Disclaimer: The views expressed here by the character of Vito Whose name has been changed for his protection are not Necessarily those of MrMary, No offence is meant to any woman in actuality there were females in our crew. Parental and user Discretion is advised
College was a unique time for me I was partly free of the tyranny of the years before but not completely emancipated. I was horrible depressed and angry and unfortunately had a chip on my shoulder. I was always still the nice cool suave MrMary but I needed some help that I would have to wait a few years later to get to deal with things.
One of my best homies in college was this Italian dude named Vito. Aside from being really smart he had a penchant for vulgar jokes and he himself had had a wild and crazy life (he was older than me) he was a real wise guy, a funny joke guy. If you haven’t noticed by now I love people with a sense of humour and who have had some real life experience, people who can read between the lines, hard-working good people. I dunno if it was his being Italian but he had a way with words and with women that always made me laugh and still makes me laugh till this day. I wanted to share some of the pearls of Wisdom I got from Vito. Quite often some of the things he said were from movies but his timing was always incredible. He made the quotes his own. We reconnected on Facebook recently and I live close to where he works so there will be some gallivanting and rabble-rousing any day now.
Vito On Women
Scenario 1: Two Shots
As he was older than many of us that hung out together we turned to him for advise. There was an unusually good looking chick at our university. See our university was at the time an engineering university with 80% male students. A lot of the women were from foreign countries and as our mutual friend would say Third World Ugly. She was a 12 by university standards but prolly a 6 everywhere else in life. She got a lot of attention from everyone, and we were joking that intention she got. I made a prediction that it would all get to her head and she would within 2 years get really really heavy and everyone would ignore her except this one weirdo Taiwanese kid named Perry who watched porno in class. So Vito said in his Epic Wisdom:
Listen Guys – She’s not all that, and even is she wuz fuck her. Just shoot two down her throat and call it a fucking day, no more no less no need for all this attention, aside from ya mom and/or sister all women are sluts and they know they want that shit.
Harsh words to be said in the university cafeteria, especially as the president and secretary and other administrators where right there when Vito uttered his epic words of wisdom. There was a calm moment of an uncomfortable silence. Even the cafeteria staff were bewildered by his prosaic utterances. Then there was laughter and one of the cooks Fabio said “Aint that the truth papa!!”
Scenario 2: Trust the Gordon’s Fisherman
Somehow as it usually does for guys the conversation drifted towards all things sexual and Vito summed up a lot of stories and experiences with this simple words
The Fisherman’s Rule: If it Smells like fish its a tasty dish, if it smell like cologne leave it alone
Not much more can be said after that.
Scenario 3: Marina the Ukranian
We were a rowdy bunch and of course there were many people who didn’t like us, one of these person was a fellow female student named Marina, I believe she was Ukrainian. Her and a certain statistic teacher were flirting a lot ( a lot a lot) in class and he had made some comment about his massive thighs to her in class and from then on she became known as That “Fucking Slut” – You have to say the whole name like “A Tribe Called Quest”. One day we were walking to the computer lab she bumps into Vito knocks his shit down and does not even say sorry and Vito replies:
That fucking slut, if I had a dog with a face like that I’d shave its ass and make it walks backwards
Everything stopped, the people in the hallway, the people at near the entrance of the computer lab, even Marina. We were all aghast shocked, and wanted to break out into laughter. Ten Seconds later of course there was raucous laughter. Marina and I did become good friends, and she never spoke of her hatred of Vito but it was there.
More Vito Stories to Come