that was helpful to me.

Instead of leaving a comment on her page I just decided to share with you all this post and take you along the journey, through the obfuscating mentation, and cantakerous diction.

Hear is the Post:

Hanging Up the Tutu

I refrained from some dirty tutu jokes  this whole post are you proud of me ?

 

No Points for riding it Doggy Style

Female Friend: Hey mrmary’s real name is this Cute ?
MrMary: It’s a dog on a skateboard …
Female Friend: yeah he is so cuuuuutttteee…. !!!!!
MrMary: from the way you squealed I’m sure all the dogs in the fucking neighborhood heard that shit.

Female Friend: You’re such a grouch sometimes
MrMary: I’m not a grouch, just not impressed
Female Friend: Why aren’t you impressed?
MrMary: The Dog has four legs ?
Female Friend: Yeah and ?

MrMary: If I had four legs I could ride a skate board real well , no point no extra credit for riding it doggy-style.
Female friend: Say it louder so everyone can hear…
MrMaryOk…. NO POINTS FOR RIDING IT DOGGY STYLE

Female Friend: So what’s impressive to you
MrMary: Simple shit, animals being animals, not animal taught to do stuff to make us feel better or superior or laugh because of a visual absurd  recapitulation of human activity….

Female Friend: Ok …uhm what are you talking about..?
MrMary: (sigh) ok a tapir doing tapir shit is impressive to me

Female Friend What’s impressive about a tapir
MrMary: It has a prehensile penis

Female: Prehensile … ?
MrMary: Prehensile meaning it can grab shit
Female Friend:  huhnnn

Mrmary: Pass me your smart fone

Female Friend: I dont know why I talk to you
Mrmary: because you dont Read and need more age appropriate vocab/

 

A Great Cartoon by Cyanide and Happiness that made me chuckle

Showing that Blogger Love: The Reasons I like being a man

Yesterday I showed some blogger love to the lovely  blogger of the  So I Went Undercover blog.  I read a post of hers The Curse of Eve: Reasons I Hate Being a Woman   and it moved me. After I freshened up I decided to write a post about the reasons I hate being a man. Today the ante has been up hmmm, and I read Ms Undercover’s On The Other Hand: Reasons I Love Being a Woman.

It seems that the want to rub a little salt in my wounds was a partial inspiration for Ms Undercover’s post today. Of course since I am the kind of person who on the one hand enjoys being rubbed, and  cannot leave well enough alone with the other hand (I’m hygienic) I give you

The Reasons I like Being a Man

DISCLAIMER: This is meant to be a JOKE.  You know Ha-Ha funny kinda of joke. If You take this seriously then you just may be a joke.

Side Note: Notice how perspicacious I am, notice the range of my powers of perception. Yesterday I had the feeling that Ms. Undercover was quite the attractive woman. Her post today proves it. Don’t listen to her remarks that her sexy has gone. She’s just being humble.

Reason  # 1

A good breeze means so much more when your genitals are on the outside.

Reason # 2

As a man most facial scars  and laceration cement my status as  a bad boy, or circus performer either way i get chicks.

Reason # 3

In some way shape and form all those toys where you add a little water and watch them grow were originally inspired by you guessed it. A little wetness goes a long way

Reason #4

See reason #3 , as a man I bullshit and exaggerate a lot. It is my bread and butter but I am aware of it, and only in rare cases do I believe the fucking nonsense that I say.

Reason # 5

As a man, I am considered defective in communicating my emotions. I start out with a handicap though I don’t need it. Actually most dudes I know are fucking ignorant, degenerate, goons.  I don’t have to do much to stand above the crowd. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. The bar is set really low.

Reason #6

No one wonders if I am easy or tries to ask me vague questions to find out how easily I will give it up, and if I am easy and don’t get AIDS or some random STD I am considered cool for some reason. And as a heterosexual no one has ever said to me “Spit or swallow?”SO much less pressure.

Reason # 7 No Pretending

When a group of men and or women are telling a dirty or saucy joke and I bust into the convo, no one pretends they are really politically correct or stops the convo because I am easily offended. I don’t have to pretend I’m freshening up by turning on the water in the bathroom and dropping a deuce. I don’t have to pretend that 3 lettuce leafs and one piece of bread is a filling breakfast. I don’t have to pretend I like my co-workers and even the co-workers I hate aren’t trying to destroy me

Reason # 8 The best Reason.

As a heterosexual I get to go on dates with women. They appreciate my foot massages skills and my self-taught cooking and pastry skills. They smell nice and can do all the stuff I cannot do (self-fellating puts too much strain on the neck) like wear sexy lingerie, and laugh at my stupid jokes (well I can do that but it’s not as nice). I can write a blog full of non-sense like this blog and have primarily women readers and commenters. I can share difficult episodes of my life, and they send nice emails of encouragement and support when I share painful events where after many years I am unable to shed a tear about.

So for all my female readership this is one of my favorite James Brown songs

Related articles

• Showing that Blogger Love: Reason I Hate Being a Man (aspoonfulofsuga.wordpress.com)
• Hi I’m David The site’s Author & A blogger may have been tortured to death in an Iranian jail (aspoonfulofsuga.wordpress.com)
• MrMary’s 2012 “Have You Been Experienced Blog Tour” || Showing Some Love for My Followers (aspoonfulofsuga.wordpress.com)
• My Interview w/Ms. Jen&Tonic a recently Freshly Pressed Blogger (aspoonfulofsuga.wordpress.com)
• Showing that Blogger Love: Check out The jesscvt Blog (aspoonfulofsuga.wordpress.com)

Showing that Blogger Love: Reason I Hate Being a Man

I was inspired to write this after I read The Curse of Eve: Reasons I Hate Being a Woman. You all should check her out !!!  Her blog I mean. I’m sure she is quite fine in person.

DISCLAIMER: This is meant to be a JOKE.  You know Ha-Ha funny kinda of joke. If You take this seriously then you jsut may be a joke.

Reasons I hate Being  Man

Reason # 1

I don’t live as long as my female counterparts, I don’t know if that is a gift or blessing but I kind feel left out

Reason # 2

Turn out that I can get woken up from the libidinous clutches of sleep to investigate sounds or kill insects. There is nothing more absurd than walking investigating strange sounds half asleep with a boner. It is one of the original Commandments  Thou shall not bludgeon thy female neighbours ass  (a lot of grey area with legal interpretation concerning this commandment)

Reason # 3 Had to learn about gentleness subtlety

I didn’t naturally come knowing about subtlety or tact. For example turns out my  over development of  leg and lower back strength didn’t help out my intimate relationships especially when my lady friend had to wake up early for work the next morning. Now by default I rut like an old man:  slow and ugly.

Reason # 4   Movies

Sometimes I have to not only watch movies but pretend to be into it. It’s not my fault I am genetically predisposed to plotless stories with love, violence explosions, car chases, hot girls, and people getting beat-down.

Reason # 5 Arguments

I was born not being interested in winning arguments. So I have no compulsion to win them. Even if I had that inclination I could not. So I stay silent but my silence is always misconstrued and  misappropriated which is why dudes have arguments with other dudes over completely trivial stuff like the weather, the quickest way to get to work, i.e  meaningless stuff where there is a clear winner.

Reason # 6 Other Dudes

There are other dudes that always try to show off and exert what little power hey think they have on you by force and administration of pain, we call them the police where I am from.

Reason #7 Oprah

She tells women all kinds of crazy bullshit that some actually believe.

How MrMary Learned how NOT to approach women

Being an older brother to a younger sister I was taught the value of respecting and treating women correctly, and so far that training has come in handy. I keep the lights off and don’t ask about whether they should be on.  However there was an odd occurrence which happened on rainy day at the Franklin Ave 2,3 and 4,5 train station in Brooklyn.

Those days, I was very angry. I thought working out with a bunch of other guys who were bitter and malcontent would help reduce it and it did. We worked out and talked a lot of shit. We also drank at school. Vodka and bench pressing in retrospect do not make much sense but I guess we were young and stupid. We were an odd mix of chemists, electrical, biomedical and computer science majors with huge chips on our shoulders. So for 5 days a week 2-3 hours a day, we lifted together, had lunch together, talked massive amounts of shit together. I went from 185lbs to 245lbs which for a guy 5’9 was crazy.

As one of my female friend at the time said, it looked like we went to jail to work out. One of my work out buddies told me actually that I reminded him of his dog (a pit bull rottweiler mix). His dog was so angry and aggressive they couldn’t even bring a bitch in heat into his enclosure just to throw him a bone, uhm figuratively.

The most Uncomfortable Train Ride Ever

As typical one hot humid NYC summer day changed to one filled with angry thunderstorms. I didn’t have an umbrella and got thoroughly soaked. While waiting for a connecting train at the station in question, a guy with a lisp came up to me and asked me for the time. I told him and then he asked me a bunch of bullshit questions to which out of politeness I answered.  I didn’t suspect anything at the time until he asked me if I lived around the neighbourhood. Maybe he could call me sometime. I was shocked and confused. First off what about me said I was gay. OK yes the shirt was tight and it clung to me like a second skin because I got caught in the rain but seeing as how I had this love affair with the female body and the ladies, I couldn’t see why he had approached me. Then all of a sudden I realized he didn’t want the time, he wanted me. I was being hit on. (That Brown Suga, can’t fuck wid it)

It was flattering. In my head I was  like yeah man all those super-sets and drop sets really paid off, but in a sort of nasty way. I am by no means a homophobe if your idea of fun is an all The-Dick-You-Can-Eat buffet, then by all means dive in, go balls deep. I just personally felt highly uncomfortable. Luckily my train came before things could get more awkward. I didn’t answer and walked on the train. Unfortunately he walked on too. It was highly uncomfortable being oggled like meat flavoured candy for the 3-4 stops. The repeated attempts at eye contact was annoying as was his trying to signal me. I  wanted to vomit. This was the most uncomfortable train ride ever especially if you throw into the mix the lewd tongue and hand gesture he made to me, right before I left one station before my stop.

This was even worse than being stuck in the train cart with the flatulent homeless guy sleeping five feet away.

Results

Full Irish Breakfast Figuratively

I walked home a bit paranoid clenching all the way for my own safety and protection.  I felt like a sombre youth walking the streets on a hot summer day of Ancient Greece, with all the wrong people trying to cheer me up with promises of freshly squeezed juice and a few oily olives – the Greek Breakfast as it is known in county (jail) after lights out. [While I'm glad the Irish & English breakfast has surpassed the Greek breakfast in popularity  blood sausage and white pudding aren’t much of an improvement] From that day on I always remembered my umbrella.

I learned some valuable tips on how not to approach women from this uncomfortable incident.  When I got home that day I immediately saw flashing before my eyes all the times I had seen ladies put up with the horrible pick up lines delivered, the uncomfortable and creepy come-ons, stalking and cat-calls. I gained a lot of respect for women that day, having to put up with all that.

More To Be Said Later

MrMary

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Jocular Look @Today’s news || Let these sexy ski instructors help improve your skills on the slopes

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As temperatures drop and winter begins to tighten its hold on the northern hemisphere, many people’s minds turn to having some fun racing down the slopes. So why not get excited for the season with some shots of actual ski and snowboard instructors posing in the snow while wearing very little clothing? The shots are part of a 2013 calendar shot by photographer Hubertus von Hohenlohe and designed by artistic director Thomas Ebster. And yes, all the ladies appearing are actual instructors, and interestingly, the pair say they were criticized for not showing enough skin. Everyone’s a critic. Click through the gallery, and get ready for your favorite winter sports.

MrMary Weighs In

Uhm I never thought of there being a sexual subtext to skiing. I mean does anyone see anything sexual with crashing head first into bush, or going down at faster and faster speeds to get it over with. Who wouldn’t want love to work my way around the slopes and curves of a good course. I love the winter scenery, it’s quite easy to get caught up by the scenario that it’s easy to crash head-first Sonny Bono style into bush.  Ok Jokes aside can one ski with an erection, I would imagine waxing your pole will make you weak in the knees and that can’t be good for skiing ?

Seriously

After the usual jokes this gets very boring. I wonder are we so prudish that we will shell money out for some half dressed chicks? Who buys this stuff ? Then again I look at most movies nowadays that try to exploit our prudishness by pandering to certain demographics with promises of gratuitous nudity. It’s not like Megan Fox can act but for some reason dudes flocked to see her in the crappy films she happened to be in.

I have always wondered about how prudishness affects relationships. I read this recently what do you think:

“Prudishness has created a situation of relative difficulty in men and women coming together and enjoying dating or their relationship. It hastens people into often ill-fitting marital unions in a misguided effort to avoid pre-marital sex. It has perpetuated a tacit quid-pro-quo in dating, where dating for it’s own sake, is viewed by many as the man taking advantage of the woman. It is one where women, not wanting to be castigated as easy or a slut, cannot simply enjoy a sexual relationship for it’s own sake, but must make pretense at there being a definite future for each encounter she engages in. The result can be an endless string of rebound relationshipsand a propensity to try to badger whomever the “homme du jour” might be, into proposing prematurely.

What do you think do you agree ? disagree ?

Related articles

• Ice maidens! Ski instructors peel off their thermals for raunchy calendar shoot in the snow (dailymail.co.uk)
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An Excerpt from MrMary’s Definitive Guide To Sleeping well at Night

The Lovely Ms Jen and Tonic wrote a post that I reblogged today called How-to: Suckage Revisited. In it she enumerates the 20 NEW things everyone needs to stop doing. The list is quite exhaustive and poignant however  I thought maybe I could add somethings to the list or rather take the list a totally different direction. But before I do that I would like to say a few things.

Disclaimer

I am not a famous person or some sort of moral authority. Rather I am a pragmatist in every sense of the word. These are the following things I practice in my own life that have helped me maintain some semblance of sanity in my day. Please consult with a doctor before trying any of these techniques, may not be goo to try if you have a previous heart condition or take MAoi inhibitors.

MrMary Guide To Sleeping well at Night

Everyone is expendable. No one is so important that they couldn’t be sufficiently replaced. This to me applies to all relationships, personal, romantic, familial, collegiate, work-based. It’s best to keep this in mind especially when we have to interact with people. Everyone on the basis of their being born deserve a basal amount of respect. To me in an odd way a homeless man is just as important as a rich man though they may not be so in the eyes of many people. To imagine that we are better than someone or more valuable than someone else is to forget that we are expendable. There is never any reason for meanness, life is too fucking short.

Words to me are sacred, because the human voice is infinitely fragile and delicate. More often than not silence is better than speech.  Speaking just to speak is just as bad as eating just to eat. Human beings are social animals which means to me that words and interaction are just as important a food as food itself and its a create misdeed to devalue the worth of words by empty words. There are some people whose entire day can be changed by a single smile or nice word. The more we are engaged in useless banter of any form the less we are aware of the needs of the people who cross our path.

If you are an atheist, or a Christian, or a Muslim or a Buddhist, a feminist, whatever you follow doesn’t give you the right to be an ass to someone else about their belief or to continually attack their credibility as a human being for their beliefs. That just makes you an asshole. What you believe is personal and should stay to yourself.  Large sweeping generalization that lump massive amounts of people together should be avoided in public. I think that it would be much more of a boon to society to focus on being a human being  first then try to work on the adjectives if ya get me.

No matter how much yoga you do, no matter how much you contribute to Save the Children, or open doors for people, or help old women across the street or eat whole wheat and extra fiber You will always be a bit of a hypocrite and heedless. Nothing wrong with that. Turning a blind eye to that or not apologizing when you get called out on it is fucked up.

& Finally

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Everyone’s an Asshole but We can work with that

by MrMary

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10 Steps to Solving Your Mental Incontinence