Disclaimer: When I started this bitterly pressed series it was to poke fun at WordPress‘ Freshly Pressed. At the time anyone who baked anything that looked edible or too high resolution pictures of insects or nature scenes got freshly Pressed. Now things are different and I have no gripe with WordPress. So I decided to use the bitter Pressed Series to vent my quotidian vitriol. The commentary is dark, as is the humour and my skin colour. There will be a lot of offensive things said but all in good fun. If you are not down with that check out another one of my posts
I came across an article that egregiously insulted my intelligence. I had to write a post refuting this article with a noxious spew of acrid verbal ejaculations. The article is entitled:
7 Ways Exercise Can Prevent Infidelity
Exercise cannot prevent infidelity any more than regular stretching can prevent pain from anal. This article ignores some basic facts about human beings. Once we’re in a long term relationship we spend what’s left of our free time trying to entertain ourselves by looking for new stimuli. There are 200 channels on cable/direct TV, hundreds if not thousands of apps for your SMART phone or favourite electronic device. There are hundreds of cocktails you can drown your sorry existence in. We seek variety, we crave it, we pine for it, the need for variety and novelty is embedded in our history as a species and yet we fool ourselves into thinking that one person will satisfy us when one “anything” has never done so before.
The Truth About Infidelity
Infidelity occurs because you cannot and will never be able to consistently satisfy your partner as completely as they want to be satisfied. Infidelity starts as a psychological condition that eventually manifests physically. By the time we have observed infidelity in action the psychological condition has metastasised . Don’t believe me ?
For the Ladies
Ladies you are happy, house is clean,there’s money in both bank accounts and you are 455 closer to that asinine excuse of a vacation in the islands. Then while in your reverie, your man comes home. He was never much of a talker but he is extra silent. He greets you as he normally would but there is no warmth in it, there is no sign of life behind his eyes. Right before you launch into an excessively long conversation he lets out a heavy sigh. You pause, and hold off telling him the 5 things he needs to change about himself and his world view to give your syphilitic life meaning. You know something is off but he wont tell you.
I’ll tell you. He is at a stage in his life where he remembers what it was like to be an independent being. To have thoughts not interrupted by your incessant demands for entertainment and comfort. He is slowly the more and more he is with you, losing what sense of what it means to be an individual. There is nothing you can do to fix this and actually the more you do, the more you hasten the eventual conclusion of this behaviour. He will resort to going through the motions of his life and the best part of him will be saved for a internal fantasy that you are not part of. It just so happens that the younger women at his job, or down the hall or at the bar will subconsciously pick up on these vibes and knows that if she makes him feel for a minute like a man, if she give him just a little taste of freedom he will go balls deep into that with the fury of a seasoned prisoner in the shower when the new inmates arrive.
For the Guys
Guys – have you noticed your lady just doing some repetitive task quietly? She has this lost and forlorn look in her eyes. She is off in space. See she wants a family in the future, but the world is so large, there are so many things to see. How does one balance the need for novelty for exploration with the need for the expression of a deep seated maternal instinct? Your immaturity and having the emotional intelligence of wet toilet paper doesn’t help. yeah You hang with friend and still make time for her but at night when you tune out with the TV and leave the dishes undone and through your silence, reduce her to a domestic task master, you have effectively silenced her self expression in all the settings you share. Neither of you has matured and your respective baggage become the the barbed wire barrier to any sort of deeper connection. Then some guy gives her attention. He sees her as a person. He can sense that she doesn’t need the maxi-pads with wings because there are so many cob-web down there. The walls of Jericho and Troy eventually fell, it’s only a matter of time before someone lights a torches and cleans up the webs and starts a mining operation.
The post industrials age has reduced us to mere consumers, goaded forward by the rewards of our most basal drives.We cannot connect well with ourselves and with others. All our relationships are saturated with feelings of inferiority and failure before they get serious. Until we address this issue, relationships have a slimmer and slimmer chance of being healthy and progressing past sexual indiscretion punctuated by sad attempts at civility. BOTTOM LINE:Exercise wont prevent cheating!!!!!!!!!!!!
Debunking this Bullshit Article
BULLSHIT Stress is unhealthy to your life in an uncountable number of ways. When you’re stressed, your testosterone lowers, you store more body fat, and your body produces cortisol (the “anti-testosterone”) which cripples any confidence or dominance you might have in the relationship. When you work out, stress disappears, and so do all those nasty chemicals that come with it.
THE REALITY – It’s not that biochemically many things happen with cortisol production – that was a bullshit statement. Working out is a stress on the body. I’ve people who have cheated because they weren’t stressed because everything was going good and they needed excitement
BULLSHIT There are plenty of excuses when a partner cheats and one of the most common ones is: “He let himself go and doesn’t work out,” or “She gained 50 pounds after we got married.” It’s your responsibility to stay sexy for the life of your relationship and luckily exercise is a very controllable way to do this.
THE REALITY – Just because you look better doesn’t mean your spouse will say yes! Your spouse whether male or female is petty and wants to hold a grudge and make you pay for every past transgression. If and when sex happens it will be as bland and meaningless as your childhood.
BULLSHIT: If you’re working out regularly, you will have very healthy testosterone levels. As you can guess, adding these hormones to your body makes you more confident, tougher, and a hell of a lot better in the sack. If you are giving your mate the ride of her life, then there’s little incentive for her to look elsewhere.
REALITY: The reality of this will be that, if you are a guy with all that extra testosterone you will be beating your dick like it owes you money in the shower, or if your a woman your box will resemble the Toy R Us warehouse given how filled and stacked with toys it’s going to be. You fundamentally like your spouse but in a weird way you’re tired of their shit and have no one knows what you like best then your imagination because face it, you stopped being a human being after highschool graduation when you entered willingly into the college slave ship to be shaped nad moulded in a sexless, thoughtless drone.
BULLSHIT: If you’re working out regularly, your body is shooting with endorphins which make you more cheerful and better to be around. Having a powerful vibrancy will make your partner feel very magnetically connected to you and make him or her want to feel some of that energy you’re giving off.
THE REALITY: you didn’t even like those stupid magnetic toys and things you put on your fridge as a child save all that magnetic bullshit for the empty-headed patrons of your local incense, cool rocks/crystals that will to change your energy type-stores. If you’re an asshole being cheery or feeling better won’t make you less of an asshole. Here’s a fucking idea, that money you spend on a gym membership use it instead to abuse hallucinogenic plants which have known side affects of calmness , peacefulness, apathy. Same shit. You’re using the working out as a tool to feel better, not as a tool to understand how you feel what you feel. You’re using it superficially so you will get superficial not-lasting results just like bleaching your asshole (its only good for 2 hours then you take your first shit..)
You Fight Less w/Your Partner
BULLSHIT: Some fighting is always going to happen when you’re in a relationship, but a lot of this gets taken care of simply by taking a romp on the treadmill or doing your free-weights routine.
This picture is unreal as this bullshit that fighting less will prevent you from cheating, old people only fuck in a slow an ugly fashion, there is no happiness in senility
THE REALITY: First off arguments just don’t happen during the times when the gym is open and empty for you to come in, sweat all over and effectively abuse the equipment. Working out will maybe help get some tension out for you but what about that narcissistic troll you live with. Chances are they will want to stew in the emotion and dwell on it while your in the gym so they can unleash unknowable amounts of vitriol on you. You see what happens, your spouse can’t yell back at their supervisor or boss, they cannot yell at their parents for ruining their life, or their ex-boyfriends who tea-bagged them/fucked them over some how and never called the next day.
You on the other hand because you “love” this people have become a toilet for all their shit. While they went and spew all their noxious shit at you you contemplate leaving but you wont because your a pussy, your comfortable and will only have to get with someone else to have the same shit happen.
What about make up sex you say?
One physically nice moment between two horrors. Its like that 5 minute stretch you get to give your legs between bouts of gut wrenching diarrhoea, yeah it feels good but so what.
You’re Less Available
BULLSHIT: The fact is that when you’re at the gym… you’re not at home and you’re not on dates with your significant other.
THE REALITY: You’re now physically unavailable but you have been emotional psychologically and mentally checked out for awhile now
The Jealousy Card
BULLSHIT: A little jealousy can be a powerful part of maintaining a romantic relationship. The truth is that when you say you’re going to the gym, your partner will know you’re around a lot of hard-bodied members of the opposite sex and that your eyes will probably be wandering.
REALITY: When your spouse gets jealous they will only further get insecure about themselves and a whole host of personal self-identity issues will come up creating more problems for you as they will soon close in on themselves to contemplate their own self-worth. How does that extra meal of insecurity anxiety that you just got served with taste like?
Other Bitterly Pressed Episodes:
- Bitterly Pressed Fall Edition: Here’s a Hot Cup of Hate for WordPress’s Freshly Pressed
- Bitterly Pressed: The Best that Autumn has to Offer
- Bitterly Pressed: Notes on the Toilet After a day as a Vegan
- Bitterly Pressed: The Market’s Loose Women Selection Has Improved Lately (Humor)
- Bitterly Pressed: The War on Terror, Religion, and A Woman called Dick-sitter
- Bitterly Pressed: 10 Things I Wont Do in 2012 Part 1
- I have this shame that won’t go – A Satirical Open Letter to WordPress about Freshly Pressed