Today New’s Years Eve has been considered the one of the days of the year that it is easiest to get laid and by getting laid I mean sloppy trying to come to turns with bad coordination a lack of lubrication and foppishly fumbling to find the correct orifice. Yes it said that this typically is what passes for sex on New Years eve.

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But out of the goodness of my heart I have decided look past my own physical discomfort and slight body pain to pen this for you. No need to thank me just follow my guide and  pass it on to another person. Lets get started!

MrMary’s Guide to Intimacy New Years Eve Night

Sex can be great and a wonderful experience, but if you are lucky enough to not be having sex with yourself tonight and another being will be there with you, and not just passively watch you masturbate (that’s marriage), but participate here are something to keep in mind.

Warning For Gentleman and Ladies

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Also ladies whatever you do  please do not set high standards of performance or likeability for tonight. write a note to yourself and put it on your bathroom mirror so the next morning you wont freak out when you wake up and are sore , have stretch marks around your mouth and or have a  sprained wrist. Your low standards and subconscious curiosity may just have lead you into the over enthusiastic embrace of a gang-bang.

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Gentleman,

If you have both been drinking DO NOT have sex or even talk about it. Go home and rub a few out to whatever re-run there happens to be on TV. If you are in America don’t worry, every American sitcom has a character male or female who is attractive sexually frustrated and doesn’t have the brain cells necessary to do more than maintain some personal hygiene habits.  If it must happen go out tonight with people who can corroborate your story everyone has a depressed friend  who is not going to get any even if he paid for it. Use him! Include him in your activities have him text you every hour once you pick the lady up. This will help in court

With That Out of the Way

I generally know no one will will listen to my suggestions so here it is lets get into it. Some music to set the mood that will contrast with what I am saying and provide this post with absurdity and the situational Irony you’ve so desperately needed since I have been away.

It’s like a jungle atmosphere And we’re two monkeys baby It’s like we’re on a vine The way we’re swinging it baby See, you’re a tiger girl The way you’re scratching me I’m a lion In this jungle I’m a king Girl, I got you so wet It’s like a rain forest Like Jurassic Park Except I’m your sex-a-saurus baby

# 1

wrong-holeThis is the year the Christmas and New years Time when a lot of people are in the depths of despair. You are too but you don’t realize it because you’ve been conditioned to love the status quo. This is not the time to try anal, it will be shitty and let me tell you why. Sphincter control and alcohol consumption are not best friends. In fact they hate each other and cant be in the same room together. I heard perhaps the most disgusting new years eve sex story in my life a few days ago. You will thank me. I know your think just going for anal will be a protection in a way from those wrong hole accidents, but no for the sake of those awkward moments the next day and strange stickiness you will indubitably investigate, dont do it.

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Baby take your mind into a zone
Imagine that we all alone
Two ways are off and our friends are gone
Now it’s just you and me getting it on
Take my hand and come with me
Let’s indulge in fantasies
Cast your cares and worries
While we fall into this ecstasy

I’m gonna rub your body, so baby just relax
You’ve been pouring out your loving, so now its time to pour it back

#2

BadSex_82910_mLadies go easy on the oral, you’re already feeling nauseous and queasy from having to balance on those clear high heels you love so much while drinking, take this as a time to perfect your form and not try to win gold medals.

league95619_548_logoGuys – if you drink like I think and know you are, you will only be able to intermittently have an erection. Your coordination will be off, again take it easy work on your stroke, save the ball deep action or the death-stroke  for the next morning when you decide if the other person is is physically attractive enough for actual sexy-time. Bottom line there will be no grand finale or finish for either of you just enjoy the ride as bumpy and nauseating as it is.

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Girl, the time has come
To show and prove
I’ve seen enough I wanna feel the truth
Put your voodo on me babe
Kiss my lips
And curse me babe
Show me how you do your magic babe
Lead me to your secret jungle babe

3 #

morning-after-sex-400x400Carry hygiene necessities  on your person before you leave the house, the next morning you can freshen up and the goodbye kiss won’t taste like sperm, ball-sack, and other assorted bodily fluids, cigarettes, beer, and cheap vodka.

Try to tidy up a bit right afterwards. Shower or just clean yourself off in the sink. It will help in the morning especially if you have to rush off somewhere. You don’t wont to be the guy/girl on public mass transit or in a taxi cab that sticks up the joint because you smell like you had sex and it dried up all on you and marinated (dry marination)

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Finally

Don’t Worry about the other person judging you, your both nasty and inhibited.  Enjoy your  decent into the seeming moral somnolence you have denied yourself for years.  Also anything you are going to engage in sexual activity please use protection. I don’t mean UV sunglasses or holy water which I should have used on some women in the past.

How does it Feel ?

How does it feel
How does it feel
Said I wanna know how does it feel
How does it feel
How does it feel

I wanna stop
Silly little games U and me play
And I am feeling right on ……………..