I read an article of the Huffington Post entitled:

The 10 cliches Christians should Avoid Saying

I figured that it would be important to build on this momentum and share my list of

10 cliche Things Americans Should Avoid Saying

(Read part 1 here)

DISCLAIMER: Some of these aren’t official cliche’s but as you will see I expose them as such.

The New Kid on the Block

Generally looking at American history have you seen what happens to the new kid on the block. Actually every neighborhood has an old person who says: Remember  when the __________ moved in, this whole neighborhood went to hell.  ( Insert racial or National proper noun or derogatory slang for people of a different ethnic and/or economic bracket than you.)  Come to think of it the irony of the  popularity of the  NKOTB (The New Kids on the Block) – the all American Caucasian boy band from Boston  kind of confirms our hatred of newcomers and immigrants.

Beating Around the Bush

Every dude who has been in marriage therapy, or had to find a creative way to get a restraining order removed or to get away with late alimony payment knows the importance of foreplay to women.  To quote a popular Reggae song Aptly named “Action”

Whameseh! – Bedroom bully / What Im saying – Bedroom Bully
She nuh waan dat you know / She dont want that you know
She waan a man fi caress /She wants a man to caress
Her up like so / Her up like so
Man a make love to woman/  Men that make love to a women
Like a war dem a go / like they going off to war,
‘Oman a bawl inna agony an holler out (Cho!)/ She is gonna yell in agony

You cant just march in straight and do your thing shower in the sink and go off to White Castle. You have to not be so direct and obvious take your time, work up to it slowly. … and yet outside of this context beating around the bush is  frowned upon, what is the hurry ?   We aren’t rushing through the day to go home and take our time to beat around the bush…. and Yet again to beat off carries the connotation of being fast, solitary and almost potentially enjoyable. All this confusion is because ultimately we don’t know what we want, and we are too fat and overworked to figure it out  which brings me too

Eaten Out Of House And Home

Uhm of course being eaten out is supposed to be a  good thing, it is how men ensure they wont be the recipients of mediocre sexual acts or have to take out the garbage for 2 days. One would think to be eaten out to the point of feeling destitute and impoverished would be good, I mean it works for alleys cats  and women in hotel rooms that make those alley cat sounds. So much confusion.

Of course there is another reason why  Americans should not use this cliche, we are so fucking fat. Fuck homes ! we eat on the community and city state level. Have you see all the  amoeba looking ‘people’ on motorized chairs in Florida or Vegas. You know your fat when u get around on a motorize, stationary chair. I mean think of it, if you were on a motorized chariot or horse, perhaps bench press I’m sure you wouldn’t feel as fat.

Fish Out Of Water

This just just dumb, if fish never got out of the water how could we eat them. If not for discounted eco-killing sushi, where would we take our bullshit dates.  What else tells a women that you’re not bothered by the smell, you can spend a lot of time eating with your face down in the plate and you don’t mind taking your time to beat around the bush and not run for the more expensive lobster stuff first. Thank god fish are out of the water, and thank God for people moving out of there comfort zone, I would have never scored in college if all this foreign students didn’t wanna try the Black thing and see what the myth was all about

BONUS

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Absence of what feeling? motility of extremities ? contraceptives? fonder of what?  Everyone’s heart here is so clogged with plaque and according to the Guy at the Rite Aid pharmacy we are low on Listerine

Seriously though, if absence made the heart grow fonder would American be getting divorced so much? Well for me the thought of my crazy ex- gf her absent from my life make me fonder of all the good life had to offer.  If absence made the heart fonder, there wouldnt be so many fatherless kids joining gangs. We have to stop telling people absence makes things better, there will be more murders. I can see it now

Gangsta Kills rival  because his absence from the world made is heart fonder – still not too thrilled about prison rape but its ok

(To) act high and mighty

I went to catholic and am horrible scarred psychologically luckily I was strong for my size and no shrouded religious figure used my anus like a bread box for a thick loaf. Why do I mention this well because only the USA and God – a character in the bible to be played by John Malkovitch in an upcoming independent film – rained food as well as destruction from the skies. Americans calling people high and mighty is kind of a joke.

I mean the other day a video has been released of an American pilot singing an impromptu rendition of Don McLean’s ‘American Pie’ at the exact moment a rocket strikes Afghans on the ground.

“While on patrol in the Wardack province our Apache Pilots aka “Mexican” encountered innocent farmers planting poppy seeds in the middle of the road. Working in concert with ground forces they eliminated the threat with ONE Kilo Hellfire,” the caption by Liveleak.com on the video reads. “At the 01:39 mark you can hear the pilot singing “Bye Bye Ms. American Pie” right before impact then BOOM….the rest is history.

I kind of liked the bombs and food thing  dropped from the air in similar practice. Made me think of Mystery meat lunches in highschool.


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