A lot of you liked the Overthinking it Cartoon post or found it interesting. So I posted this as a follow up
Another beer commercial with nothing to do with anything.
A lot of you liked the Overthinking it Cartoon post or found it interesting. So I posted this as a follow up
Another beer commercial with nothing to do with anything.
Granted this was posted by Eminem’s daughter but still this is just proof of something I emphatically have been saying for a long time. She is an emotional vampire that takes her pain mixes it with tht of others around her and channels it into an album.
Notice though the type of pain she absorbs. She isn’t singing about the single mom Ms Jenkins Working 2-3 jobs who has a trifling boyfriend that wont man up. She isn’t singing about this chick I know who is working and going to school and sending $$ back home to support her family. She doesn’t sing about real life shit. As is said where I’m from:
See my other posts on this
Break out the Brylcreem, boys, raving beauty Scarlett Johansson is single again. Word is she dumped Nate Naylor last week after a year-long relationship. Not a bad run for a celeb-non-celeb matchup. Sexy Scarlett’s at no loss for admirers both inside and outside of Hollywood, and if she’s feeling lonely, Twitter is chock full o’ offers under #ASmallChanceIsStillAChance like @SamieRudd’s “Dinner date in Melbourne Scarlett?” But simmer down boys, Scarlett may not have time for romantic suppers until after the presidential election since she’s pretty busy supporting her main man, Obama, what with last month’s dramatic DNC appearance and now a newly released Mitt-is-bad-for-women ad. [Source.]
As a man, I want to tell you most of us don’t give a shit if Ms Johansson is single. A lot uncouth guys are interesting in the usual one night lascivious meat plugging hole-filling conquest. Don’t get me wrong Ms Johannson is good-looking but so what so am I ? and guess what because I am good-looking all my friends and the people they attract are good-looking as well, if you read and like this blog there is a 98.679% chance you are amazingly attractive. Like attracts like.
Really how many people can relate to this chic. She has a great smile ( so did my grandmother, she had great dentures). The reality of the fact is that the Scarlet Johansson we see is unreal and let me tell you why. Whenever we see her it’s in an unnatural environment of lights reporters, on yachts off the coast of Italy with bodyguards, movie premieres. This isn’t real life. Even when she isn’t on the seen by virtue of her juxtaposition in these places creates obscures whomever she is. What people are attracted to is what she represents to them they are attracted by their own mental projects grafted onto whatever image of her is au current at the moment.
She is an actress, and her movies seem quite popular. I liked her in the Avengers. She is passionate about politics and humanitarian work and she seems like an all around good person. But that’s my point it’s easy to pine after something you have no knowledge about, Hollywood and the whole entertainment industry is built on this principle. Each star or famous person is a mirror that returns to us a distorted image of ourselves and that is what we ultimate at the root of it desire: an encounter with ourselves outside the trappings of our quotidian existence.
In a move sure to endear him to millions of women, a lovelorn Long Island millionaire has sued the matchmakers he hired to make him a match. Even though six different agencies set him up over the past 12 years with 250 women — including a Knicks dancer, surely the zenith of ambition for rich Long Island dudes — securities trader Larry Greenfield says they haven’t done enough to aid him in his search for “a woman who meets his exacting standards: beautiful, thin, smart, Jewish, a sense of humor and from New York — but not an ‘alpha.’” C’mon, ladies, he can’t be that bad. As he puts it, “I haven’t been to prison. It’s very frustrating.”
I have nothing against rich people. This guy is a cocksucker though. At no point did he say, maybe I am a douche bag. I notice with a lot of people including myself at times, that when they are facing or dealing with a problem they never ask what is it I am doing to contribute to this ?
Money really can’t buy you love — just ask this picky multimillionaire on Long Island. Lonely securities trader Larry Greenfield, 47, has plunked down more than $65,000 on high-end matchmaking services — all in the hopes of finding his ideal wife. After trying six different agencies over the past 12 years — and seeing 250 women — without success, the bachelor is blasting the expensive dating services as a “rip-off.” But the matchmakers are firing back, saying Greenfield wants women who are simply out of his league.
He spent $65,000 on high end match making services and went out with 250 women! 250 women. I cannot even name 250 distinct women I have met throughout the course of my life!!!!! The idea here is that the more I pay the better chances of my finding a wife which is bullshit. I think you can rely on a site to just introduce you to people , but if your an unrelenting cock sucker you cant blame them because after dropping $65,000 you still jerking off to pictures of money.
I would feel sorry for the women he ends up marrying, she will be deep down at the root of it, an acquirement, an acquisition. I spent money and I got this lady simply supply and demand. I would imagine he would lavish her with gifts to get her to live a certain life style .
Just my two cets
As some of you know I love cooking. I was ready to start the enrollment procedure at the French Culinary which means begging some bank for a loan. But luckily due some some good work I did as an undergrad I got my graduate degree paid for. People really think I am smart and believe in me it seems. But I cook for fun, to entertain guest, and to relax. If I cook something for you then it means I like you, and we are cool. If I make a decadent dessert then it means you’re a lady and I want to put some stuff in your box for safe-keeping. If You are a female friend of mine I’ll make the dessert but u got to bring something, like a side or drinks etc. When I moved out of my place I put all my things in storage, my food processor, electric mixer. Today I was happy I got a chance to cook and i tried to do the best with what I had which was sparse and so here is my :
I made this at 2:30 Am last night. My parents came in late from work (pops is retired and mom still work the late shift at the hospital) My pops was looking for something to eat, and my sister since bought a rice cooker has been making rice like the shits goin outta style. We had some fancy arugula, baby spinach and fancy-bullshit salad.
I dunno why but I bought flank steak a few days ago and decided to that since it is a dense kind of cut of meat i would marinate it for a bit, 2 days worth
Some Info about Flank Steak
The flank steak is a beef steak cut from the abdominal muscles of the cow. A relatively long and flat cut of meat, flank steak is used in a variety of dishes including London broil and fajitas. It is significantly tougher than the other beef cuts; therefore, many recipes use moist Flank steak is best when it has a bright red color. Because it comes from a strong, well-exercised part of the cow, it is best prepared when cut across the grain. Flank steak is frequently used in Asian cuisine, and in Chinese markets it is often sold as “stir-fry beef” because that is how it is usually prepared. Most stir-fried beef dishes in Cantonese restaurants are prepared with this cut of beef.
cooking methods such as braising.
I learned about cooking flank steak from an older chinese gentleman I am honored to call a friend. He informed to cut thin, and cook it on high heat on the wok and some other secrets I cannot give away. So i though to make a sorta asian inspired sorta marinade. this is important I guess because I ended up using a shot of gin in the marinade.
I wanted to go with the spicy/sweet sorta thing. When you make flank steak and cook it too long it becomes tough and dry and taste like old vag, not that I have but imagine years of weathering use and pickling made it tough like a leather baseball glove.
I am a big fan of Bombay Sapphire Gin. Why? because it is smooth and is infused with an interesting variety of botanicals. It has a pronounced spicy taste, a nice kick to it. There is Plymouth Gin which is great as well, but I really like Bombay Sapphire. Bombay Sapphire uses the following botanical: Juniper berries, lemon peel, coriander, almonds, orris root, cubeb berries, Cassia bark, Liquorice Grains of Paradise and angelica. Whats better is that these flavors are infused into the gin through an interesting vaporization process but anyways its a subtle of flavor and the spicy I wanted to use here
The meat gets broken down a bit when sliced thinly and cut across the grin (provide you cook at most medium rare to medium) it will be very tender and just fucking amazing, and very flavorful.
Lately I haven’t been drinking much wine, mostly beer and cocktails and I figured the steak and the sorta Asian space palette would go well with a cocktail or beer. I had a beer but if I was to make a cocktail to go with it it would be the following, and guess what Gin I am using…
(Makes 1 drink)
2 1/2 ounces gin
1/2 ounce fresh squeezed lime juice
3/4 ounces liquefied honey or sugar water
Shake all ingredients together in a cocktail shaker with ice. Strain and pour straight up or on the rocks. Garnish with a lime slice. Food pairing: This Sweet Ginger Brown pairs well with red meat such as steak or lamb.
Note on the cocktail - this recipe uses no ginger but traditionally it had ginger in it. I am thinking a ginger infused simple syrup would be used. Also I have seen this made with rum, however i think the fresh lime Juice, paired with gin, in particular Bombay sapphire which has a distinct citrus note make it really fitting for this style of marinated red meat.I would still use 3/4 ounce of my ginger infused simple syrup or a rich syrup 1/2 oz fresh lime and 2.5 oz of Bombay Sapphire. I would add them to my shaker in that order as well.
The beer pairing Id go for here would be an American Red Lager or an even better choice would be a good Pilsner in these case Brooklyn Brewery pilsner was quite good paring. Why you ask ? ….
Being a delicate, light, unobtrusive beer, Pilsners are incredibly versatile with a variety of foods. Its clean and crisp and provides palate-cleansing bitterness, high carbonation, and malty sweetness. It will cut right through a spicy dish such as Thai, Vietnamese, Indian, Mexican, or Jamaican food,
To cook a good steak you have to start off with the pan on high heat to sear both sides and sear in the flavors and juices. Also after it has reached the done-ness you’d like you have to let it sit for a 5 minutes otherwise if u cut it right away all the juices will come out and it will be dry. Another secret thing I do is I have a whole garlic glove in the pan and after I turn over the first time in my pan mid way through cooking the other side I add a table spoon of butter. I then after it melts spoon it over the top of the steak. You would not believe how amazing this makes the steak taste. Also of course i use olive oil first to cook it. After I take out the steaks I throw away the garlic clove add some finely diced onion, and some jalapeno from the can who juice i used in the marinade, and I saute them in the pan that i just took the steak out of. After they get a bit transparent I add a little water ( you can add some stock or a little bit of the booze you to marinate just watch out for the flames) and u pick up all the flavors stuck to the pan. I added the marinade to the pan and reduce it down by half and then I strained it through a fine strainer added a little thickening agent, but not much use that for a sauce over the steak and voila. You could also serve this with grilled red potatoes and blanched asparagus or string beans seasoned with bit of salt/pepper and butter
You’ze Fuggin Guys
Wassup! We are gonna get right into it.
My sister came to me and asked: MrMary’s Real name, How come there is no such thing as a trophy husband. This question made me laugh and exposed a fallacy in thinking that I want to debunk right now.
A young, attractive wife regarded as a status symbol for an older man.
A women who will divert thoughts that u secret pine to sit on and be eviscerated by dick
If you look at all the TV and movies, you just came come to believe that women are our better halves. They are calmer and gentler and smell much better. There is a redeeming quality to women in stories and mythology. A man’s life isn’t complete I was told till he finds a woman to marry.
There is much talk about treating women fairly an not taking them for granted, treating them with respect. They are the pillars of our society as women. It has even been said that one can judge the greatness of a society by how it treats women. I mean think about it an ugly man with money lands a young hot thing and just like that he is a winner.
but does the opposite work? Does a old women with money who snags a young guy does her stock automatically increase. yes but not that much. Actually and older women who goes after young guys is call a cougar implicitly the young man then is her prey. I’ve never heard the word trophy husband in my life, in all 31 years of living.
Most of the women I know are excessively cheap and aren’t’ going to pay for some young thing to stay around. Young dudes unless they are rich or super stars don’t have much money.
Dick, as has been said, is free it’s easy to get even in a recession. The economics doesn’t make much sense to pay for something continually that is free. Simple supply and demand. The demand for young dick outside of prison isn’t that much while the supply is quite substantial.
If society decides that a women is ugly and past her prime, having a young good looking guy has no redemptive value, maybe with Pearl and Dolores when she plays bingo after mass on Sunday, but the sad truth is that they hate her and they always have.
Many women suffer from osteoporosis, a gradual weakening of bone due to in most cases, a lack of calcium in their diet during younger years when there were too busy being bitches to other girls, men and themselves. Consistent pounding must in many ways aggravate that, this one of the reasons many of these cougar + young male prey relationships don’t work.
This trophy wife or getting a famous man thing to fawn over you seems to mostly happen only to those with fame or money, or who have done a sex tape, or who were on the Girls gone wild tape in college (I know it start out with some tequila shots and then a dare and before you know it, your downing cock like the dude on his knees in a Scientologist wet-dream). The girl next door to me whose abortions scars look like the Piri Reis map isn’t gonna shack up with a man who wants to be seen in public with her. She gets the average “I’ll shoot two down your throat and go” Joe.
As you all know I am all for women’s rights and equality. However if we say the sexes are equal then we have to resign the special redemptive qualities of women as mere fiction or we have to admit that men are equal gracefully and their uncouth ball grabbing pheromone secreting ways are just as life changing and amazing as women’s feminine mystique, elegance and gentle touch.
After getting yelled at enough by feminist for opening doors, rushing to help with bags and seeing Bridemaids, I know that all that fairer shit is fantasy. We are all disgusting pigs irregardless of age, gender, race, creed, in or out belly button, because we are human beings.
Trophy wives is a termed reserved for the rich and famous who enjoy a lifestyle and a cost of living I and most of the billions of people in the world cannot afford. Even amongst the rich and powerful its a joke term. it is more of a publicity stunt for appeasement or better self image. Words like ‘Mistress’, ‘lady’,’ side ho’, ‘call girl’ are more common use.
If you think about the poverty, ecological devastation, and historic exploitation of the world, the reality is that for most people in the world they are luckily to find someone with teeth to tolerate them for a good 5 -10 years. Trophy husbands are thing of myth as are trophy wives. Human being cannot redeem each other,we can redeem ourselves by our choices and subsequent actions. The best someone can do is remind us of our choice which isn’t that big a deal I mean the free clinic does that after each std test that goes positive. we like to delude ourselves with terms, which is cool. It’s only problematic when we use fictitious-ness to create sensation and further dig us deeper into the simulacrum of reality we call living
The first trophy wife was Aphrodite when she was given to Hephaistos in marriage. Turns out she was cheating on his with the God of War and since that myth was told everyone believed that shit was real
I think I’m done rambling
and by ‘that place’ I mean behind the dumpster in the teacher parking lot during Senior free Period in Highschool because she had 5 minutes or less to kill too. Anyways here it comes get ready for the headline:
I know what your thinking, when he paid for the dinner she should have known what was coming next. While I have to agree with you on principle as someone who has paid for many dinners without having the gestured reciprocated literally or figuratively with my man-meat based steak dinner (The two veg are always on me) I must point out that this woman in Korea wasn’t on a date. Turns out she was eating a partially cooked squid.
I have done some detective work and pieced together the events of the night.The Squid got hot and bothered in that warm bath (many men can relate to this feeling). I’m sure after all that time surround by great herbal aromas, warm water, and some oily viscous lubricant in a pinch, the squid felt he was in heaven and like many dudes discover early on in puberty he died a little inside, her mouth that is. Ah la Petite Mort ! Unfortunately after being hot and bothered so long his stamina was shot.
The unidentified woman reportedly experienced a “pricking and foreign-body sensation” while she chewed and spat the squid out. She had to go to the hospital when she felt severe pain and several “small, squirming” creepy crawlies in her mouth. Doctors found that the squid had left “twelve small, white spindle-shaped, bug-like organisms” in the mucous membranes of her tongue and cheek. Indeed, the woman’s mouth had been essentially inseminated.
Well I am glad the unidentified women was able to draw on knowledge gleamed from past dates and spit it out. I think this may be the one and only case where everyone is happy she didn’t swallow. However I think for this reason she has chosen to keep her name out of the news, if word got around she was a habitual spitter… well we all know what would happen. Turns out thought that it’s not the first time a squid has tried to fertilize a human mouth. There have been several incidents in Japan where people have complained of oral stings by their food. It seems that the tsunami when it washed that village out into sea it took with it someone’s maxim and porno magazine stash and the squid were all over it.
As much as we all like it raw, and we do, when consuming raw squid, diners should remove their internal organs, or boil the tasty treat long enough to kill its sperm bags. Personally this is why I wear really tight underwear and sit on my apartment radiator. That way if I am ever in the position to inseminate a Korean Woman’s mouth, while she may feel a prick and maybe some slight pain, she doesnt have to worry about becoming pregnant or buy those home pregnancy test.
“Boring damned people. All over the earth. Propagating more boring damned people. What a horrorshow. The earth is swarmed with them.” – Bukowski
I’ve been called many things crazy, out of control, etc but boring was never one of them. The Sandy tongue posted what I consider the funniest thing I read so far all year other than the classic debauchery tale Night in a Moorish Harem in his “The First Honest Dating Profile (NSFW)”. My lady at the time flew in from Los Angeles to see me, as I had flown to LA to see her. We had one of this Hollywood romances we were pen pals first, then friends then flying to see each other. When she landed I said to myself I don’t wanna have the normal boring date thing so lemme go a little crazy and be myself and genuine with things.
We meet up and there is the greeting and right after, I tell her, “I actually like you so I didn’t make any muthafucking plans we gonna it and do it big. She looks at me then laughs. I told her: ” I was thinking about you on the way over here and I drew these perverted pictures for you in the style of Toulouse-Lautrec, I’ve never been to a whore house but I know about love and itches.” I had found a memo pad in my house so I spent my time riding from Bklyn to the city on the train her drawing pictures. I had discovered I could draw when I had an internship at the Metropolitan museum of Art in High school. So I drew a lot of cocks unfortunately with famous historical quotes or commercial slogans like: Speaks softly and Carry a big stick, or makes mouth happy or odd words like Glockenschpiel, Dick Luger (An American Senator) and Thick Loaf completely random bullshit. I also drew a lot of boobies with oddly placed hairy moles. I also drew this one easy girl we all new in college named Big Tits Rosario thinking of a grocery list with all sorts of meat. Suffice it to say after she laughed for a good 10 minutes and inquired what was wrong with me, we continued onward.
I told her first train station we see we get on it and we will see where it takes us. We took the E train to the last stop we laughed and joked on the way, talked about friend and family, I flexed my chest muscles for her like that SNL skit and talked in a German accent (I’m great at mimicking accents plus I studied German for a bit long ago) about how I had to grease myself in vegetable oil to be disciplined by my schoolmaster. More laughs and people looking at me, she gets embarassed and red in the face while laughing uncontrollably.
We get out of the E train and I get all serious. I tell her that I know she is apprehensive and a nice classy lady. I inform her that while I will be flirting and trying to get in her pants I want her to know from the get go what she is getting into. Long story short I flashed her and some tourist on the way to see ground Zero which is right off of the last stop of the E-train.
So far I did everything one can do to destroy a date, to damn it to that ring of hell where the ancient greeks stay and they do everything ass-backwards literally. You know despite their philosophy and egregious buggery the ancient Greeks never created a donut to sit on, I guess their were really spartan and laconic about dealing with pain ( Did u see what I did there with the words laconic and spartan look up the etymology if u didnt see it)
I took her to a famous pizza place, imitated all the different NY accents on the way, then we went to the museum to check out the European painting. She was/is an artist so it was a nice touch I told her some obscure facts about some of the painters we ended up talking about the homosexual relationship between Salvador Dali and Garcia Lorca the poet early in their youth. I wanted to show her the city as a NY’er sees it. So we walked a lot showed her how and where to jump the turnstyle to get into the train station. Where to get the best I turned on the charm and romance and we had a nice romantic walk by the River bought her some flowers. She really had a good time and probably because she was a bit kind, and had years of partying like a rock star under her belt I am accepted me as being a little off.
We walked so much and had so much fun we just kind of passed on the couch/bed, all the itinerant porking happened another day but even my mother was suprised she stuck around and came up with a theory why.
My mom said that she (my lady at the time) had worked in special education and was used to dealing with and I quote ” Weirdo, retards, and all sorts of messed up people and her years of experience doing that prepared her for me”
Things are different now, that was 9 years ago. I got a lot of my crazies out and probably would tone things down a lot a bit, low level shit like dressing up as a homeless person, dying my hair weird colors , frying plaintains in the nude as per a dare and to prove a point that if one is careful has good technique the oil wont spatter about everywhere, prank phone calls, doing my baptist pastor preaching outside a closed church
The Bowerbird is one of my favorite avian species. Why you ask well because there is an elaborate mating ritual that for me has always shed light on human behaviour. Some people are would not like to believe it but we have a lot in common with animals, many of the cycles of nature of the earth have mirrored parallels in our own life. I believe whether you believe that we have a soul or not it is perhaps very important to look at Nature not just as a source of raw material to sustain some polluted, cancerous culture, but as a mirror showing ourselves, ourselves.
I ran into so old classmates, I’ve been trying to dodge for years. They reek of mediocrity. What do I mean by that ? They are all married, they have a child. They spend their free time reading Ayn Rand, they talk about big business, and politics, how Obama sucks and what he should be doing to make this country better. They take these useless discussion to facebook where other like minded idiots posture and encourage each other to pontificate. It’s a circle jerk of futility, well maybe not because unlike a circle jerk, there is nothing to show for the the work and emotional stimulus.
When the talk isn’t about routes to work, wife problems, the economy and Obama it ventures to Local Sports teams or some hot chick on some TV show I don’t know about because I have not really watched TV in about 7 years. Yes I haven’t seen madmen, Game of Thrones, I never watched LOST, The Sopranos, Oz, and my life is better for it. I’m not totally clueless, when Netflix was cool I would watch some stuff etc. I made a self-deprecating joke with this classmates that now after all our education we are no better than animals that education is a farce to help us ascertain the tools necessary to attract a mate and live a certain predetermined life and die a ‘straw death’. The got the usual responce: “Oh MrMary’s Real Name, you always were crazy lol that is rich ” I smile and laugh and then find a way to break out of the convo and run for the hills. Check this out:
The most notable characteristic of bowerbirds is their extraordinarily complex courtship and mating behaviour, where males build a bower to attract mates. In and around the bower, the male places a variety of brightly colored objects he has collected. These objects — usually different among each species — may include hundreds of shells, leaves, flowers, feathers, stones, berries, and even discarded plastic items, coins, nails, rifle shells, or pieces of glass. The males spend hours arranging this collection. Bowers within a species share a general form but do show significant variation, and the collection of objects reflects the biases of males of each species and its ability to procure items from the habitat, often stealing them from neighboring bowers. Several studies of different species have shown that colors of decorations males use on their bowers match the preferences of females. Scientist have shown that mate-searching females commonly visit multiple bowers, often returning to the male several times, watching his elaborate courtship displays and inspecting the quality of the bower and tasting the paint the male has placed on the bower walls. Many females end up selecting the same male, and many under-performing males are left without copulations. Females mated with top-mating males tend to return to the male the next year and search less.
Sometimes it’s humbling to look at nature. I have seen that the people who work with the earth and with nature carry natural silence and humility to themselves. I don’t have to draw the parallels between the bowerbird courting rituals and the complex rituals humans go through to find and keep mates. I have a hundred jokes and stupid sarcastics remarks ready to unleash but it’s not necessary.
Sometimes I while reading the papers or News Week [btw nothing is real until it is reported in NewsWeek. Police brutality, corruption in politics, etc only exists because they have been reported in NewsWeek] I really feel that the university and society have become really adept at selling and indoctrinated hopelessly vapid dreams to the youth.
On march 14th – National Pi Day, and National Steak and BJ day (I’m not kidding its National steak and BJ Day). I decided it was only apropos to recite Ophelia’s song form Hamlet for the sake of situational irony. My father tells me that I would not have been so smart if it wasn’t for all the sacrifices my parents made and sent me to best schools. Of course he added that I should try to do something with my life before I am 35 implying I haven’t lived up to my potential.
He them proceeded to show me all ‘His’ awards I had gotten for academic excellence since kindergarten, acceptance letters, etc. I told him the second I get a chance I would use these awards for toilet paper. It so crazy, one takes a tests as a child and people deem you are smarted or gifted and then this strange ideology is crammed down your throat for years, everyone wants a chance to shape you to mold you into a leader for tomorrow, to mold you into some big time ‘Suit’ on Wall street. It’s impossible not to get caught up until you look into the mirror and are disgusted by what you see, but the catch is in many ways you have to go on even though you dont want to because “Cash rules everything around me”
Personally I roll differently. I want to live the fullest human experience. I want to live genuinely and sincerely. I find having a 9-5 job, mortgage payments kids to take of in an of itself to be meaningless to be no better than being an animal. To say it another way, I have always felt that there is more to life that what we are told we must achieve. I have tried to find out if there is more to human life than being a drone or a vast cog in a bureaucratic wheel, of course sometimes asking this kind of question put you at odds with consumer society because the desire to know to experience something authentic is not something which can be bought/purchased just like life.
Also I am well aware this is desire to find more to life is something that is unique to my persona and I am more than cool with that. It’s not for everyone and I never expected it to be, just my unique bent/angle on things. Maybe this is why I do crazy things like travel to India when I was 15, or dress up as a homeless person to walk around the block, or laughingly go drink for drink with my alcoholic sorta of ex-father in law in Vegas (that is a funny story I have to tell you guys about one day). I just cant hang with my classmates, they find me a bit odd and are dismissive of anything I say that doesn’t fall exactly into their ideology.
I sat down with two friend and I told them I was celebrating women on my blog this month. I then proceeded to ask for some ideas: the following hilarity ensued.
Why don’t you talk about what you like in a woman
MrMary: Too easy – I love women with english bull dogs as pets Why MrMary: Because they are used to hearing heavy breathing and getting slobbed on their feet and on crotch level. When we do it there will be that familiar tingle of nostalgia. It will be memorable
You’re a fool
Show your soft side, bitches like niccaz with a soft side
MrMary: Yeah I like that, Im’ like a baguette
Wtf Negro ?
MrMary: Yeah once you get past the hard exterior, I got a non lubricated soft side and if you butter me up right (with compliments) I’ll feed ya
All those books you read, its a shame. Give me a non dirty joke answer
MrMary: Sure!!Only if you say that again and arch your back like you really want it
MrMary: Im so sorry I am so juvenile. I developed my vocabulary without addressing my mommy issues
What mommy Issues do you have?
MrMary: I say the right things wrongly when there are no mamis on my lap. [ the hook on that song is " I've got all of my mamis. Tell me, what you, want from me."]
I am going to be serious and give you the best advice I’ve learned the hard way about relationships. To compensate for all the horribly raunchy stuff I said
I’m naturally very giving. It seems God has blessed me with women who can climax through bludgeoning. It’s easy to give under such circumstances, less taxing on my knees. Plus if I am on my knees too long I get a flashback to this music video, which musically was horribly but was for some reason popular the past.
A relationship is like a Martin acoustic guitar. Not only do you need to know how to play the fine tuned instrument, i.e compromise and all that relationship stuff, it is important to respect the space in the guitar. Without empty space no sound will be made. Both people need to have a space to be their own person hang out with friends, watch TV etc. Coming together doesn’t mean one stops being a social entity.
A man married 60 years once told me the key to a successful marriage is to have separate bathrooms and close the door when using it. Think about it. No matter how beautiful a lady is having the door open when you’re punishing the bowl takes away from your allure and charm. Same for guys. Also after 27 -28 you can’t do the garlicky meat and beer diet any more, it’s not fair to nature and sewage treatment facilities.
Guys at some point you have to make that transition from being boys to men. My grandfather told me to be a man is to be responsible and accountable for others under your care, for your own nonsense, and to sacrifice. No one should have to suffer for your indecisiveness, anger, frustration, lack of maturity etc. While I was ‘with my lady I never bought anything for myself before my lady. I wore my shoes till they were eroded and felt the nails in my feet. I wore my clothes till they looked like Swiss-cheese. But whatever make-up (sparkly Mac, eye-shadow, new jacket, new shoes, (within reason of course) my wife needed she got first. Same for whatever I could help my sister with concerning her school school, books, food. Summing up: Other people/animals should never suffer because deep down inside your a douche.
You can never say thank you enough to each other. A gift given in sincerity is worth it’s weight in gold. Every time I could afford to I brought my lady a flower. It doesn’t have to be the biggest bouquet either. When I had no cash for flowers I would tell her to open a cookbook and pick whatever she liked and I made it for her, a nice sexy chocolatey dessert after dinner , after which I gave her what I made for her The DaterofBoys had a nice post yesterday about this, check it out. Notice how the blog is named how to date boys, not how to date real men – cuz real men shell out for flowers, vacations and knee pads. (sorry)
If you looked hot and fit when you met your lady/man it is imperative I feel to maintain that hotness or fitness within reason. Of course couples always gain some weight after getting together. But I personally feel that for me at least, I should not get all slobby (yeah the state of being a slob) esp when I started off looking like Heracules fighting the Nemean Lion in the mirror. Luckily for me she didnt notice my wonderous personality first in the hotel mirror. [Sorry Hotel mirror is my phrase of the day]
In my prior post I promised to do something to celebrate women in the month of March. So far I let my class out early, I ate some pie without hands/forks/decency. Did you know eating sour cherry pie like that works both the Genioglossus and Styloglossus muscle. This is actually true, I did have sour cherry pie at a diner and I did work out some muscles eating it . To address the questions some of you deviants are thinking, my hands weren’t tied behind my back though as it would have disturbed the table next to us of older black women getting ready to go to Washington DC to protest/rally for women’s rights, women’s health insurance. (Being the only man of color tied up isn’t a good look, historically)
I thought I would look back to all the mistakes I have made or others who confide in me have made in their/our relationships and share my words of wisdom with men in general. Ladies it’s what we in the business call a pre-emptive strike , which coincidentally is also another dating technique where the guy prepares himself for both a statistically unlikely invitation by his date into the iniquitous den of sexual congress, by (no nice way to say it) ‘helping to put Mr. Kleenex’s kids through college’. So without further ado
I had the great fortune of proposing to a lady 3 times. She said yes every time but we never got married for you see I have a contempt/rancor for public celebrations, ceremonies, courts, decency and documentation. I have yet to meet someone so tall so large, so well fed off of the tender victuals only reserved for the Gods that they can give me a license to marry someone dumb enough to say yes to my proposal .
Fellas some ladies like the bending down on on knee thing, my lady at the time didn’t care for that, she had bought me the fancy pants I was wearing and hated how I got shit so dirty, so quickly (btw I reminded her that she liked that on our first date and after an eye roll and a punch to the arm, I was reminded it was inappropriate to say that at a family dinner). If she does like it [traditional on the knees proposal] I would suggest having her close her eye while you put on a priest collar. As she opens her eyes I would make the sign of the cross and say: Dominus Vobiscum. If she is Roman Catholic she may run away and emergency-call her therapist. Don’t panic the Church gives out good retirement packages/handout/payouts for such occurrences.
The idea to get into your head now is that you no longer belong to yourself, in a good way. Two people magically become one entity, sort of how Centaurs are born in a way but not really. You no longer think in terms of I but in ‘we’, and we here means ‘Her’.
In my old age I found the process of marriage is like adopting a pet from the local ASPCA or shelter, because right before you go home to the one who has chosen you and gotten you hooked on the steady diet of stale pellets of laughing at your bullshit, and feigning patience with your idiosyncracies, and occasionally getting you new toys, you have to get your balls chopped off. Don’t fight it, sometimes they miss and your ass gets chewed out.
Young MrMary: Hey You look nice tonight (Making a positive sammich)
Ladyof YoungMrmary’s Affection: Thanks…you’re not so bad yourself
Young MrMary: Yeah the coke bloat has passed I don’t look so puffy…
(I shouldn’t have said that, guys abort mission if you reference drug use in your proposal)
Ladyof YoungMrmary’s Affection: uhm…. You have had to much to drink dear
Young MrMary: Eh I was just flushing out the piping ya know, viens..arteries…urethra
Ladyof YoungMrmary’s Affection: You’re an idiot
Young MrMary: You ‘member when we played baseball as kids, you looked and looked but never found a mitt that fit right…..You’re like that mitt for me
(Comparing the object of your affection to harden leather bound mitt that you stuff your hand and balls into is neither classy nor romantic)
Ladyof YoungMrmary’s Affection:…. uhm yeah?
Young MrMary: yeah it’s like you fit me like a glove not just sexually (Horrible air thrusting gesture) but in so many ways
Ladyof YoungMrmary’s Affection: <More Laughter> You’re a fucking idiot
Young MrMary: Love it when you talk dirty, ….Here is a ring …..It’s made of coconut, got it in Oliveras Street when we were in LA, I think that makes it official …. You’re supposed to nod and we go off to pork
(Uhm Not the best thing to say, it takes away from the Romantic feel)
Ladyof YoungMrmary’s Affection: Excessively Laughter…OK Sure why not…..Can you even walk
Young MrMary: No but I can just fall strategically in the right place
Ladyof YoungMrmary’s Affection: You’re a fucking jerk-off
Young MrMary: Yeah we can start off with that.
This your wife’s special day. As my grandfather who raised 10 children said: A man’s special day is when they put him in the ground because he can finally rest. You have to make this memorable for her the right way. This means clean underwear, no drinking, no dirty joke references. You have to look serious and poised as if you know what you’re getting into.
This really happened, and I am telling you the most tame parts. Learn from my mistakes. I only remembered bits and pieces because well afterwards I went on a Long Island Iced Tea binge, and made such an asshole of myself I got to hear this story told over and over and over again.
Hi Five ladies I just saved you all a lot of headache
Shout to this blog. I had writers cerebral palsy and reading her last posts set me straight and inspired this post
I saw a couple arguing at the train station. Midway through the ride they stopped arguing, the young lady extended her hand and he held it. A few stop later they left holding hands. This was touching to see, compare the normal fist fighting, pulled knives, naked or half naked homeless people and the plethora of suspect nonsense you see here.
This incident made me remember the best fight I ever got into relationship-wise. As I am sure you understand there are dangerous ramifications to being so awesome. Whipping out all the awesomeness out at once brings that uncomfortable first or second date scenario to mind. My solution is to conceal some of that awesome behind the guise of seemingly shyness, and send the nude pics before the first date – it worked once. Unfortunately I do such a good job some people forget and then I have to show them what’s up
I hate, absolutely hate arguing. I am very diplomatic and would rather work out a favorable solution for all parties involved benefits of the older brother, first born thing. So Ions ago when I was younger on the prowl I was dating this lady, after a few months one day the following conversation came up:
MrMary We have to talk
We dont argue, I am concerned because couples are supposed to argue
They are ?
Yeah, it’s like your too easy going?
Ok then How about we talk about your continually bad hair and makeup choices
You look like one of the back up dancers in a Cyndi Lauper video
I started singing off key: “We have no past we wont reach back, Keep with me forward all through the night”
She was pretty angry but wanted to laugh a little bit which made things worse for me and my laughter only made things worse. I was only joking after all but she took the joke hard. Of course a brief argument ensued but there was no hand offered afterwards
On animals, peace and war, science, social justice, women's issues, arts, and much more
Explorations in gender relations, religious assumptions, societal expectations and daily life from a tomboy's viewpoint.
On animals, peace and war, science, social justice, women's issues, arts, and much more
Explorations in gender relations, religious assumptions, societal expectations and daily life from a tomboy's viewpoint.