My Version of “7 Quick Steps to Better Sex for Men” on the Life in the Boomer Lane Blog

I followed a new blog today Life in the Boomer Lane. It’s a pretty happening blog. One article inspired me to do a little bit of muck raking and hardcore investigative bullshit to write this post. The posting in question is “7 Quick Steps to Better Sex”. I have combined years of observations, and a few words from the streets from assortment of upstanding hobo’s bums and night workers to present to all of you my version of 7 quick steps to better Sex free of charge. Part one is for a man and stay tuned for Part 2. So without further ado:

5 Quick Steps to Better Sex for a Man

1. Don’t get married – In the confines of marriage sex becomes a harbinger of reality, and aside from reality’s socialist and communist bias [what is the real reason why birds of a feather flock together], you are not ready for it. You always said you wanted kids wait until the next day when you think your lady could be knocked up, watch all the joy leave sex and it becomes just routine like a prostate exam without the fun embellishments.

You and your wife are two different people who will quite often contemplate beating/hurting each other. You don’t want to accept that two people can never become one until sex becomes a tool to get you to do stuff you dont want too.

2. Pay for it – The beauty of capitalism is that the invisible hand of the market can turn a trick or two for you for the right price. As you are unmarried you can use competition to your advantage. Your looks and personality aren’t enough to make women fight over you but your money will do the trick.

Also not in all cases gentleman do you leave the money on the nightstand, payments can come in the guise of gifts, expensive restaurants, bail money.

3. Become a Republican – If you are a democrat your not getting laid, you are the over emotional and too in touch with your feminine side. When Herman Cain came out of the Republican Presidental Race Newt Gingrich became the solid front runner given his solid record of disrespecting the institution of marriage. Her had more affairs and failed marriages than Cain and looked like he could eat more pizza in a single sitting. Republicans have more fun because illicit sex falls under the category of lobbying

4. Dress your partner up as someone who you would like to spend time with and listen to what they have to say . If you cant think of anyone at least you can pretend you got a two for one sale.

5. Take a pain reliever with a sleeping aid. Before you commence with the act your eardrums will be assaulted with words, senseless never ending words. You want to ease that pain but guarantee it wont continue when you finish. You can focus on what’s important. Getting yours .

6. Do it yourself – This the essence of Napoleon Buonaparte philosophy as evidenced by all those who died for him. Little do many people know he was Italian and when in military school he changed his last name to Bonaparte. He said “If you want a thing done well, do it yourself.” Shame he didnt poison himself with arsenic on St. Helena.

Deep down inside you know that masculinity and servile regard for being a utilitarian are one and the same. No need for emotion, intimacy, or human contact other than your own calloused hand and ironically your approach to living. You walk with the charm, precision, and inner emptiness of a Hitler Youth.

7. Compromise – On a serious note, it is all about compromise. Life relationships, pepper spraying people in the face to buy stuff you don’t need etc. If you want better sex life you will just have to compromise on your standards and what you like. If you are struggling for better that means unknowingly you can be happy with settling for mediocre, if you give up on the idea of progress.

Sex doesn’t follow Darwinian principles. It starts off ok gets better, long enough for you to wall yourself into unrealistic commitments like taking out the garbage on Tuesdays and Thursday or allowing someone to take food off your plate at the restaurant before you have even tasted it, etc. Then it deteriorates at an accelerated rate. Settle for mediocrity and let go of hope. Once you are mentally and spiritual neutered you will see how awesome sex is, especially since you will only come into contact with it vicariously through other peoples stories.