My motto in life has always been to forget whatever nice things or acts of kindness I have done or given to and for others but to always keep in mind what nice things other have done to me. This has worked to not let my ego swell and protect me from bitterness and cynicism. The Author of the Blog Kiss the Muse, has given me one of her gifts:
I must say before I get into my usual hysterics. I must say of course how much I respect The Muse’s blog, and the friendly ambiance from which she responds to my nonsense. If you have not checked her blog out you should. She is a writer, a mother, an ex-pat NY’er, and most importantly she is sincere and straight up. Aside from me, sincerity and straightforwardness always looks good on a lady.
Now That I’ve Been Kissed
As usual after I have been kissed I’m quite embarrassingly teeming with inspiration according to the tailoring of my pants. This case is no different except that currently Im not looking for a spare 5 minutes to impregnate my hand – only of course after showering Ms Right with gifts of fancy creams and lotions.
The Muse writes some really gripping personal stuff (like this), and I admire her greatly for doing that. So In an Homage to the Muse I will share some stuff. But before I do that I want to revel in the fact that I have been kissed and indulge in a little tom-foolery. (This is an actual word not a dreamy handsome guy who bags your groceries.) Sing along!
There is so much a man can tell you,
So much he can say.
MrMary’s Personal Stuff
I can’t remember when exactly it happened, but looking back I can say that the days following were never the same. I discovered one day that making others laugh dulled the immense pain and saddness I was feeling. I wish I could explain it, but it is a bit mysterious to me actually. I still haven’t quite figured out how making other people laugh oftentimes dulls the fact that oftentimes I’m unable to laugh, to feel happy, to calm things down enough to sleep. I can make everything and anything into a joke not because I want to, but because I had to sometimes out of necessity just to make it to the next day. Making people laugh gives me a high, it’s the best drug around and when I’m on fire it’s a wrap, as we say.
When depression is in full swing, very few things are as paralyzing crippling or debilitating. I think I have a natural hereditary predisposition toward depression and alcoholism which run rampant on both sides of my family. The episodes of my sickle cell disease don’t help, the working many jobs on little sleep didnt help. I have to stay on top of it like when I’m going for mines after the date and the cunnilingus requirement has been satisfied.
My First Memory of Depression
I remember I was in the 3-4 grade I was looking out of the bedroom window of our apartment. I saw only the backs of the houses next to us and there was the train tracks that rain behind the house for the D and Q trains shuttle people either to Prospect Park Station or Parkside Ave. I felt a great heaviness, I was incredible sad because even though I couldn’t that need that I had to go out to frolic to be silly wasn’t there anymore. It was a crushing loss. Then of course a flip switched and the manic episode start. Holy Shit, there is no drug that equals the manic phase of depression. I think the craziest shit I did I did on the upswing i.e borderline suicidal stuff running into upcoming traffic walking on elevated train track on 86th Street Brooklyn near Brooklyn. I started singing and dancing, doing acrobatics etc. My mother use to pull me aside and shake me and asked me what drugs was I on actually.
BTW – Many famous comedians/entertainers suffer from depression, bipolar disorder: Jim Carrey, Ben Stiller, Rodney Dangerfield, Owen Wilson, John Belushi, Chris Farley, Jonathon Winters, Robin Williams, Richard Pryor, Roseanne Bar, Greg Giraldo, Billy Joel, Hugh Laurie, Sheryl Crow, Harrison Ford, Rob Delaney, Woody Allen, Drew Carey. The same goes for many of worlds great artist in literature in music etc check out this page on Wikipedia and this one
The Saga Continues
I think because of a certain weirdness of my mind I can watch depression settling on me, like I can be a passive observer. I have been able to do that with some episodes of pain as well. I noticed it gets harder to shower, to get dressed to leave the house, harder to go to work, harder to feign that I give a shit when I am at work. Taking a crowded subway becomes an all out assault on my senses. I don’t wanna fuck [ you know it's serious that's my thing]. I notice I start taking days off because I cant and don’t want to get out of bed, beard grows, hair grows and I end up looking like Samuel Jackson in The Caveman’s Valentine. I cant sleep my mind starts to obsess over little things and if I am not carefuly the prison door closes and it take Herculean efforts to do anything. I cannot eat or talk much to my loved ones. It took hearing that my then wife was pregnant and the seeing the first ultrasound, that got me into therapy.
You should see the manic phases or maybe not . I can feel those coming and see those coming on too, its like being plugged into 100,000 volts. I am sort of back to myself only much more so. I get cleaned up, decked out, I’m the life of the party, my charm, sociability is at insane levels, in the college I would drink a lot, or if I happened to be taken at the time, I became an impromptu plumber/pipe cleaner – someone is loosing a day of work just for me to do my work.
What I have found though that helps is to first accept it, accept it is a part of me and accept that it wont go away like my sickle cell pain. Some days it will be there some days it wont. Once I see it start to stop me from living a regular normal life I move to keep it in check. I for myself prefer therapy to taking medication. I feel what Jim Carrey is saying here:
I tried dealing with depression by taking Prozac. It was good for a little bit for my life. But it didn’t heal me. It didn’t get me to the bottom of my anger or my frustration, whatever it was. I realised that it is important that we need to feel our feelings. We need to let things out to get to the bottom of things. One of the most important things in our society today is that it is OK to let our feelings out.”
I’m very proactive don’t really drink much anymore, and so far life is good! There is a great treasure in all of the ruin.
To Return the Favor in Kind
Just as The Muse has bestowed upon me her kiss, I wanna pass on the love to someone else, luckily unlike the ancient Egyptians using crocodile dung the computer monitor is a better, more multi-used cheap contraceptive. With that said WHO WANTS SOME LOVING FROM MR MARY lol
On a Side Note
Major depression is the No.1 psychological disorder in the western world. It is growing in all age groups, in virtually every community, and the growth is seen most in the young, especially teens. At the rate of increase, it will be the 2nd most disabling condition in the world by 2020, behind heart disease.
If you follow the logic that we reap what we sow then we have to admit that our current society must be depressed one esp if depressed individuals are inclusive with other manufactured product like breakfast cereal marshmallows, pornographic films, McDonalds Chicken Nuggets, reality TV .
- James Joyce, Samuel Beckett, & an Offensive Convo with an Old Classmate (aspoonfulofsuga.wordpress.com)
- Any life is made up of a single moment (aspoonfulofsuga.wordpress.com)